Here in my car I feel safest of all . . .

I’ve never been a car show person. That’s what happens when you’re born with the “cars are nothing more than methods of transportation” gene. If Point A hooks up with Point B, the ride is good enough for me.

As with a football pass, three things can happen when you step into a vehicle and two of them are bad. The shock and awe provided by a car show cannot prevail over this sobering fact.

That being said, there are a couple of rides out there I admit to crushing on. Not in a “gotta have it” kind of way. It’s more like  “hey, that’s coooool” . . . that kind of way.

Mini Cooper- I’m going to take one of these hush puppies on a test drive so’s I can remember what it felt like to drive a Big Wheel.

It’s a cute little thing. Certainly not something I’d purchase though. If I were in the market, then it would probably be a . .

Dodge Magnum- Any derivation from my trusty flatbed would lead me to this. Cause it holds a lot of shit. That’s big with me. You never know when you might happen upon a cigar store Indian you gotta have. Believe me, I speak from experience when it comes to this stuff.

A car with some meat on its bones is a good thing when you live in the suburbs. But I don’t figure on changing up just cause I’m cruising in the city. Besides, I’ve always had a thing for . . .

The New York Taxi (Old School Edition)- I have to hanker since Mayor Bloomberg has announced plans to go green with NY’s fleet of yellows. This urban carriage has the magical ability to crash the sound barrier while weaving in and out of congested avenues. It accomplishes this amazing feat without upsetting a single hair on  my pretty little head. It is, in a word. . . Terrificness.

Now if I were to condense my wheels to fit comfortably inside the asphalt streams of the greatest city in the world, I’d have to go with . . .

The Big Wheel- Well, just so’s I can remember what it felt like to test drive a Mini Cooper. Of course,  I would have to rid myself of the tassels. And I’d have to paint the thing a more masculine color. And I’d have to lose about a hundred pounds. But when all was said and done, watch out baby!

Then there are my dream rides. The ones I truly do fantasize about owning, simply because I know I never will.

The Beast- It’s a bomb proof Cadillac with machine gun turrets. The dealer told me it has a basketball court, home theater and spa. And Oprah pipes the GPS. The best part is that when you push that red button on the dash? North Korea goes buh bye.

Last but best (for me) is the ride to end all rides. Even if it walks on water cause it’s a boat.

The Earthrace- She’s beautiful on the outside and the inside. Anything that prevents the wholesale slaughter of whales while looking this cool is aaaalriigghhtt. That’s why it nudges out the Beast for coolest ride on my planet.

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