What Is A Dirty Dick Alcoholic Drink?

I found this brilliant query under my Search Engine Terms, so don’t blame me for the unfortunate header. Blame the unemployment rate, ring dings, Budweiser, crack, a broken home, Jerry Springer and the Boston Red Sox September implosion. I’m not saying this genius came from New England but I can’t prove otherwise.

Never mind that. This post is about something near and dear to my heart. Smoking. I play this Michael Corleone line way too literally, I’m aware. But since I don’t want you turning the dial in search of a dirty dick, here’s the recipe I Googled. It turns out there are six million dirty dicks on Google, so I went with the one Jennifer Aniston HASN’T fallen in love with.

Dirty Dick

-1 oz Bailey’s Irish Cream
-1 oz Bourbon
-Splash on some Kahlua (Which to my preference would measure about, oh, half a bottle)
-1/2 oz Schnapps, Root Beer

Add ice and enjoy! And if you’re a smoker, have one for me? It’s not like you can’t spare the 11 minutes you’re shaving off your epilogue- which is the time you’re giving away with every cigarette you smoke. This math is very confusing since by my estimation, I should have died with disco. Strange since I was a non-smoking middle schooler at the time.

Seven days in, or is that out? Not sure. It’s been seven days and I’m more agitated than a dirty pair of jeans in a Maytag scrum. I’m more pissed than God was at himself for making Snooki. I’m jumpier than Hunter Thompson on the final approach into Vegas. It’s bad.

My girlfriend is putting her best (non-smoker) spin on the situation. She says if Superman were a smoker, he sure as hell wouldn’t be circling the earth in the time it takes to eat a bologna sandwich. Which is a great point. A pack a day habit and he’d be lucky if he could circle the block in his BMW while looking for a parking space. Not to mention, his dry cleaning bill would be outrageous. My dry cleaner has a kanipshin whenever I bring in lace or wool. I can’t imagine what she’d say about a steel suit.

Girlfriend could have quit there, but since she’s a non-smoker, she didn’t have to . . .

“Why don’t you take the money you would’ve spent on cigarettes and stash it away?”

Nice try but the fact of the matter is I have no money to stash away since I quit. I’ve invested even MORE money in mints, food and coffee than I would’ve put into my smoking regimen. It turns out, I was saving money by smoking. Sure I was cutting my life short, but technically, that could be considered a savings as well.

Since I began this post in non-smoking, I’ll end it that way with some advice for the next celeb who’s busy honing a Hank Williams moment into early retirement. If you’re going to compare ANYONE to Hitler, make sure it’s your mother in law.


4 thoughts on “What Is A Dirty Dick Alcoholic Drink?

  1. Alcohol, bocephus, smoking-sounds like a party to me. Good luck on the quitting of the smoking and never under any circumstances ask a non smoker for advice they just don’t understand.

  2. She does mean well, so there’s that.

    And by the way . . . I had to look up bocephus. I had no idea that was another one of Hank’s handles. It sounded like a really cool drug.

    Mmmmmm, I could really go for some bocephus right about now . . .

  3. Giving up the demon Ol’ Nic – -tricky-

    I realised we fall into four categories.

    1 ‘Non smokers’ who don’t smoke – – – – a trouble free existence

    2 ‘Non smokers’ who don’t smoke – – – – a trouble free existence with the added benefit of being able to enjoy the odd cigarette

    3 ‘Smokers’ who smoke – – – – broke, smelly and dying

    4 ‘Non smokers’ who don’t smoke – – that’s me and you, buddy —- if I tried to have the odd cigarette- which I still miss after twenty years of not smoking – I’d find myself smoking 40 Gitanes the following day – – that was the level of my addiction. but stick at it .. .you know it makes sense . . . . .
    Best of luck!!

  4. It makes all the sense in the world. I’m feeling better on my walks and runs, if not my drinks. Which is why I’ve been teetotaler as of late. It’s my trigger, which has made me quite the unsociable SOB. Not that it was a reach for me, mind you.

    Thank goodness for the fact coffee doesn’t push at me that way, because I’ve been leaning on the good bean heavily. Not to mention mints, licorice and meditation.

    I almost forget how many days . . . 16.

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