birds and fishes and . . God? oh my!

I’ve had it up to here when it comes to God-smack explanations for natural disasters and unexplained phenomena. Why do people always reflect on a school bus careening over a cliff with “How could God let such a thing happen?”

I say leave the big guy alone. He’s got enough on His plate as it is. He’s a single dad who’s been trying to get His son to clean up his look and get a job for more than 2,000 years now. He’s still looking for a reliable gardener. And as if the job wasn’t enough of a hassle, He has to figure out what He’s going to do with Hugh Hefner- eventually.

But none of that seems to matter when 5,000 black birds fall from the skies. It has to be Him . . a sign . . prophesied from Exodus . . the end of days. Ooooh! Maybe Tom Hanks can finish off what’s left of his hairline on a third installment of those crappy Da Vinci movies. Nothing kills a rumor as effectively as low box office expectations, unless you’re John Travolta.

Hey, there are plenty of explanations for this flocked up shower. All of them ridiculous, yet none of them as patently ridiculous as blaming God.

Maybe terrorists were testing bio-weapons for use against the government, or maybe the government was testing bio-weapons for use against terrorists. Suicide pact? . . . The results of overindulging at the Cheesecake Factory? . . . Aliens? . . . Illegal aliens? . . . Captain Sully just snapped . . .  Michael Vick took up bird watching.

And 100,000 drum fish gone sideways in a river ain’t no thing. It’s simply the result of a handful of good old boys, an Old Milwaukee breakfast and about ten pounds worth of dynamite. Or as they say in Arkansas, a good day of fishing.

I don’t believe for a minute that God is smiting the innocent birdies or killing the fishes just so’s He can show off His glamor muscles. I’m just wondering if there is any truth to the story that when people started claiming God may have been responsible, Oprah fled the country.

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