i Pledge Allegiance to Apple . . Just in Case

Since I started this blog I’ve ranted about the inherent evils of the technological cathedrals and their effect on the unwashed masses. But really, it was more stream of consciousness working in synch with one too many vodka martinis. And I never actually used the term ‘evil’ to describe the technology creep.

Sinister? Sure. Orwellian? Okay. The end of the world as we knew it? Fine.

I have indeed posted about my technological allergies, but doing so was simply an admission of guilt on my part. I ranted about Watson’s domination of Jeopardy mostly because I was jealous he got to meet Alex Trebek. And I made light of technology’s best uses with a trick link which more than served its purpose when Petal Pusher clicked on it.

It was nothing personal. I have nothing against technology or its dark master, Steve Jobs.

Jobs is the other most powerful man in the free world. Before you banish me to the hyperbolic chamber, consider the numbers coming out of the Treasury Department. As it happens, Apple has more loose change in the sofa cushions than our federal government. The company has more floatable assets than a pool party at the Playboy Mansion. You’re running a successful business if Jobs just bought you.

This multi-faceted multi-national corporation would be banned from competition if technology were a sport, simply because of the unbelievable numbers it puts up. You get the feeling Apple Inc. could enter into litigation with God for defamation of character and win a cash settlement. Which it would probably use to buy an upstart with upside for a couple nickels. Yanno, some cute as a button prospect like Netflix.

I don’t feel like messing with muscles like that. Big technology has plenty of eyes and ears to go along with their ripped apps. These coagulant agents are better known as minions. Those guys scare the shit out of me, and tech minions happen to be the worst. Unlike Scientologists, they don’t steal you away for reprogramming in the middle of the night in a black Ford Econoline. Nope, they come for you in broad daylight, driving a Prius and insisting you come with them for a technological summative and promising a venti mocha killa chilla to tide you over. Don’t fall for it. Starbucks doesn’t make any such drink.

I’d rather just fall into line. Buy an i-everything and write in Steve Jobs for President next year. I’ll vote for him based on his business acumen, his vision, his ability to mobilize and his name- Jobs. With an unemployment rate of 9.2 percent, that last one is reason enough for me.

Casting a vote based solely on fear and loathing ain’t unique. Republicans do it all the time.

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