You can’t find Crackotopia on Google Maps

I had this dream the other night where I was a child star who ends up being kidnapped and held for ransom. My parents ignore the ransom demands and I am shipped off to Crackotopia where I spend the next twenty years in a labor camp making defective playground equipment. I am finally ‘rescued’ from my shackled existence by a former U.S. Senator who flies me to Thailand and makes me his bitch. Against my will, of course.

I escape his compound and make my way to Bangkok where I get a job as a window cleaner in the Baiyoke Tower. My first day on the job doesn’t go so well. While stepping onto the scaffolding, I lose my balance and plummet to my death. The cherry on top of the shit cake that was my life is that I am only six feet from the ground when I do so.

Posthumous recognition comes in the form of late night comedians who mock me, unemployed you-tubers who impersonate me and an episode of 1,000 Ways to Die that celebrates me.

Turns out, there is no such place as Crackotopia (I googled it), and Harry Reid just bought back his Senate seat . . . so chalk up all that hilarity to vodka shots and some really bad Thai food.

But you know what? The dream is still a damn sight better than the fate of most child stars. Think about it . . In the dream I had a steady gig. And then I entered into a ‘contract’ with an executive who still considered me to be a hot commodity. And then I fell INTO rather than FROM glory.

David Cassidy wasn’t a child actor and it shows. Unlike a lot of child actors, he’s still alive and he’s still working. Cassidy is part of an equally unfortunate club known as the Teen Heartthrob Club. Membership in this club means that most people are not aware that you are still alive, much less that you are still working.

Often times the former teen heartthrob ends up in the news for doing something very uncool, some would say embarrassing even. Things like writing a tell all book that ends up on the clearance shelves before its release. Or getting liposuction. Starring in a reality show. Becoming a recurring character on Family Guy. Being the guest of honor at a grocery store opening. Going to hemp conventions. Stalking Ted Danson.

David Cassidy failed a couple of sobriety tests because his feet kept getting in the way, and then he blamed it on his farsightedness. Therein lies the difference between a teen heartthrob and a child actor. Where Danny Bonaduce would have chalked up the failed sobriety tests to booze, pills, crack, meth, weed and a car full of hookers . . . Cassidy takes the ‘Wandering Eye’ defense.

I hope I’m around to see Zac Effron go through this shit.

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2 thoughts on “You can’t find Crackotopia on Google Maps

  1. Your dream sounds like it would be a great movie, have you considered selling the rights?

    Wait, “Childstar” is already a movie. Maybe Don McKellar had the same dream as you.

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