All apologies to the other leagues, but the MLB trade deadline? Is. Tha. Shit.
Not sure why I’m apologizing since the truth needs no apology. It just be. Hey, the other leagues have their cool shit. Like, the NFL is year round applause- they don’t need a July 31st holiday. And the NBA has July 10, when the biggest names be like “Bitches, it’s been real” before jumping to a fresh crib. And the NHL? Well . . . it has cool uniforms. And plenty of ice.
But the MLB trading deadline always gives us something we didn’t figure on seeing. For instance, my vaunted New York Yankees. The franchise Apple would’ve created if Steve Jobs had been around at the beginning of the last century. The franchise of Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Jackson, Jeter, Rivera and, not to mention twenty seven world championships. The franchise that everybody loves to hate, with the exception of Darth Vader and Marie Osmond . . . has gone rogue. The 2016 trading deadline gifted us the kind of once in a generation proposition we never thought we’d live to see. The Bronx Bombers SOLD.
And not for nothing? But this Yankees fan loves it.
Mostly because we ain’t winning jack this season- not the pepper and most certainly not the cheese. The best we could’ve hoped for (Oh shit, did I just say ‘we’ again? I meant ‘they’.) is a wild card berth, after which we (they) would (still might) be promptly sent home. If you’re an MLB fan- affiliation notwithstanding- you know full well the Yankees ain’t cool with settling for the bronze medal. October is all or nothing time for the pinstripes, and for the last couple years they (Nailed it!) have produced plenty of nothing.
In keeping with one of nature’s unforgiving truths that every face needs a makeover (Ask Darth Vader, and Marie Osmond.) the Yanks went under the knife. They bid adieu to Aroldis Chapman and Andrew Miller- two of the best relievers in baseball not named Wade Davis. And then they cut bait with Carlos Beltran, thankfully before he punctured a lung or pulled his hamstring stepping on a tic tac.
In return, the Yankees got younger than Tom Cruise’s next girlfriend. Kitschy, coo . . . sexy.
Okay, you didn’t ask for it . . . which is why I’m supplying it. A top 5 things I hate about the MLB. Not because I want to harsh the mellow of this cosmic interlude, but simply because I haven’t posted a top 5 hate-list since forever.
Fans who make fun of the Yankees for selling- Have your team win something shiny. Until then, shaddup.
Not to mention, all those fans who bitched about the Yankees “buying titles”- Only in sports does an argument such as this gain legs. Of course, now that cable deals and revenue sharing allow most teams to “buy” titles, there’s not so much bitching going on with those same fans on account of the fact their teams still ain’t got the titles. Funny how that works.
Pete Rose- He IS the hit king, but he has to give it a fucking break with his transparently absurd jabs at Ichiro. Hey Pete! If Ichiro would’ve broken into the MLB at 19, you’d be sweating your balls off right about now. Give Ichiro his props and stop it with the bitter old man act. You’ll get in the Hall when Justin Bieber becomes MLB commissioner, so chill. Okay, so . . . you’ll be dead. But it still counts.
Roger Goodell- Oh shit, this isn’t MLB bizness. And thank God. We (Yes, we) had Bud Selig, so we didn’t need another rainmaker for the owners club telling us he wasn’t gonna hit and run while he was hitting and running. Sheriff G has presided over unprecedented growth whilst administering colonoscopies to the sacred chapels of NFL fandom from coast to coast. His good for the bottom line legacy is littered with not so cool shit. And on behalf of the fine peeps of Indy and Wisconsin strong, thanks for Sunday night Sheriff! Good to see you’re still dotting those I’s and crossing the fans!
The Chicago Cubs– I realize that hating on a team that hasn’t won a title since before the Titanic was built seems a tad harsh. But let’s be real about the team on Addison. They made a cottage industry out of a losing product without fear of FTC reprisal forever! These clowns have charged outrageous prices for the privilege of watching the hometown team lose and then they go and blame their lack of hardware on a curse . . . involving a Billy goat? No.
Jeff Passan- Is yet another reason why most sportswriters should be brought up on felony charges for stealing money. And they’ve been doing it since the Cubs actually won a World Series, outside of Back to the Future. Passan wrote what can best be described as a literary blowjob for the Los Angeles Dodgers last year. In said piece, Passan proclaimed that the Dodgers were the MLB’s new way of doing business while the Yankees were nothing more than the old money standard. Welp, the big market Dodgers are still looking for their first world title since 1988. If the Yankees went 28 years between titles, the entire front office would be shot. And justifiably so.
Curses– I’m sick and fucking tired of teams that blame their inept ways on curses. From Billy goats to Babe Ruth, dollar bills, missing teeth, Jerry Glanville, stove pipe hats, V-neck sweaters, Super Bowl hookers, Bernie Brewer, Chief Wahoo . . . to flat champagne and Luis Gonzalez’s gum. All real curses with one prevailing theme: They are entirely full of shit. Packaged and sold by clubs who are really bad at the business of actually winning. It’s amazing what happens to curses when smart people are put in place and allowed to do their jobs. Just ask the fans in Boston, Cleveland and maybe even that team on Addison. Curses are the new bullshit.
I realize I probably went over the promised five of hated things, but like I said, it’s been a while. Not to mention, I would be better at math if I’d had a hot math teacher. Mr Bellagio? Wasn’t hot.
So count me in on this Yankees rebuild. Tex is gonna be gone at season’s end- which, given his injury history is likely to happen right . . about . . now. And A-Rod’s new job description will be to sit in the VIP suite and not say any headline grabbing shit. He’ll fail miserably on the latter count but it won’t get much play with Trump on the campaign trail. And so after all that selling, my (those? no . . . it’s my) Yankees have transformed their farm system into one of the best in the game while at the same time remaining in play for every single hot stove free agent in the next couple years. And so maybe the Indians are gonna win the World Series this year because it’s in Lebron’s contract. But come 2019, the Evil Empire is back.
Maybe Darth Vader can throw out the first ball. That’d be kitschy.