Is the online magazine AskMen serious? Do they have any idea what they’re doing? Is it possible to be more clueless? Inept? Blind?
Their Top 99 list of mamas and shakers was meant to be comprehensive. Which helps to explain the proliferance of goth and lit chicks, the stay at homers, the Queens in waiting, the former Hooters gals, etc. This does not make up for the complete lack of real sexy going on. How in the hell is Blake Lively the champion? And Mila Kunis the runner up? Did the erectile college completely forget the Alamo or something?
And another thing. I have a problem with the auto industry standard that has been applied to the opposite sex, where every model has to conform to the other cause men say so. We lost curves and smoke to that bargain, boys.
Anyways. I’ve hijacked a few babes off that nonsensical ninety-nine. My prerequisites were quite simple. They had to actually look like women. Too many of the girls in the 99 appear as if they’ve just come off the set of some Disney Channel show. I mean, Keeley Hazell at number 25 is a cute little creation but I won’t even post her picture here for fear it’s some kind of Dateline sting.
I decided to rig together a list based on food rather than numbers. Romantic-like. I channeled a food for each woman on my list . . . something I would eat with them, on them, for them. Call it the science in my pants.
Kate Beckinsale- Rice Pudding with Passion Fruit
Scarlett Johansson- Lemon Ricotta Soufflé
Christina Hendricks- Salmon Trout Tartare with Caviar
Beyonce- Molten Chocolate Cake with Raspberry Filling
Alicia Keys- New York Strip with Tarragon Sauce
Marion Cotillard- Truffle-Infused French Onion Soup
Halle Berry- Bittersweet Chocolate Truffles
Jessica Pare-Pistachio Brittle Cheesecake
And one last thing. Did AskMen sink the boat with their curious omission of Vera Farmiga?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And fucking A.