If I was an actor, I’d change my name to Oscar Winner

I love picking Oscar winners more than I love watching the show.

The way I look at it,  if I’m going to be stuck watching TV for six hours, the Yankees and Red Sox better be involved. And so I passed on watching it live and decided to play catch up tonight on the internet. Hmmm . . .  THIS is what it feels like to be Mitt Romney’s campaign manager!

Did you think about that whole Oscar Winner thing? I mean, your phone has got to blow up with job offers if you’re toting around a name like that, right?

I have some awards to give out since my dinner’s not ready yet . . .

Award for Best Restraint on Red Carpet– Goes to Ryan Seacrest. He kept it together when most of us would’ve delivered Sacha Baron Cohen to the ground with a right hook for his ashes to asses move. It was a bullshit comedy routine by Cohen. You don’t mess with another man’s threads, especially a man whose job it is to stand next to the most primped and propped peeps in the biz.

The Best Reason to do another Oceans flick- Goes to George Clooney. Man, I thought he deserved the Oscar for his turn in The Descendants. Especially since I picked him to win it.

Best Way to pick Best Movie Award- Goes to me. I went with The Artist because my girlfriend wouldn’t stop raving about how good it was. Of course, it won. A silent movie won. There’s hope for Nicholas Cage yet.

Best Performance by an actress who wasn’t up for an award- Goes to Angelina Jolie. What would Batman and Robin say? Let’s find out . . .

Robin: Holy Versace Batman! How will we overcome that thigh?

Batman: We can’t . . overcome it, Robin. We’ll just climb, and hope for the best.

Best performance by an actress who WAS up for an award but didn’t win one but it didn’t matter because she looked so beautiful- Goes to Jessica Chastain. She is a beautiful, fresh and stylish actress. So please God . . keep Jim Carrey away from her.

Best Impersonation of Burl Ives- Goes to Nick Nolte. If this is what drinking does to a man, I’m switching to Snapple.

Best Performance by a Supporting Actor- Went to Christopher Plummer. I got him right! That’s what I love about picking the Oscars. I don’t have to see the movies in order to make my picks. In fact, it makes it more fun if I have no blessed idea. Sort of like March Madness, only worth the time.

Best Moment that didn’t happen but could have– If Meryl Streep would’ve gotten any of that pancake mix from Cohen’s unfunny “Dictator” bit on her dress . . and knocked his ass OUT. Instead, she just picked up another Oscar.

And last but least, my review of Best Picture winner The Artist.








4 thoughts on “If I was an actor, I’d change my name to Oscar Winner

  1. I picked The Artist because I thought it was the best movie nominated. I know. I’m horrible. Chastain is amazing in everything she’s in. Especially the Oscars and The Tree of Life.

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