Television isn’t a vast wasteland, it’s a densely populated junkyard

The following takes place between 7:14 pm and when I nodded off on the couch . . .

7:14- My Tyler Perry-less streak is over. There I was last night, having changed into my ‘jams on a mission of chill. And there I went, searching for a Seinfeld re-run and finding For Better or Worse– a Tyler Perry joint. I was transfixed as Angela went off on Marcus and trashed his wardrobe. Then she torched his ride and I’m like . .  Girl . . oh no you di-in’t! And Marcus is all uh uh, and Angela is like mmm hmm. And I’m like daayuuummm!

8:00- I tune into the ESPY’s. I know, I know . . book Friday nights with me and you’re going five hundred miles an hour on the crazy train! Anyway, this is the first time I’ve paid serious attention to the awards show since Bill Clinton was playing his sax in the Velvet Room at the White House. Rob Riggle was hilarious; he was funnier than Chris Berman trying to be serious. And that Brittney Griner? Not for nothing, but the Miami Heat should have her on speed dial.

Revelation I should probably be just a ‘lil ashamed about, but ain’t . . .

Until last night? I thought Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba were the same person.

8:52- Tune into Christine. I think Stephen King wrote this to embarrass all the other horror writers. He was like, You know what? I’m gonna write about a Plymouth Fury . . that is a serial killer. And people are going to be scared shit, because I’m Stephen Fucking King. I come in where some dude is trying to escape Christine’s clutches . . by running in the middle of the road. No spoiler alert forthcoming.

9:04- Anthony Robbins is on QVC selling the “Ultimate Edge Personal Achievement System”, and I’m interested. Hey, I’m channel surfing on a Friday night, why wouldn’t I be interested? Then I check out the price- $240- and I’m not so interested. I consider prank calling but think better of it. Pranking Anthony Robbins on Friday the 13th is scarier than Chris Berman doing Christine on Broadway.

9:16- After grabbing my chips and a frosty one, I head for TeleMundo and some Corazon Valiente. What?! Samantha and Willy are . .  related? I grab another frosty one.

9:35- America’s Dumbest Daredevils features a ghost rider at Number 7. I’m thinking, how can there possibly be six people dumber than this? After which an Ohio State Buckeyes fan jumps into a pool of crap to win game tickets, and then a guy lights himself on fire before riding his bike onto a pile of mattresses. Yep, looks like clear sailing for China . . .

9:41- Cujo makes sense because he’s a rabid St. Bernard, not a car . . .

9:46- Emily Deschanel makes picking at Bones look so damned sexy.

9:54- Back to Corazon. There aren’t enough frosty ones for this Samantha and Willy situation . . . Que lastima.


23 thoughts on “Television isn’t a vast wasteland, it’s a densely populated junkyard

  1. haahahahaha..and yet it is a junkyard we keep revisiting..I innocently sit in front of the sofa..2 hours later I realise all the crap I can’t stop watching..haha..nice one!!

  2. Love hearing from the UK, gotta say. I try my best to stay away, because when I indulge, the results ain’t pretty. But it’s just so addictive! Thanks for stopping by…

  3. In my house it seems like the hubby is always flipping back and forth between some sort of sport, there is always something on there.

    Given the chance to flip around myself I see that there isn’t much on TV lately that gets and keeps my attention but I must admit that I do love to watch Bones!

    • Emily,
      I totally agree. Bones is a very fun show. I have it on my Netflix Que and check it out from time to time. It’s got plenty of back in the day style to go along with the modern sensibilities.

    • Deadeye Madam,
      I have cable temporarily, as I worked out a deal with my cable carrier, after which I will cancel again. When I spend a night watching TV, I feel seriously guilty that I’m not writing something, anything.

  4. How “related” are they???????????? Looks like some “good, ‘clean,’ fun!” Do you speak Spanish or add the subtitles?
    What a night.
    Danny and I watched “Friends with Kids” on PPV. It was really good!

    • Colorado,
      According to their Darth Vader dad, they’re like . . brother and sister. I speak enough Spanish to make things fun. The novellas kick ass. I used to watch Corazon Salvaje with mi abuelita back in the day. Completely over the top plot lines replete with ridiculously dramatic music. What is NOT to love about that?

    • I was thinking or renting Friends with Kids…thanks for the rec…will be on this weekend’s movie night…although I might sneak off and watch Magic Mike ha ha

  5. I know all about Corazon Valiente…my mom and aunt watch that along with Abismo de Pasion and some other corny title. It’s too funny. I really needed a laugh and you sure made it happen. Corazon Salvaje ha!!! you crack me up that was way back in the day and yeah my mom and aunt saw that one too 🙂 Good post. LOVE LOVE LOVE your title.

    • Guat, I loves me a good novella. Over the top acting and impossible to believe plots. It’s such a nice change of pace from umm . . . American . . . television.
      Never mind.

  6. (five hundred miles an hour on the crazy train!) Oh Yea I am sending you the hospital bill, I think I just cracked a rib laughing. C’mon man Biel is the HOT one. I want one of these daily from you. sleeping by ten? what are you like 100! Que lastima.

    • Pete- Biel IS the hot one, you’re right. I got it now, promise. It’s not like I’m hitting the sack at ten EVERY night . . I’ve still got a lot of young pup in m . . . zzzz . . .zzzzz . . zzzz . .

  7. My dearest virtual drinking friend– you have excelled yourself! with this post you have achieved a level of incomprehensibilty (which is, of course, based on pur cultural differences) of which I was incapable of imagining COUPLED with an acerbic delivery which I find hard to resist– 12 out of 10 ! 🙂

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