How a viral weiner could have lead to a nuclear winter

The embattled Congressman is stepping down, which is good. Because who knows what might have happened if he’d decided to stick it out . . .

Congressman Weiner’s phallic filibustering reaches Defcon One thanks to a beer summit, bad cell coverage and a pissing contest. Ironically, the official term used by the military for imminent war is “Cocked Pistol”.

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton puts in a phone call to President Obama to briefly brief him on the briefs. She waits until 3 am out of a sense of propriety, and well . . truthfully? It’s a power kick to be able to wake up the most powerful person in the world this side of Michelle Obama. The President answers the phone groggily, having just retired after an ill conceived beer summit with German Chancellor Merkel which ended at Waffle House.

“Sir, I apologize for the lateness of the hour,” Clinton giggles, “But I felt it was necessary to bring you up to speed on . . .”

“Whoa . . up to speed?” Obama replies.

“Yes . . sir. I felt it was . .”

“What the hell does that mean? Every time someone uses it on me I just nod and pretend I know what they’re talking about.” Obama barks.

“I borrowed the phrase from that Air Force One movie . . .” Hilary explains.

“Well, spare me the killer movie lines and . . . wait a minute, was that the flick where Harrison Ford played the President and got taken hostage by terrorists and then went all Chuck Norris on them?” Obama says.

“That would be the movie, sir.” Hilary replies.

“Ahh, I need me a little Air Force One right about now . . get all up in some terrorist’s business and show him the South Side. My poll numbers are more pathetic than Sarah Palin’s take on American history.”

“Sir, we have a situation.” Hilary says.

“If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that freaking word . . situation.” Obama complains.

“The dog is out of the doghouse.” Hilary informs him.

“Is this about Bill? Have you tried that invisible fence on him?”

“No sir. There are more Weiner pics.” Hilary says.

“Sonofabitch! This guy’s crotch is more prolific than Bill’s . . . sorry.”

“And sir? These pictures are full frontal.”

“Fandango?” Obama asks.

“Yes sir.”

“Didn’t this guy ever hear of cold showers?”

“It gets worse. Israel attacked him last night . . .”

Just as Clinton is about to explain Representative Steve Israel’s heated attack on Weiner which revealed prior knowledge on the part of several high level government officials as to Weiner’s wiener’s whereabouts, the line goes dead.

“Hello? Hilary?! . . . Hello!! . . . Fucking AT&T!”

Obama immediately puts in a call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who is in Italy rallying opposition to a Palestinian state and searching desperately for an Olive Garden.

“Benny, go.” Netanyahu answers.

“That’s how you answer the phone? Benny go? What are you, casting for a part in Entourage?” Obama replies.

“Barry, my man. How’s it hanging?” Netanyahu says.

“You know damn well how it’s hanging. You’re the one who ordered the attack!” Obama says angrily.

“Hold up, attack? I haven’t attacked anyone since breakfast. You wouldn’t believe this waiter. I asked for a bialy and he brings me biscotti. Can you believe that?” Netanyahu says.

“You ordered an attack last night and I want to know why.” Obama says.

“You and me both. Listen bubala, I’m not appreciating your tone.” Netanyahu says.

“An attack on one of us is an attack on all of us,” Obama replies.

“Let me tell you something . .  wait, that line’s familiar . . .” Netanyahu says.

“It’s from Spiderman.” Obama replies.

“I loooove that flick. Funny story, I actually had my guys work up one of those hoverboards like the one the Green Goblin flew around in? Damn thing wouldn’t fly! I use it as a coffee table.” Netanyahu laughs.

“I am afraid the American people will be expecting a response to this senseless act of agression.” Obama says.

“Well I have no frigging idea what you’re talking about but if you want to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, then I can most certainly break out my dancing shoes . . .” Netanyahu says.

Batman with Michael Keaton,” Obama says.

“Damn straight Mr. President.”

“It’s go time!”


2 thoughts on “How a viral weiner could have lead to a nuclear winter

  1. It’s all about throwing myself into the character. I imagine in his private life that Obama would sound very much like a cross between Dave Chapelle and Bill Cosby.

    And duly noted on the “Sunflower Margarita” background color. Back to basics for me.

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