I never make my New Years resolutions at New Years. It’s too much pressure, and I don’t feel like I should be crapping up a brand new year with resolutions that will ultimately fail anyway.
Throughout the year I make ‘resolutions’. Such as the one I made on the day after Black Friday when I quit smoking. Which means I am currently on Day 35 of the nicotine liquidation. If I would have waited until January 1st to do this, I know what would have happened. I would have celebrated the occasion with a cigarette, after which I would have uttered an all too familiar refrain “Wait till next year”.
Another resolution of 2010 was no more one night stands. With two days remaining in the year, I haven’t had a single one night stand. Technically this one doesn’t count since I never actually made such a resolution, but I’m including it since it puts a positive slant on an otherwise unfortunate fact.
With that said, I think I should come up with a few NY resolutions on this eve of the eve of a new year. These are resolutions to which I will have no problem whatsoever abiding by.
Hey . . . it may not count for much but it still counts for something.
-No Tyler Perry shows or movies
-I will not join the Nazi Party
-Stay away from Jagermeister
-No Beer Pong
-I will not forgive and forget the Michael Vick crimes
-Will not buy stock in The ‘Ove’ Glove
-Not going to move to Gary, Indiana
-I will not log on to sarahpalin.com
-I will not look to see if there is a sarahpalin.com to log on to
-No trying out for the role of Spiderman on Broadway
-Will not steal 1.5 million in chips from the Bellagio ever again
-Will not ask Kate Gosselin to marry me
-I will not miss Governor Rendell even a little bit
-I will never root for snow ever again
-I will not send Bethenny Frankel a note when she discovers hubby is gay
-No college bowl games
-Will not envy Kim Kardashian’s next five minute relationship
-Will not make another one night stand resolution (till Dec 30,2011)
And my number one resolution when ringing in the new year . . . .
I will respect Vera Farmiga’s right to be married to someone other than myself.