shaken, not slurred

Darth VaderIt’s rare that Stephen Hawking pisses me off- rare as in, it never happened before. But he pissed me off this week with his new paper which basically states that black holes do not actually exist.

I understand it’s impolitic to trash talk a famed theoretical physicist whose works will last longer than a McDonald’s french fry. I also understand that honesty seems to be de rigeur among scientists. But for the love of Sheryl Crow, I’m okay with being lied to. Because black holes are one seriously cool shit idea whose fantasy shouldn’t be compromised simply because you have facts to back you up. What’s not to love about taking a spin into my calendar’s back pocket and re-arranging my cosmic furniture, or at the very least, being able to sit in it again? Wormhole covers under which swim galactic do overs? Bazinga!

A Top Five Do Over (Or Do Again) List from Yours Truly

1 through 4- would deal with my kids.

5 - I would have told my History teacher she was the hottest thing on two heels when we shared a moment back in high school. The moment was innocent, since I was seventeen and she was terrific at her job and well adjusted to what right and wrong meant.

But maybe if I would have let her know what I was thinking inside that moment, it would have laid the groundwork for some future tryst. At her place, with some Barry White grooving up the turntable. And maybe there would have been a nice bottle of Chianti involved. Maybe she would have excused herself so that she could slip into something more comfortable than that sophisticated rhapsody of a black skirt she used to wear so well.  And maybe I better stop talking about this, because it really makes me want to kick Stephen Hawking’s ass, which would be wrong on so many different levels, if not completely satisfying.

Anyways . . here are a few mysteries of my universe.

Why does the Weather Channel have a porn soundtrack?

Why do I mourn the death of pay phones despite not missing them in the least?

And phone books. We’re still doing that? 

Is it rational to believe in elves without believing in Santa? 

Why do I have a fear of wicker?

When did the news become something out of a Coen Brothers flick?

 

Why extended replay for the MLB when games already last longer than the average ’80′s hair band? 

Why did I watch Life as We Know It with Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel? And what’s even more unforgivable than that question is this one . .  How did I end up loving it? I mean, seriously laughing at the funny parts- like when Simon tells Messer, “You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and they don’t change anything.”  . . . and yeah, I grabbed the Kleenex during the hospital scene with Holly, and really . . I just knew Messer was going to be at home when she got there. Oh, and if I gave anything away? Blame Stephen Hawking. 

Not for nothing but the soundtrack for Life as We Know It is nothing short of sensational. And well, I guess I figured any flick that could deal up Ray LaMontagne, Roberta Flack and Amy Winehouse couldn’t be all that bad.

And why’d you have to leave so soon, Amy? I’m always gonna miss the so much more of what you never got to give to us. 

 

Why do people still need to be told what a dumb password looks like?

Am I the only one who remembers John Stamos as Blackie Parrish?

AMC Gremlin

Why NOT bring the AMC Gremlin back?

And no, I never had one. But IF black holes did exist, I would definitely have one at some point.

Definitely, probably. 

Why the continuing fascination with Born in the USA? Not to be unpatriotic, but it doesn’t even make my Springsteen Top 50.

Why do I absolutely despise Flo, from the Progressive Insurance commercials?

I could do this all day, but since Stephen Hawking killed infinity, it doesn’t seem like such a great idea.

What does qualify as a great idea is coming up on Wednesday, January 29th when I will be featuring the inimitable John W. Howell on this here blog. So look for that and go check out his business when you can. It’s way more interesting than anything Stephen Hawking has to offer.

And that’s no lie.

Comments on: "Why Couldn’t Stephen Hawking Have Gone Into Politics?" (25)

  1. Thanks for the shout out. This was an interesting post since, I like you, am disappointed to learn there are no black holes. This takes away one of my best lines when some lousy server used to yell across the café floor, “WHAT NO TIP?” My rejoinder used to be, “stay away from black holes.” Now I have lost the ability to avoid the truth. “Cause you are a shitty server.” Ah well, if it’s the worst thing that happens this week I’m off lucky.

  2. When the hell did black holes go away???
    And I thought Hawking was their biggest proponent!

    And good lord, don’t get a Gremlin. Or any AMC product. Including Jeeps from that era.

    • I had a Jeep. It was the longest ten years of my life, and seeing as how it only lasted seven years . . well, yanno. Talk about a black hole.

      • Ha! I had a whole in a rusted Jeep (probably a Suzuki, but I’m calling it a Jeep) eat a shoe once on vacation.
        That shoe will be my connection to the tropics. Always.

  3. Cay..sometimes when I read your blog posts I be like..”…you know what?..this guy is one whiskey shot short of brilliant!” But i would like you to visit a therapist about the fear of wicker thing. Also, I love that your considering a Gremlin next go on the merry go round..and maybe the history teacher will dig guys in Gremlins. :-)

    PS: Something enrages me about ole Stephen H. and his robotic scientific atheistic views but I get his IQ is beyond comprehension for someone like me BUT!…do you ever wonder what the cause of the Karmic poop-pile Hawking inherited to suffer physically like he has in this life? It’s a thought I ponder.

