Forget 401 K's. I Got My 419!

I won the lottery! Sort of . . .

That’s what I was led to believe when I opened my spam folder.  Seriously, if it’s in the spam folder that makes it totally credible. Right? I’m surely not the only person who is currently planning to travel the world-once a day- after collecting on my windfall. Am I?

If you don’t believe me, read on.

Good day,

I am Mr.Samunu Dawel, I currently hold the post as the Audit Account Manager of our bank in Ouagadougou Branch, Burkina-Faso. I got your contact from a reliable web directory. We can see actually that the world is a very small place to meet people but what matters most for me is to transact with a person with full trust. I have developed the trust on you after one week of fasting and praying. Due to the trust, I made up my mind to disclose this confidential business to you.

See?

I already made plans to meet with Kim Kardashian on Saturday for a Coach bag buying contest. First one to spend a million bucks buys lunch! In Paris! Hell, I don’t even like Coach bags. That’s what money does to a person.

Gotta admit, I had my doubts about this Dawel guy when he told me he was an Audit Account Manager. Usually when you hear that title, you run faster than William H. Macy in Fargo. And then he tells me has access to a reliable web directory while I have to depend on Google? But, the fasting and praying part is what won me over. Publishers Clearing House wouldn’t pull out all the stops like that.

Mr. Dawel confessed that he needed my help to claim 10.5 million USD . . “without any trouble” . . “from a dormant account” . . “without a trace of family to claim the fund”. And for my troubles, I get 40% of the take. Well, I don’t know how they do business in Nigeria. But I like it.

Oh hold on . . phone . . .

I’m back. That was James Cameron. I told him I’m looking to finance Titanic 2.

Anyway, turns out, the deceased person was from Atlanta and Dawel needs an American citizen to claim the funds. And I guess he was hesitant to ask Ray Lewis. So of course, he asked me because I have ‘integrity’ and ‘trustworthiness’. Which makes this the perfect business relationship because he has NO idea what he’s talking about.

Of course, this being a business transaction and all, I’m exercising caution as it pertains to the information I give Mr. Dawel. Here’s a sample . . .

YOUR NAME: Tom Cruise

YOUR CONTACT TELEPHONE NUMBER: 867-5309

YOUR AGE: 40…..ish

YOUR OCCUPATIONS: Auditor of Audit Account Managers

YOUR PHOTO OR IDENTITY CARD: Available for the sum of 40% of 10.5 million USD. To be placed in my Williams Sonoma Visa Card Account.

I gotta run. I’m buying A-Rod from the Yankees so that I can pelt him with HGH bottles and tell him how Ken Phelps will be getting his number retired before he does.

Who says money can’t buy happiness?