Church attendance, fridge magnets and hell

Considering that organized religion has produced more bloodshed than all the world’s wars combined, excuse me for being a little abrupt when it comes to giving advice on the subject. It’s rare that I am asked for church etiquette since the last time I showed up at one, I was there to elect a state representative and borrow some political literature for a piece I was writing on the link between repression and sadomasochism.  

As far as the advice? In this case it was a matter of a lapsed Catholic girl who was accompanying her husband to a Presbyterian church. This unfortunate incident came about thanks to her husband’s newfound interest in bible club. This group is made up of men, which already makes it an incredibly boring club whose membership I would never seek out. I would sooner have a Borders book club membership.

Bible clubs, as with most matters of organized religion, involves networking, food and checking out the other guy’s wife in an obviously discreet and pious manner. And ditto for the women who hold these shindigs. ‘Cept, they offer up better covered pots and tend to smoke silly weed when their husband who serves as Deacon ends up coming out of the closet just in time for the holidays.

“I have a simple question for you,” She says.

“There are no simple questions, only simple people.” I reply.

“______ is getting on me about going to church with him this Sunday and I am really not looking forward to it. I mean . . . I know they’re going to give me a hard time about never attending with him. What do I say?”

She’s obviously in love. Enough so. And while I want to do the right thing, the right thing rarely wants to do me. So I give her some advice that I have borrowed from a fridge magnet I gave to my sister back when she had a life and before she decided to have a baby with her life partner. I thought perhaps it was worth pulling out for a friend in need.

“Just tell them you missed church because you were busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.”

There’s silence. I figure I’ve lost another friend to the voices in my head. How come only doctors and bartenders send me birthday cards any longer?

“That is perfect!”

She tells me she is going to use this tomorrow. I wish I had a conscience, because I’m actually hoping she does use it. If nothing else, it’s going to lead to a huge argument between her and hubby. And let me tell you something, while make up sex is good . . . make up sex after an argument over church attendance is WAY better. My ex wife would attest to this.

I think it’s entirely possible that I will burn in hell. That’s alright. I always wanted to live in a warmer climate.

Drink of the Day- It really should be wine, huh? But tonight it’s Saporro at a Japanese grill and sushi bar.


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