Till death do us part . . contractually speaking

On average, one in four first marriages end in divorce. And it climbs for the second and third time around which is why I quit while I was behind.

These depressing numbers got me thinking, which is usually a dangerous thing. Cause I came up with a literal marriage contract. I just figured that rather than looking down the barrel of a life time deal, couples can enter into marriages of a specified length of time. Like they do in sports, without the sideline reporters or curiously luxurious pre-game buffets.

Speaking of which, I’m going to go menu on this nuptial order and give out four specific choices, plus the traditional. Which is four more than most cable companies are handing out these days. And if you find this post to be offensive, please feel free to send your hate mail to Tom Cruise.

Why contracts? Cause they come with a price tag. If either party breaks said contract, they pay. Big time. And those monies go into the pot for improving our infrastructure by subjecting mini van drivers to weekly driving tests. In addition . . . condoms, to be given out free of charge to high schools across the nation- Just in case Project Abstinence runs into any hormonally enhanced loopholes. And while we’re at it, why not put a bounty on that tattle tale terrorist- Anthony Bourdain?

Okay, here’s the menu.

1 Year Contract– In baseball, this is called a flyer. It’s a long shot, a gamble. The worst case scenario is you just wasted a year of your life. On the upside, you’ll know what it feels like to be a cast member on most sitcoms.

2 Year Contract- This would appeal to professionals, people on the go. Granted, twenty four months is like twenty four years to these folks. But that’s the point. It should still be a commitment. And for this set, their careers will keep them busy enough to navigate the worst of unions for at least that long.

3 Year Contract- You just bought a house and the two of you are in deeper with the bank who just signed off on it than with each other? And you’re just NOW getting around to the whole marriage thing? Easy ’nuff. Just elope with the money you don’t have, after which the two of you can work more side jobs than a freelance hit man. And at the end of three years worth of pain and suffering together financially, you’ll have a good idea as to what your partner is all about.

5 Year Contract- For people who take the “till death do us part” vows seriously, but not literally. They can rest assured that it will be years before they need concern themselves with renegotiating the contract. By the time year four hits, their respective lawyers can send out feelers as to future union.

Lifetime Contracts– To those of you fool enough to believe in forever after? Never let your other half forget just how lucky they make you feel. What . . . you thought I was gonna bull rush on romance? Not a chance. As far as Anthony Bourdain is concerned though, the offer still stands . . .


6 thoughts on “Till death do us part . . contractually speaking

  1. I, like many sports folk, didn’t listen to my agent and signed a 10 year contract with various riders that I never bothered to read. But, in my lawyer’s words,
    “you know why divorce is expensive? ‘Cause it’s worth it”.

  2. JB- Nice line. And I can relate to those cranky little riders. I think Morrison tried to warn us about ’em once upon a time . . .

    Movie Man- I don’t know if it’s a plan at all. But hey, it can’t be any worse than the current system of doing things. And as Bill Cosby once opined, maybe we’ll learn something along the way.

  3. It’s weird how often I’ve seen this statistic come up lately. Maybe, I’m just paying more attention after I noticed it the first time? Dah well..I think there should be an age limit on marriage also. That would probably help statistics. 🙂

  4. Sara- An age window? . . .Hmmm.

    Petal- Well, it was like this. Vera had her career. Maybe after she wins the Oscar, there will be a place for us again. I just have to find a reasonably priced hit man for Mr Farmiga. I’ll check Craigslist.

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