These days, most news is of the junk food variety, thanks to the whorish vagabond of technology’s fuck me pumps. So I’ve cut away the gummed up chaff and gone straight to the wheaty rub.
Jennifer Lopez won’t rule out getting married again- And that ain’t helping.
The banality of Bain vs Bane– As usual, Rush Limbaugh is chasing the wrong lead. His contention that people will confuse Bain Capital with Dark Knight arch-villain Bane is ridiculous. Besides, the real story is Romney’s old partner back in the ’80s . . .
New i-Phone will sport slimmer screen- The obsession with body image continues.
HSBC accused of money laundering– The second largest financial institution in the world was in bed with rogue nations and drug cartels. Who the hell do they think they are? Congress?!
With trade deadline looming, Cubs look to future- For the 104th straight season.
Nazi plot to kill Churchill- By slipping explosives inside a box of chocolates. Now we know how “Death by Chocolate” got its name.
Linsanity Moves to Houston- 25 mil for a 26 game sample size is good work, if you can find it.
Florida proposes genetically Modified Mosquitoes– Cause yanno . . what’s the worst that could happen?
N. Korea Leader Kim Jong Un Attains Highest Military Rank- It’s like beating yourself in a pissing contest, isn’t it?
700,000 Olympic tickets still up for grabs- Pay your arm up front and you can put your leg on layaway!
Obesity Pill Gets FDA Approval- The FDA is sorta like the Counter Terrorism Unit HQ in 24. Every manner of shit can get in the door.
Toy Story 4 in the Works?- Lemme guess, Woody hosts a morning show. Think about it . . .
Snooki won’t be having a Natural birth- No. Shit.
Chick-fil-A President condemns gay marriage- “I’ll have the Deluxe. Extra pickles and tomatoes, hold the proselytizing.”
Unprovoked shark attacks spark debate over controlling shark population- Funny, how we carve up their ocean , change their migratory habits, and then call it ‘unprovoked’, huh?
Titanic II– Chart a course for the Caribbean. Just saying.