Registering to vote . . the gift that keeps on taking

Yanno, I’m an upstanding citizen . . .

I’m fairly well versed in my American history . . .I don’t swear in public, all that much . . . I don’t affix bumper stickers to the back of my ride because I realize it’s a hazard to other motorists . . . I watch the State of the Union unless there’s a big game on . . . I found Rocky IV to be vastly underrated . . . Unlike Ozzie Guillen, I possess no love for Fidel Castro . . . I like Ray Charles’ rendition of America the Beautiful just fine . . . I recycle.

I practice a fair amount of due diligence as an American citizen is what I’m saying. And all I ask in return is to be left out of this jury duty business, at least until I’m dead.

No matter, I was chosen anyway.

So I get to perform my civic duty by getting up with the farmers tomorrow morning, boarding an Eastbound Amtrak train for the hour and fifteen minute trek to the federal courthouse in Philadelphia. I’m making a federal case of this because I was tabbed for a federal case. Never mind that I’m five minutes from a local courthouse. As if a reminder was needed as to the brutal inefficiency of the system.

Jury duty shouldn’t feel like a federally mandated endoscopy.

The only way out of this would require me to commit a crime. Sadly, doing so would prove to be less of a hassle than having to show up for jury duty. I’d get three meals, lodging and transportation, FOC. As it is, I am promised reimbursement for most of the cost of this expedition. Yeah, I’ll be sure to check my mailbox on the 12th day of Never.

Hey, I’ve learned it’s always better to imagine the worst, so I’m going to imagine Hannibal Lecter ripping my face off. That’s ballpark, I’m guessing.

What to do about my interview?

Should I wear those funny glasses with the bulging eyes?  . . . Or maybe I can tote a seeing eye purse dog along . . . I can answer every question with quotes from The Big Lebowski . . . A Big Gulp and a yard’s worth of beef jerky . . . Inform them that I am changing my name to Lance Ito . . . In the event of a capital trial, let them know I favor the death penalty for the defendant AND his lawyers

No wait! I’ve got it. When asked if there is any reason why I should be excluded from sitting on a jury, I’ll borrow me some Johnny Cash and reply that “I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.”

Eh, what’s the use?  They’d just make me the foreman.

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10 thoughts on “Registering to vote . . the gift that keeps on taking

  1. I had to do Jury Duty a long time ago and loved it! One of our cases was drunk driving and we held out for 3-4 days trying to get a majority. Finally, we found him not guilty. I hope he didn’t go back on the road drunk and kill someone….

  2. Go with “How can I be impartial? Look at him.He looks guilty. He smells guilty. I have it on good authority he uses a garlic press. That man is the antichrist. Oh, and are you really naked under those robes, your honor?”
    Yeah, that’ll get you off…

  3. Oh gosh, Cayman! I am SORRY. Your post made my day though for my first laugh today. Love the Cash quote idea and the video you found is great. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you get dismissed. That’s a crazy commute for jury duty!

    • Simone, your fingers worked some magic, tell you what. The commute was my entire problem with this deal. The kids had to stay with mom, the cat was getting ready to disown me. A protracted affair would’ve been ugly.

  4. woah! What a cool compilation and I must say Lee Cobb (Juror #3) was awesome! What else did he do? May have to watch this one…I admit it, I haven’t yet.

    As for jury duty…You can volunteer for a root canal and they will gladly let you out of duty. Yep, I did it…better than the courthouse I say.

    Cheers Cayman and write your Congressman for a rapid reimbursement…

    • Joanna, you’re right on. Lee Cobb was some cool shit. He’s been in a bunch of stuff that I haven’t seen but really should. And root canal, hells yeah! As for my Congressman? I was planning on sending him a postcard with “I know what you did last weekend” written in lipstick. That would’ve covered me.

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