Match can light a fire, but their writing? That’ll burn it to the ground . . .

If dating services were a religion, it would make the Crusades resemble a 5-K run. Romantically speaking, their reach is surpassed only by penis pills and breast enhancement.  The Kool-Aid these Matchmakers are doling out is a potent combination of desperation, guilt and hotcakes. And business is good because nothing sells faster than hotcakes with a heaping helping of guilt and desperation, especially when they’re served up the morning after a hot date sleepover.

Once upon a time I tried my hand at Match.com with an earnest, if not completely naive strategy. Meet women from outside of my immediate area whom I would never run across in the produce section of my local market. I figured since I wasn’t a person of interest in a homicide investigation, why not? Well, the experience taught me a valuable lesson. Gas is expensive.

Not to be flip about things, I really don’t have a bad thing to say about the actual service. It gives you what you’re looking for and it spares you the e-Harmonized commandments which run antithetical to a meat market full of sub-primers. Alas, as often happens with a powerful brand, the Matchologists found God complex somewhere in the midsection of 2K. This is when a power broker in one field of specialty decides to branch into areas which do not concern them in the least.

Match.com Now Serving Romantic Advice!- Maybe it was a collective mid-life crisis on the company’s part- the realization that their virtual existence was wholly reliant on that most scientific of chemical reactions: Pure Luck. They decided to lay their tentacles into the X’s and O’s of love instead of sticking to the sidelines and collecting big. And the writing? It’s worse than trash lit because it purports to be true stuff and worse- useable stuff.

Here are a few examples of romantic advice doled out by Matchologists.

1- Let the right one get away- Yeah, watch The Way we Were and get back to me on this one.

2-Staying home on Saturday night is defeat- There’s no agony to pizza, Sam Adams and Inglorious Basterds.

3- Go to bed angry- Always cost me a bundle. 

4- Date outside of your ‘type’-
Only works if you’re away on business.

5- Try a long distance relationship on for size– Slitting your wrists with a chainsaw is more efficient and less painful.

Love is a completely random sequence of events that needs not a bit of help from the technological cathedrals in order to close the deal. Love is making a right turn when you should’ve gone left. It’s showing up five minutes late to a bookstore to meet friends and bumping into the girl of your dreams on your way inside. It’s a random complexity that no amount of MIT can spell into forever.

Match should stick to believing it matters that much. But they should cease and desist on the sub-par advice columns. The fastest way from Harry to Sally is and always will be up to them.

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4 thoughts on “Match can light a fire, but their writing? That’ll burn it to the ground . . .

  1. Must confess, my wife and I met on a site, then for a beer. I still shake my head. It was magic from the very first moment. By second meeting it was sealed. We were married five months later, eight years ago now. Why? How? Who knows? But ain’t life a gift?

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