Well, don’t worry. This isn’t 12 Monkeys you’ve tuned into and I’m not Brad Pitt. But this is some tongue in cheek loose change on what those muscled suits are serving up daily as diner food.
So I’m stealing back the news. Okay, just sorta.
Jerry Lewis fired by MDA – All he does over the last forty years is raise more than 2 billion dollars for MDA, and this is the thanks he gets? A pink slip? And if he can be fired, then really, nobody is safe.
USPS is broke!- Now they know how we feel every time we need to take out a small loan to buy a stamp. Hey! They should call up Jerry Lewis and get him to host a telethon now that he’s a free agent.
Is Peyton Manning’s career over?- The future Hall of Famer may need more neck surgery, which is the worst football news to beset Indiana since Notre Dame decided to stop winning big games.
Regis is ready to retire, Rosie is ready to come back- The worst trade since the Mets sent Nolan Ryan to California for a case of cheap wine.
Sarah Palin announces that she has nothing to announce-She also criticized her critics and nullified the naysayers. Later, she asked for the definition of lambaste just to see if she could use it in a sentence.
All My Children nears its end- All I know about Children is that Susan Lucci was killed off twelve different times, was married forty six times, kidnapped eight times, slept with everyone in town at least twice, regretted the fact at least once . . and never, ever finished a cup of coffee in a scene.
Black Widow polishes off 183 wings in 12 minutes– The good news is Sonya Thomas won $1,500 dollars. The bad news is she accomplished the feat at Applebees, so she still owes $1,200 on her tab.
Eddie Murphy to host Oscars?- I would have been really excited about this. In 1983.
Satellite spots Burning Man Festival- Either that, or they happened to pick up the goings on at Charlie Sheen’s crib.
Giant Croc Caught In Philippines- The massive creature was captured– alive mind you- in a creek. It weighed in at more than 2,300 lbs and had to be fork lifted into a truck. Wait until they find out it was Stephen Segal.
Fuel prices on the rise with tropical weather- To borrow from Michael Scott of The Office? . . . That’s what she said!