Forrest Gump as Legend- When I saw it in the theaters, I thought it was good. Good. Not a cinematic masterpiece. Listen, I’m never gonna be mistaken for a film critic, but outside of the CGI, I consider Forrest Gump to be little more than a two hour music video. And by the way, the best line in Gump has nothing to do with chocolates. It’s about those rocks Jenny was throwing.
People who say “Must be nice”- Out of envy, hatred or just because they feel like pissing you off. It’s impolite, to say the least. Hey, if my neighbor told me he was moving to Rio with Charlize Theron, I wouldn’t harsh his heavenly news with “Must be nice”. I would just high five him with a big fat “Nice!”
Sporks- Billed as the Jack of All Trades utensil, it masters nothing. It will not cut your meat or hold your soup and it absolutely botches your big salad.
The Lebron James Hateration Parade- The kid chose South Beach over Cleveland and is vilified. Unless Option #3 was Maui, I don’t see why that is.
Musicians who profess love for your town during a concert- You know they’re lying their ass off. Unless you live in Maui. Or South Beach.
Ribbon Candy- The highest artistic form of wasting food known to man. What do you DO with this stuff? You get it for Christmas, you stick it in a drawer until spring cleaning . . and then you throw the shit out.
Chicago Cubs fans- Any fan base that buys this “Lovable Losers” tag for one hundred seasons is not diehard, it’s delusional. And throwing a home run ball back when it’s hit by the opposition? Because Cubs ownership is hurting for money . . .
NA Beers- You don’t walk into a McDonalds and ask for their broccoli flavored Big Mac, do you? Here’s some advice. If you’re at a bar and you feel left out cause you don’t drink alcohol? Just start saying really stupid shit. Same difference.
Bottled Water- The earth is three quarters water. Even in times of drought, you can count on rain to ruin your picnic. So, I gotta ask. Why the hell are we paying for the shit? I mean, it’s as ludicrous as paying for oxygen. Oh sorry . . . I forgot it’s all about consumerism.
Reality Show Stars- Reality shows are nothing more than really bad Improv. And here’s another thing. t’s not reality if you KNOW the cameras are on.
Great Cayman Thorn Idea! (Part . . . 1)- Being as how I live really close to Kate Gosselin? I’m gonna find a way to kiss her on the lips. AND. Post it here. You know what? Pulling off a stunt like that would fetch more hits than all the writing I’ve put into this thing. Shit if that doesn’t annoy me.
Guy Fieri’s Shades- You don’t tuck your shades against the back of your head like that. Behave like a man with your shades, dammit! But hey, that’s not hatin’. This NYT review? That’s hatin’.
“Going forward”- The expression took hold inside the last decade and I have to admit I’ve used it. Which REALLY annoys me. Whenever I say it, the same thought pops into my head . . . That’s Wolf Blitzer’s line! STOP!