When I re-entered the dating pool, I jumped right in without skimming the water. I was thirty eight, she was twenty six, and I would learn very early on in the relationship that you best be careful what you wish for. So I called a married friend of mine for support, and got this instead.
February 6, 2005:
“Hey lover boy! What’s up?”
“I’m gonna break it off.”
“Already? How long has it . .”
“Two weeks, give or take my sanity.”
“Ah, she’s crazy huh?.”
“No, she’s great. We have great conversations, great sex, great sleeping mojo, and for once . . I actually have a social life.”
“I’m sorry, you’re breaking up with a hot stripper because she makes you happy?”
“Former stripper.”
“Dude, strippers are like doctors. They don’t have to be practicing to be of great value.”
“We went clubbing last night and we’re sitting right up against each other, so she asks me if I’m having fun. By texting me.”
“That’s sweet.”
“Shut up. I’m getting NO sleep. We got in at two thirty, she was up at 6! We’re supposed to go to an Eagles Super Bowl party later . . I’d rather have root canal.
“Here’s some advice. You drink too much, call in sick tomorrow and catch up on sleep. I do it every year.”
“I swear, I never saw a person with so many friends, and they’re all named Zach or Dallas . . it’s like an M. Night movie. Oh, and they’re gonna be playing beer pong,”
“Fun game.”
“A ping pong tournament where the winner reports directly to AA, ain’t a fun game. It’s a cry for help. And they’ll probably be playing Call of Duty too . . shit.”
“My nephew loves that game.”
“Right, he’s twelve years old.”
“Just tell her you work tomorrow and you want to bounce early.”
“I don’t want her to think I can’t hang.”
“So you break up, that’s much better.”
“If not for the fact I have the kids this week, do you realize the shit I was gonna be subjected to?”
“I don’t know, sex and partying?”
“She’s going skiing, on a weeknight. There’s wings and beer every Wednesday. And Thursday, a friend of hers is playing the Chameleon. I know that sounds like fun and games for you Honey Do Lister’s, but trust me, the reality is exhausting.”
“Spoken like a thirty eight year old man whose idea of a good time is pizza delivery and a Tarantino marathon.”
“Carolyn insists I don’t look a day over thirty.”
“Of course she does. Women are blind when they’re having sex with a guy. Like, Jenny insists I’m not fat.”
“Whatever, I’m gonna talk to her today.”
“Don’t do something you’re gonna regret.”
“Regret? It’s been two weeks! I’ve left my car parked longer than that.”
“Give it another week, maybe things will slow down. You’ll get bored with each other, the sex will become less frequent. And then you’ll be happy.”
One Week Later . . .
I chose Barnes and Noble and delivered the news over mocha coffees. Her response was to invite me rock climbing. It occurred to me inside that moment, that I had chosen right, even if we were all wrong for each other.
Love is a funny thing.
Comments on: "Sunday Morning Coffee Love" (10)
I always thought the Supreme on the far left (facing) was the cutest…but I digress. Cayman have you ever thought of writing a book? A male version of Nora Ephron! I can see movies being made from your books and, as your agent, I would then be able to give up the Furnace and retire at a young age…
Fantasy- I’m writing one as we speak. It’s baseball. It’s time machine. It’s 1956. And come to think of it, I will need an agent.
There’s a small part of me that sympathizes, having gone out with a several years younger girl.
There’s another part that thinks we’re both idiots.
Guapo- I’m going with the latter on this one. What WERE we thinking, man?
You definitely need to turn that conversation into a book, or at the least, a short story. I mean, I don’t know if that chat was 100% real or if you modified it at all, but man, it was funny.
4am- The conversation was real, the minutes of which were in fact modified. But his lines were pretty much all as he told me them. A writer is quick to forget his ideas, but he never forgets the stuff he knows for funny.
Okay, first, have your people contact my people and we’ll do lunch, talk logistics and royalties. Then I’ll need a marketing man, a lawyer, a copyright attorney, a publisher (or three), and will need to contact that fellow Barnes ( and his good friend, Noble), and then we’re all set!
Alright Cayman, hit the presses! And put up that video by ABBA called, Money, Money, Money….i’ve already received two offers for the sequel while I’ve been replying here….
Umm, not for nothing . . but as far as cheap dates go? You ain’t.
C’mon Man! She is a perfect add to the Booty call list. I have to teach you everything?
Break it Down- Yes . . . yes, you DO have to teach me everything. But you don’t have to rub it in.