Kiss My Asterisk! (*)

As sporting colloquialisms go, the asterisk is our Next Gen Scarlet Letter.

Its modern day meaning is synonymous with the taint of baseball’s steroid era, where a who’s who of the sport’s royalty came under suspicion for impersonating the Hulk on the 405 at rush hour.

Football fans outside of New England argue that the Patriots three Super Bowl titles should carry an asterisk after Spygate came to light back in 2007.

In the NBA, LeBron and the Heat will feel the pressure to repeat since many of their detractors argue there should be an asterisk next to their title since it was captured in a 66 game season.

And in hockey . . . well, their television ratings are one great big asterisk.

Thank God (And the Queen) for our British counterparts, who regard the asterisk as a positive result in cricket.

The fact remains, sports and asterisks ain’t getting along so well lately. It made me wonder what would happen if we affixed that cranky little star to other stuff. So I did just that. And I happen to think the results are brilliant (*).

*Applebee’s “Two for Twenty”- Allows you to share an appetizer with a friend. That might play in Europe, but this is America. Share with yourself.

*The Outlaw Charlie Sheen- Yes, he’s a wild man. He owns every term ending in -ic. He probably will never die because Satan doesn’t want to deal with a runoff election. We get all that. And it’s enough. Listen, there have been wild men inside of every age. He’s just the latest bookend from Richard Harris to Justin Bieber’s kid.

*Results May Vary- Sometimes its the microscopic fine print on a product, and sometimes its simply implied. Take, for instance, men’s cologne models. The only way Acqua Digio is gonna make you as sexy as this guy is if you ARE this guy. As far as I’m concerned, the models for men’s fragrances should be huge, hairy slobs. That way, when you splash on their cologne, you instantly feel hotter than the guy modeling it.

*Free Movies On Demand- After you fork over $125 a month to your cable carrier. And most of the free flicks are akin to cinematic water boarding.

*Miller Lite’s Punch Top Can- From the same guys who brought you the Vortex Bottle and the Taste Protector Cap.

*”Breaking News”- Remember when those words kept you glued to your chair? Well, I hate to “break” the news to ya but the term’s become more watered down than the suds that come inside that Punch Top Can.

*This Photograph of Snookie’s Baby Beverage of Choice– I find it hard to believe Snookie is drinking Pepsi.


31 thoughts on “Kiss My Asterisk! (*)

    • Pete- My girlfriend actually referred to me as Cayman while we were, ahem, involved in some horizontal calisthenics the other night. If this continues, I might have to challenge Cayman to a fist fight- a la Ed Norton in “Fight Club”.

        • Pete,
          Actually, I AM in training for Rio. But it’s not the games I’m fixing on. It’s the nightlife. I mean, why waste a week at the Olympics by going to sporting events? As for Bourne, I’m gonna have to check it out. Thanks.

    • Guat- You know it’s true. I don’t mind sharing appetizers when there are a couple different choices sitting there, or if I’m nursing a well done Martini with bleu cheese stuffed olives. But the truth is, I haven’t shared ONE app since my first date with girlfriend. Thankfully, that turned out to be the lowlight of our evening for me.

  1. Sadly,I can believe Snooki regularly drinks Drano. Pepsi isn’t that far a leap.^

    ^This crass comment provided by someone who doesn’t really care about Snooki…

  2. Love this, my *friend! (Sorry, I AM a friend of Mr. Thorn although we’ve never met. We’ve never watched a game, gone fishing, had a BBQ, or done anything else together). But, I *like the guy!

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