Yanno, I’m an upstanding citizen . . .
I’m fairly well versed in my American history . . .I don’t swear in public, all that much . . . I don’t affix bumper stickers to the back of my ride because I realize it’s a hazard to other motorists . . . I watch the State of the Union unless there’s a big game on . . . I found Rocky IV to be vastly underrated . . . Unlike Ozzie Guillen, I possess no love for Fidel Castro . . . I like Ray Charles’ rendition of America the Beautiful just fine . . . I recycle.
I practice a fair amount of due diligence as an American citizen is what I’m saying. And all I ask in return is to be left out of this jury duty business, at least until I’m dead.
No matter, I was chosen anyway.
So I get to perform my civic duty by getting up with the farmers tomorrow morning, boarding an Eastbound Amtrak train for the hour and fifteen minute trek to the federal courthouse in Philadelphia. I’m making a federal case of this because I was tabbed for a federal case. Never mind that I’m five minutes from a local courthouse. As if a reminder was needed as to the brutal inefficiency of the system.
Jury duty shouldn’t feel like a federally mandated endoscopy.
The only way out of this would require me to commit a crime. Sadly, doing so would prove to be less of a hassle than having to show up for jury duty. I’d get three meals, lodging and transportation, FOC. As it is, I am promised reimbursement for most of the cost of this expedition. Yeah, I’ll be sure to check my mailbox on the 12th day of Never.
Hey, I’ve learned it’s always better to imagine the worst, so I’m going to imagine Hannibal Lecter ripping my face off. That’s ballpark, I’m guessing.
What to do about my interview?
Should I wear those funny glasses with the bulging eyes? . . . Or maybe I can tote a seeing eye purse dog along . . . I can answer every question with quotes from The Big Lebowski . . . A Big Gulp and a yard’s worth of beef jerky . . . Inform them that I am changing my name to Lance Ito . . . In the event of a capital trial, let them know I favor the death penalty for the defendant AND his lawyers
No wait! I’ve got it. When asked if there is any reason why I should be excluded from sitting on a jury, I’ll borrow me some Johnny Cash and reply that “I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.”
Eh, what’s the use? They’d just make me the foreman.