I decided to join Twitter.
Perhaps it was out of some unspoken desire to scream in miniature. Maybe it was because I feel that brevity IS Godliness and Twitter has finally presented me with the platform I’ve been dreaming of. Then again, maybe I just had nothing better to do and five minutes worth of time to do it in.
Twitter is where non-sequiturs go to die; quickly and exponentially. Imagine a place where everyone speaks in bumper sticker . . where greeting cards seem verbose . . where you get all the news that’s print in fits . . where Ashton Kutcher is Tolstoy.
The micro-blogging blue bird bingo set is allowed up to 140 characters with which to wax metaphysical. Woody Allen movies contain more characters than that. In fact, if this were a Tweet
(Sorry, that was Twitter humor.)
Twitter Quick Quiz: What do these statements have in common?
The comedian Jim Gafigan was once in the witness protection program for making fun of PETA . . Adam Richman is secretly a vegetarian . . Chelsea Peretti once dated Jose Canseco without his knowledge . .Kim Kardashian goes to church . .
If you said they were all ridiculous, give yourself a point. If you said they were all false excepting for Kim Kardashian going to church, you’re on Twitter.
I’m tallying a grand total of 3 followers on Twitter. A guy named Rob who is into gadgets, the witty wordsmith Simone Benedict (to whom I owe the inspiration for this post), and someone named Inge. I don’t think Inge is a real person, but I’m leaving it be since three followers is, like, way more impressive. Than two.
Presently, Twitter is a weekend indulgence for me. There’s only so much Chad Ochocinco knowledge I can digest before a lobotomy needs to happen. Once I get cracking though, Lady Gaga best watch out.
Well, if I had twenty million years maybe. Because that’s how many followers the Empress of Excess is toting around. Wow, Twitter has discovered a way in which Lady 2G can leave even less to the imagination. That’s pretty Machiavellian of ’em, don’t ya think?
Eh, it’s all good. Considering as how the White House is only half as popular as Lady G Sport (they have 10 million followers). Good going on that whole priority thing, America. In fact, the only time the White House gets any real buzz on its Twitter page is when it decides to “Rick Roll” its followers.
If you’re not familiar with this Rick Roll business (I wasn’t), it’s pretty simple (stupid) actually. You provide a teaser in the form of a link and when the person clicks on it, they are ambushed with the Rick Astley musical embolism, “Never Gonna Give You Up”. The White House twitter page blew up thanks to this stunt. Which begs the question, how can Syria top that?
The only reason I’m leaving my Twitter page here is ’cause I trust the good people who follow this blog not to make fun of me. I’m new to this whole Twitter thing, but I’m learning.