What If God Was None Of Us?

I made the mistake of having a conversation about science and God with an atheist. It was about as pointless as a Michael Richards pratfall on the LA comedy club scene.

See, I believe in the Big Guy. I’m the accidental pilgrim- a lapsed Catholic who goes to church . . to vote.  I’m probably on double secret probation, but I’m still confident I could score big on my Pearly Gates entrance exam . . if there’s a curve. Besides, I always imagined God to be sorta like Bill Cosby- stern, but with an appreciation for comedic timing. Plus, I never did anything that was smite-worthy, that I can remember.

Science as wonder and imagination, I like. Science as bully, with Stephen Hawking playing the role of Luca Brasi? Not so much. Who are these people to play God, and refute him at the same time? The only higher powers I refute live in Hollywood.

Imagine the consequences if there is no God. An athlete’s God given ability will be credited to corporate benefactors. That “In God We Trust” motto on our currency would be a tramp stamp. And “One nation, under terra firma”? Sounds Darwinian. Nick Saban becomes the “Coaching Boss”, unless Joyce Meyers sues for trademark infringement. Instead of the standard “God Bless America” the President will end his speech with a simple line. People with God complexes would merely have complexes. God fearing people would be fearless. Any guy wearing a “God’s Gift to Women” shirt is lying (who knew?). And when a woman does this . . she’s . . yanno.

Take God out of our simplest everyday equations, and there wouldn’t even be hell to pay! Which begs another question. If there’s no hell, where do the musicians go? And what about Congress, and the Kardashians?

If scientists have their way, they liquidate God’s friends too. And did anyone have more interesting company than God? Other than Johnny Carson, I mean. There was Eve, whose dalliance with an apple revolutionized consumer electronics. Noah built a vessel with enough leg room to house his family . . and two of every animal on earth. Cain was the first “person of interest” in world history. David slew the dinosaurs . . with a slingshot. And all Moses did was part the sea. What do scientists have that compares with that? Oh I forgot, they have James Cameron who found all that money at the bottom of it.

I look at it this way. If science kills God, we got L. Ron Hubbard as a fallback option. And if that doesn’t scare you, the idea of Tom Cruise wearing sandals . . . should.


7 thoughts on “What If God Was None Of Us?

  1. Ha! James Cameron finding money at the bottom of the ocean HA that was a good one. I haven’t had a conversation like that yet but if I do I’ll refer to your post to help me get some points 🙂

  2. Not such a believer in god, though I like the idea of giving a name to the moral code.
    I do have an objection to those close-minded zealots who try to impose god on every facet of everything from the greatest calamity to them finding a nickel on the sidewalk.

    • Handsome- I HATE the fake twenty dollar bills. But seriously, I had a real problem with Dan Cathy’s public proclamation against gay marriage earlier this year. Call me cynical, but I found the timing (an election year) to be dubious. You’re right, there is too much proselytizing going on. Which is why I go take out on my religion.

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