If I was prez, what happens in vegas wouldn’t stay there

As far as I’m concerned, there are only a couple reasons why anyone in their right mind would want to occupy the Oval Office. Round the clock room service would be one. Shaping the Supreme Court the other.

Other than that, it’s a thankless job. Think about it. You go prematurely gray, you’re on call to the world twenty four seven, you have to be diplomatic with douchebags, the personal life of friends and family is held under a microscope, your legacy will suffer mightily at the inkwell of history despite your best efforts, you can’t walk around your house in boxers and you can’t swear in public.

No thank you.

But if I were to wake up as President tomorrow- and Ivan Reitman had nothing to do with it- here’s the business I would conduct.

Smoking Only bars and restaurants– It’s only fair.
Aptitude Test for prospective parents– SUPER tough.
Chain Gangs– You’re doing time, you’re fixing my roads up.
Legalize marijuana– For real.
Pull out of Afghanistan– And next time? Nukes.
Invade Cuba– Stimulate U.S. investment in Vegas 2.
No more Columbus Day– He was a real asshole.
Obese pay higher insurance premiums– Smokers do, so should they.

And my number one order of business would be to put an end to frivolous lawsuits. Oh, people would still be allowed to pursue litigation for spilling coffee on their laps. But they would so with a much stricter set of laws looking them in the face. And if they lose the case, they do time. Hard time.

In other words, Hubert Blackman would be thinking about the well being of his ass before filing a 1.8 million lawsuit against a Las Vegas escort service.

Hubert is the college student who claims he was screwed by the service. Literally and then figuratively. It seems the stripper he ordered came up to his room and performed a sex act and then left . . with a half hour’s time still on Blackman’s, umm, clock. The kid insists he was too drunk to have made a coherent decision and that he is owed his $275 back and then an extra 1.8 mil more for being subjected to such a ‘tragic event’. Well, if I was prez he would be subjected to any number of ‘tragic’ events after he lost his ridiculous lawsuit. And the guy performing the acts on him would not be nearly as pretty as the high heeled company he was keeping in sin city.

Hell yes to the Chief.

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4 thoughts on “If I was prez, what happens in vegas wouldn’t stay there

  1. You’re not intimating that Ivan Reitman is a joke, are you? . . . cause he is one bad mofo and well, since I can’t whisper on a blog, I have to say shhh and hope you understand the warning!

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