shaken, not slurred

So you want to be an outlaw

Wanted posterThe idea of being on the run is interesting as all get out when Harrison Ford is doing the running. Steve McQueen dressed it up just fine too, what with his super charged vehicles from a time when Motor City was the Roman Empire of kick ass growl.

Personally, I couldn’t pull it off. Being an outlaw and a cat owner are mutually exclusive undertakings. And besides, hygiene is a big deal with me. I’d go bat shit crazy wondering where- and more importantly, when my next shower was coming.

Most Americans would be outlaws (my opinion) if not for the obvious pitfalls that come with the job. While getting shot at makes you feel tough, this feeling is mitigated by the idea that yanno, you might actually get shot. And being arrested is an incredibly traumatic experience, even for those with plenty of experience- like pro athletes. If you survive the ordeal, there’s trial, prison and if you’re really lucky, a Walmart greeters job waiting for you on the other side.

This isn’t to say there aren’t some nice perks to being an outlaw. Like, you don’t have to floss, or take out the trash, or worry about bills. And you won’t have to sweat jury duty ever again. Although you might have to sweat a jury trial, which is just as painful.

Outlaw Do’s

-Punch A-Rod in the face
-Go Robin Hood . . in 5G
-Sleep with Kathy Griffin
-YouTube the hell out of yourself

If you really have your heart set on being an outlaw, go strong. High profile is preferable to hiding out in fleabag hotels, eating microwave pizza and ending up a blurb in the police log of your local paper. As a high profile outlaw, your ass is gazpacho when the fuzz catches up with you, but this is preferable to what your ass will become if you went to prison.

Outlaw Don’ts 

-Apologize for punching A-Rod
-Text. Outlaws don’t do anything that may involve an lol
-Eat ice cream. The frilly flavors, the spoons . . no
-Say ‘Woo hoo!’ or ‘Yee haw!’

Inside the living daylights, you’re going to have a fan base that would make the Dallas Cowboys envious since Americans love a rebel who gives the establishment a mucho gusto middle finger. Be forewarned, this love is short lived. On Monday you’re gonna be captivating. On Wednesday they’re gonna raise a toast to you . . and on Friday night? Let’s just say your name is gonna be all the rage nine months hence. But come Sunday morning, they’ll be saying “Why the fuck haven’t they killed this guy yet!?” Yes, your existence will be akin to a creme filled donut; loved into hate, precipitously like that.

Cars . . .

eleanor-shelby-gt500-1967-6Minivans and electric cars need not apply. The great thing about being an outlaw is that if you don’t own a cool ride, you can just steal one. You’re an outlaw! Go American and you will go lead story on Fox News. While not the coolest network, it is the most watched. A few outlaw must haves include the Stingray Corvette, Pontiac Firebird or the baddest girl at the bad ass ball . . the ’67 Shelby GT 500. Giddy? Meet up.

Clothes . . .

No suit and tie. Remember, you’re a rebel. And besides, you don’t have time to waste at the dry cleaners. No bolo ties or cowboy hats since it makes you look like you’re trying too hard. No sneakers or baseball caps since it makes you look like you’re not trying hard enough. Go with long sleeved collared shirts, solid colors. Take it down a button or two since you don’t want to look like a Mormon but no more than that since you don’t want to look like Burt Reynolds either. Jeans are the best bet but slacks are plenty fine, as long as you don’t try Dockers, in which case you deserve to be shot.

Places you don’t want to be caught dead in . . .

-Outside the Today Show
-Fast food drive thru’s
-Applebees
-A Mets game
-Any place that sells yogurt
-Build-A-Bear Workshop
-JC Penney (They sell Dockers)
-Chuck Norris’s lunchbox

Places you want to be caught dead in . . .

A saloon is very Clint Eastwood. A garish Miami mansion is very Tony Montana. And if you’re delusional enough to believe you will have a choice in where the Feds are going to cap your ass, read on.

Your best bet is a movie theater. Dillinger was the Rembrandt of fugitives, he just knew. Make your final destination an Art Deco joint, not one of those big box movie malls. As far as movie fare is concerned, Westerns and documentaries work just fine. No shoot ‘em ups or car chase flicks since that’s redundant. Romance is a great way to go out, as long as Nicholas Sparks didn’t write it and Vince Vaughn didn’t star in it.

