Because guys need marriage advice too . . .
Kim Kardashian is what you would call a high maintenance girlfriend. Nothing against her personally. She’s quite sweet and ultra successful. To her credit, she was never content to live off daddy’s trust fund. She’s her own girl. A very expensive girl is all I’m saying.
I figure a date with her would run you five hundred bucks. And I’m talking an eight minute speed date. If you’re looking to make an evening out of it, you better have compromising photographs of Bill Gates. And Warren Buffett.
Enter Kris Humphries. He’s a professional basketball player who is currently a free agent (no job yet). He made 3.2 million last year. And he’s crazy in love with Kim Kardashian. That’s called three strikes.
Kris has no idea what he’s gotten himself into, but I have a good idea what he’s talking himself out of. His money. When he popped the question to Kim on May 18 with a 2 million dollar diamond engagement ring, he’d already exhausted
sixty percent of his salary from last year.
Then Monaco happened.
They attended a fashion show at Le Meridien’s Amber Lounge where VIP tables go for upwards of 15,000 euros. And Kris is taking in the Grand Prix this weekend, where he’ll slap down a cool 20,000 more.
He’s spending upwards of 50 K (conservative estimate) in USD on just two events. Because we haven’t even gotten to the casinos and boutiques and Cristal joints in Monaco, where if they slum it, will set him back 25 grand a day. This is being exceedingly conservative, but who knows? Maybe Kim gets all Bohemian after watching Rachael Ray wing it on 40 bucks a day and tells Kris they should tone things down.
Yeah? I’d like you to meet Right.
Once they get back home, the deficit picks up steam. She’ll press Kris to buy the New Orleans Saints just so he can fire her ex boyfriend Reggie Bush.
With a girl like Kim, flowers won’t do. You start with Longwood Gardens. A box of candy? Puhleeze! You have to purchase a majority stake in the company and then name a candy bar after her. Devote a song to her? Try devoting a record label.
And then there’s a wedding to consider. Kim wants it to be Royal in nature. The translation being they’re going to kill more green than BP before all is said and done. Even if the Kardashians pay for all these trimmings, Kris still has processing fees that will undoubtedly run into the millions of dollars he thus far has not earned.
Kris could have lived the merry life of a bachelor on South Beach next year. Playing caddy to James and Wade and Bosh and winning titles while dating a hot little chica who would have been plenty fine with a weekly jaunt to Joe’s Stone Crab followed by a round of miniature golf. But nooooo. He had to marry the female equivalent of a high interest loan.
Which makes Prince William the smartest guy in the room. He married a middle class gal who bought her dress off the rack. And he didn’t spend a DIME on the engagement ring to boot! Diana didn’t raise no dummy.
As for Kris? The best he can hope for is to win Powerball and then get hit by lightning. Because, truth be told, he needs to win a couple hundred million and fast just to break even.
Alanis Morissette would sing Ironic at his funeral, Kim would introduce a men’s fragrance in his honor, and no one would ever have to know about the Red Sea he was swimming through with every credit card bill come due.
Money cannot buy that kind of love.