    • Wait a minute, who’s whiskey shot? Yours or mine? Cause if it’s the writer’s side of business you’re talking, hey . . I can be Oscar Wilde by this time tomorrow night. (Did I just make a date with myself? I think I did. Okay then.)
      The wicker thing isn’t something I would discuss with my therapist. I mean, what if she’s a wicker person? Then I’m screwed. And she already knows WAY too much as it is.
      My history teacher was an Italian lady. I don’t think she had a clue as to what a Gremlin was all about. Which . . come to think of it, yeah . . that works.
      As for the Hawk? I have no idea what his previous life looked like. But I hope in his next one, he’s a mime. And like, the best mime ever.

  4. I remember Blackie Parrish.

    • 4am- How is it that I can ALWAYS count on a Boston fan for questions such as these? I guess baseball isn’t everything after all. It’s hell of a lot, don’t get me wrong . . but it ain’t everything. Thanks Bahstan.

  5. I’m impressed that you read a Hawking paper. Meanwhile, here’s on for you.

  6. What? How could Hawkings say they don’t exist when … but … NASA has PICTURES *stomping foot*. Or is this like Pluto and black holes are being demoted to something lesser?

    Saying there’s no such thing as black holes is like saying there is no Wardrobe to Narnia.

    • Well C.K., it’s like this. Pluto and the black hole WERE demoted. It’s not simply a global depression, times is tough.
      And FYI . . . according to Hawking, “The Chronicles of Narnia” is nothing more than children’s literature. I tell you what, a guy has a pocket protector and he becomes a know it all.

      • Pfft! I’d like to give Mr. Hawking’s a piece of my mind, but as I’m not a genius I need all my mind pieces so I won’t do that. Nothing more than children’s literature? The man lacks vision!

        And truly, demoting the god of the underworld? That’s rarely a good idea. Honestly it could explain a few things going on in the world since then! ;)

  7. Scientists (most) are humans too & they too like to flip-flop on their claims. They took Pluto off the solar system elitist band called planets; didn’t even ask Pluto to provide defense on the short cuts it’s making on the long trip around the sun.
    I think when they named black holes; they didn’t carefully evaluate the definition of “Hole” – an opening that allows thing to pass through. Obviously that’s not what the phenomenon is, once things get in it never escapes. They’ll come back in few days & give an appropriate name “Cosmic IRS”

    • Yatin- Hawking isn’t human, and please . . do not even infer such an idea. He HAS played the part of a human being fairly well, however. Being as how he has bounced around on this idea for quite some time now.
      As a laymen, I much prefer the idea of black holes as galactic Holiday Inns where you get to work on reworking/gussying up your presentation (life). I do not like the idea of spaghetti-fication or getting deep fried nearly as much.
      Cosmic IRS is a keeper. Trademark that one before some musical band gets its hands on it.

  8. Does Hawking have the authority to do that? It may be the first time he’s been wrong.
    Are you serious about Gremlins? They were somewhat similar to the Pinto…Remember the Pacer???

    • Colorado- Hawking has been wrong many times. But it’s the old Michael Jordan thing. You fail again and again and again, and that is why you succeed. There’s something to that. I dig reading Hawking.
      My father had a Pinto. Road trips were the very definition of event horizons.

  9. He’s not saying that they don’t exist, just that certain aspects of a black hole, such as the borders or event horizons, are not so sharply defined as he once thought. It’s characteristics are slightly different, more chaotic. Think of it in terms of being more “gray” than black.

    I once drove from northern New York to Boulder, Colorado with my sister in her piece-of-shit Gremlin. Please don’t bring them back.

    Also, I know why you’re afraid of wicker. Because wicker has a nasty habit of splintering and then jabbing you in the leg or some other sensitive area when you unwittingly sit down. Then there’s that whole “wicker man” mythology. Did you see either film (1973 and 2006)?

    About that MSNBC clip – Holy Mother of mindless mediocrity!! That almost makes me want to go find a black hole (maybe gray) and crawl into it. That would be one way to test Hawking’s latest theory.

    • Wild Words- You are correct, of course. But, the Hawk’s paper was thin enough on the details of his latest theory to allow for me to go Thelma and Louise on his ass. Interestingly enough, I had weighed a “50 Shades” idea for this post, as per that gray area Hawking is currently speaking on. But since I didn’t read the book, I wasn’t going to have as much fun with that.
      And no, I will not speak on the wicker man mythology. I want to sleep tonight.
      As for the MSNBC clip, in all fairness to Andrea Mitchell, this wasn’t her call. It’s one of those “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” situations. And that was my thing. News directors MUST be writing treatments for the Coen Brothers, cause they ain’t feeding the public anything newsworthy when they peddle this crap. Ratings be damned.

  10. - LOVE Sara’s version. Even more than Elton.

    - I have a girl crush on Flo. That hair, that lip stick, that name tag …

    - Amy. Amy. Amy. Sigh. Miss her so much.

    • Hey Tupelo- Sara’s version IS better, and man, that’s saying lots.
      As for Flo, okay . . maybe ‘despise’ was a bit strong. But strong dislike, yeah . . gotta say.
      And with Amy, I listen to her voice and it’s impossible to understand how there isn’t more of it on the way. She was such a tortured soul, but the beauty inside . . damn if it wasn’t a forever kind of thing.
      As for Sara, did you check out her take on the timeless Otis Redding?

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