I’ve had Netflix long enough to get arrested. Officially. And not just any old local arrest where the crime is shooting squirrels with a rubber band gun or triple dipping on a double coupon. I’m talking the kind of arrest that gets the captain his own reality show and two dates with Kim Kardashian.
If you believe my Netflix account, I’m as dangerous as Bundy, Bin Laden and Big Macs. Never mind I don’t own a weapon, or that I haven’t used drugs since Madonna was alive. And never mind that the only time I would consider stealing is if I met Vera Farmiga in a bar after an ugly argument with her husband.
Never mind, because Netflix is profiling me out as a psychopath who enjoys long walks and sunsets for the murderous cover they provide. All because I scribbled in a few random genre preferences one night, and I sorta kinda leaned heavily on horror movies as my appointment television.
It seemed to be working, as the next visit to my Netflix category search provided a panoply of slasher flicks for me to choose from. But then things got weird.
The categories had multiplied. Horror and Scary had been joined by Cult Horror, Monsters, Satanic Stories, Slashers and Serial Killers, Teen Screams, Gory and Gory High School Slasher Movies.
I halfway expect to be greeted with Welcome Sicko! when I log into my account tonight. I have to wonder if they’ll be sending a house arrest ankle bracelet along with my DVD in the next cute red envelope.
I know how these things work. A federal sharpie gets his mitts on my profile, thanks to his girlfriend who works for Netflix and does random background checks to pass the time between online courses and Jersey Shore.
After running a real life background check of his own, he’ll obtain a warrant based on my spotless record since “It’s always the ones with the spotless records . . .”
And all the reasonable explanations in the world won’t save me from there. So let me try from here. I’ve included five recent Netflix selections and my reason for viewing them. Just a warning, if you read this part you might . . . just might, have to appear in court.
Frayed: Fray happens to be one of my favorite words. I was curious.
Jason X: When I learned this movie was set 500 years in the future after Jason comes out of a cryogenic locker, I thought for sure he was going to fight Walt Disney.
The Human Centipede: A deranged doctor wants to create a human centipede? And I’m going to re-read For Whom the Bell Tolls why?
Cabin Fever 2: I thought . . . How could they POSSIBLY top the first?
Trick ‘R Treat: Obviously, I’m a sucker for clever wordplay.
See? I’m really quite sane. And harmless. Despite what my ex-girlfriend from Miami says. I mean, what does she know about serial killers anyway? She watches Dexter.
Oh crap . . . so do I.