Lights, Camera, Over Budget Crappily Written Story!

If you’ve seen one action movie, you really haven’t seen them all. Even if it feels that way.

The old “We’re not so different” schpiel- The villain will attempt a few simpatico points with the protagonist by dragging out this tired line, as if there’s a chance in hell the two of them are going to negotiate a truce over a couple of brews at a strip club. Truth is, the screenwriters put it in for the thirty seconds of ‘layering’ they devote to their angel hair thin characters. Which makes them not so different from most sitcom writers.

Take an ass kicking and keep on ticking- While it’s true that the human body is quite resilient, there are limits. Getting thrown out of a third story window, getting pummeled by steel tipped boots, acting as a chew toy for hungry german shepherds, catapulting from speeding cars . . . after which you immediately remove your spleen from the ground while walking upright and lighting up a cigarette? Outside of Gary Busey, how many human beings could pull this off?  Believe it or not, the character’s superhuman resume is not written this way for the thrills it provides. It’s written this way in case they need to bring in a younger actor for the sequel.

Fiery explosions? Eat my dust!- Bruce Willis would hardly be believable as a jogger, yet he can outrun a fire mushroom in the movies. And in bare feet, no less. And he’s not alone. The Governator has done it several times over in his movies, despite possessing the mobility of a rocking chair. Same with Sly Stallone. Now, I understand the suspension of disbelief that one must bring to the movies- I watched Lindsay Lohan play a grounded teenage girl, after all. But when you figure that the fastest recorded human speed is somewhere in the neighborhood of 27 mph while an explosion is several thousand times faster than that, the only realistic way you make it to the next scene is on someone’s plate- served up with hot sauce, bleu cheese dressing and plenty of napkins.

Bang You’re Alive!- The average number of shots fired by the bad guys in a gun fight is approximately 356 with exactly 0 hits (unless the good guy has a love interest, in which case he suffers a flesh wound which will be the only thing dressed in the next scene). The average number of shots fired by said good guy is 7 with exactly 18 hits. That’s called Congressional Mathematics.

Speaking of love interests–  Basically, there are three types of action flick relationship guy.

You have the most happily married cop in the history of cops, who is either still honeymooning with his wife of twenty years or looking to avenge her untimely and tragic death. Then there is the divorced guy who still pines for his ex, but she won’t have him back unless he saves Manhattan and promises to pick up his boxers once in a while. Finally, there is the tortured artist single guy. He’s tired of killing bad guys, living in a condo that is several pay grades above his salary and nailing runway models. He just wants to settle down with a nice girl and raise a family, and maybe kill bad guys on the weekend.

The old adage which says first impressions are important doesn’t pertain to this guy and his love interest because they instantly despise each other. All is forgiven within forty minutes when the two of them multi-task each other across her kitchen counter. Writers make certain to place a sex scene within forty minutes of the opening credits so as to leave open the possibility of squeezing in another one in the event they run out of new and exciting ways of killing people off.

23 thoughts on “Lights, Camera, Over Budget Crappily Written Story!

  1. Lovit. Awesome, hilarious post, you’ve got a new subscriber! Way to expose the action movie persona.

  2. Love it!

    I’d like to add these . . .
    Things we wouldn’t know without the movies!
    (this stuff has been around a while but it’s still good)
    A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
    You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war – unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

  3. I strolled on over here from Susie’s blog party page. And, I must say I love your post, I couldn’t agree more w/ your analysis of action movies… I too have seen way to many and questioned the same things.

    • Emily. You are the sweetest. Which means, you’re not one of my regulars here at the bar. Sorry, don’t mean to say the regulars are a disagreeable bunch of people or anything. Okay, yeah, that’s exactly what I meant.
      Seriously, you know what I’m saying on this action movie business, right? This thought first occurred to me after watching Al Pacino in “88 Minutes”. Granted, by that time I’d already watched a thousand and one bad action flicks, but hey . . better late than never.

      • Aw, you called me sweet. Honestly I do stumble across a good movie every now and then that is unique but that’s the kicker, its unique which is why I like it. It’s not an action movie, rom-com or chick flick that only changes out its actors and scenery!

      • I probably stumble across the same movie. And I’m probably gonna stumble across one on Netflix a little later. Okay, just so’s I don’t come across as a complete doofus when it comes to movie choices . . . if you haven’t seen “The Visitor” yet, check it out. I just watched it again the other night. It never gets old for me. It’s not an action flick, and that’s a good thing.

      • Whatttttttttt i thought i was the sweetest? But since i am a regular then let me disagree. While you pour me a drink of course. On the other hand lets talk about James, son-of-a-bitch he is killing me! why won’t the heat just go away! One more thing old ass Duncan needs to retire. GO HEAT!!!

  4. This is hysterical and why I followed you. What a great overview of Hollywood writers! Love the Lohan line, “grounded teen age girl” and how the heroes always seem to outrun the explosions. Danny and I watched a Wahlberg film “Contraband” on PPV that was entertaining, but covered ALL of your points!

    Great one for the party today!

  5. Love your humor and your writing. Awesome post! Glad you shared the link on Susie’s blog.

  6. There’s a popular movie industry in south (which is not bollywood), and they often have stunts that defy all scientific norms & common sense. People find that entertaining, I call it tom & jerry played out live 🙂

  7. As always MUY awesome and muy funny. Yeah I wondered about Bruce Willis out running all those bombs in his Yipee Kai Yay movies. But I still watch them … my favorite “take an ass kicking and keep on ticking … great line 🙂 So glad you posted at the last party too, otherwise I would miss all this awesomeness. You should definitely be Freshly Pressed. Any others I should be reading?

  8. You know, its so funny that you have the MUY going on. Cause my son and I have this running joke, where everything is MUY. I love that word . . so very.
    Hey, the thankfulness goes right back atcha, cause your blog is dynamite squared. As for the any others? Thank you for giving me an idea, really. Starting next week, I’m going to start summer ‘re-runs’. Posts that come back for another licking so’s they can keep on ticking.
    Fresh pressed? That’s how I make up my Cuban sandwiches.

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