Well, that’s it. Best of luck to you when the rubber hits the road. And remember, you’re not alone in this. Even though you really, really are. Unless you were able to recruit a sidekick, in which case . . . HIGH FIVE! And color me envious. Shit, I can’t even get my friends to help me move.

Godspeed.

Comments on: "So you want to be an outlaw" (22)

  1. Can’t I just be a politician, and still get a paycheck as an outlaw?

    Though I’ll admit, there are a whole bunch of laws I’d be willing to break for that Mustang.

  2. Eh…I do believe that Steve McQueen drove a ’64 Mustang in Bullitt and wore a baseball cap in The Thomas Crown Affair. Just saying…

    I think if I, as Fantasy Man, ever became an outlaw, I would insure my safety by being über conspicuous (so as not to be outlaw-looking) and traverse the neighborhoods in my Dockers while snacking on a strawberry swirl fat free yogurt and pray that, loving sports as passionately as I do, that if I WAS to get caught it would be during the seventh inning stretch at Citi Field!

    • Fantasy Man, you can tell who the details man is. Nice catches, and noted. But . . .
      The Shelby featured here is “Eleanor” from the Nick Cage movie. It’s my personal fave when it comes to outlaw dreams. And McQueen wore a baseball cap before it became a thing for most guys to do. Nowadays, it ain’t no thing . . hence it’s less effective.
      And I have touched a nerve with my Mets game comment, and I’m sorry about that.

      • True about the baseball cap. In the movie it makes for a lame accessory for Mr. McQueen.

        As for the Mets reference, please note that I am NOT a Mets fan. I cover them-it is after all a N.Y. team, but they’re not my team of choice.

  3. As usual you have me wanting to be whatever you post about. Hell yes I want to be an outlaw. I want to be able to say, “come and get me you dirty rotten coppers.” Yeah listen see. You ain’t seen nothin’ till you see a fiction writer making up outlaw shit. Wear black and when you walk the music in the background gores a little like um uga um uga um uga um. The car is a mustang, chevy eight or straight out of hell four on the floor, pos-a-traction, ported and relieved little GTO. Damn Thorn you got me hot again.

  4. An outlaw eh? I don’t recall ever wanting to be one unless you count badass Trinity in the Matrix. I wanted to be that tough after watching it for the first time and the second time….

  5. I’m with you on the need for good hygiene, so no, I never wanted to be an outlaw. What I DO day-dream about is being bad-ass enough to kick the shit out of outlaws with words. If I can calm Johnny Depp’s room-trashing quick temper, I could quite possibly save the world. (Johnny, by the way, makes a good outlaw, don’t ya think?)

    I did stand up to Pork Morehouse once. Talked him out of a bar brawl after I snatched away the beer bottle he was about to club a guy with. Earned me real street cred for long time after that. NOBODY stood up to Pork Morehouse!

    • Kicking the shit out of outlaws with words is very Woodward and Bernstein. And Johnny Depp makes a good anything, really.
      And to paraphrase Jim Croce, you don’t step on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in the wind, you don’t talk Pork Morehouse out of barroom brawls . . unless your name is Mary Pierce . . .

  6. I think I’d make a pretty good outlaw. I like to eat on the go, I don’t mind losing out on sleep if it’s important enough, I’m pretty quick, and I can be charming when I need to be. Where do I sign up?

    • Boom! You just did. Outlaws don’t concern themselves with myriad application forms. As it turns out, they’re environmentally friendly. Who knew?

  7. You know I’m a badass, but I don’t think I can handle the outlaw life. I’m totally into showers and hygiene. In fact I don’t even know if outlaws would truly enjoy a full meal because they’re always on the go and worrying about getting shot. I’m a total food lover and don’t know if I could take the stress of speed eating, but I agree with you on the minivan. It’s not outlaw-worthy at all. It’s not even Guat worthy, I’m probably one of the few moms on Earth who is anti van.

    • P.S. That Steve McQueen song is pretty cool. Good outlaw song, but my favorite outlaw song is from Reservoir Dogs … although I don’t know if you’d really consider them outlaws more like criminals. Eastwood sounds like a better outlaw.

    • The Honda mini-van is as close to outlaw as any outlaw should get, and I say that only because I’ve ridden in one and they ARE a super cool ride, for a min-van. But the rules for such a ride are simple. You can’t spend more than a couple hours in transit. It must be a diversionary tactic. And NEVER in Texas.

  8. You had me at “punch A-Rod in the face.” :-D

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