Things That Annoy Me- Clean Version

Forrest Gump as Legend- When I saw it in the theaters, I thought it was good. Good. Not a cinematic masterpiece. Listen, I’m never gonna be mistaken for a film critic, but outside of the CGI, I consider Forrest Gump to be little more than a two hour music video. And by the way, the best line in Gump has nothing to do with chocolates. It’s about those rocks Jenny was throwing.

People who say “Must be nice”- Out of envy, hatred or just because they feel like pissing you off. It’s impolite, to say the least. Hey, if my neighbor told me he was moving to Rio with Charlize Theron, I wouldn’t harsh his heavenly news with “Must be nice”. I would just high five him with a big fat “Nice!”

Sporks- Billed as the Jack of All Trades utensil, it masters nothing. It will not cut your meat or hold your soup and it absolutely botches your big salad.

The Lebron James Hateration Parade- The kid chose South Beach over Cleveland and is vilified. Unless Option #3 was Maui, I don’t see why that is.

Musicians who profess love for your town during a concert- You know they’re lying their ass off. Unless you live in Maui. Or South Beach.

Ribbon Candy- The highest artistic form of wasting food known to man. What do you DO with this stuff? You get it for Christmas, you stick it in a drawer until spring cleaning . . and then you throw the shit out.

Chicago Cubs fans- Any fan base that buys this “Lovable Losers” tag for one hundred seasons is not diehard, it’s delusional. And throwing a home run ball back when it’s hit by the opposition? Because Cubs ownership is hurting for money . . .

NA Beers- You don’t walk into a McDonalds and ask for their broccoli flavored Big Mac, do you? Here’s some advice. If you’re at a bar and you feel left out cause you don’t drink alcohol? Just start saying really stupid shit. Same difference.

Bottled Water- The earth is three quarters water. Even in times of drought, you can count on rain to ruin your picnic. So, I gotta ask. Why the hell are we paying for the shit? I mean, it’s as ludicrous as paying for oxygen. Oh sorry . . . I forgot it’s all about consumerism.

Reality Show Stars- Reality shows are nothing more than really bad Improv. And here’s another thing. t’s not reality if you KNOW the cameras are on.

Great Cayman Thorn Idea! (Part . . . 1)- Being as how I live really close to Kate Gosselin? I’m gonna find a way to kiss her on the lips. AND. Post it here. You know what? Pulling off a stunt like that would fetch more hits than all the writing I’ve put into this thing. Shit if that doesn’t annoy me.

Guy Fieri’s Shades- You don’t tuck your shades against the back of your head like that. Behave like a man with your shades, dammit! But hey, that’s not hatin’. This NYT review? That’s hatin’.

“Going forward”- The expression took hold inside the last decade and I have to admit I’ve used it. Which REALLY annoys me. Whenever I say it, the same thought pops into my head . . . That’s Wolf Blitzer’s line! STOP!


21 thoughts on “Things That Annoy Me- Clean Version

  1. Great post. Crack me up! I’m actually a fan of Forrest Gump and you’re right the chocolates line is a good one, but the great one is definitely …sometimes there’s just not enough rocks. HA! I love that quote and wrote a post on it a while ago. Best line ever. As for sporks your right … I know they’re trying to save plastic, but sporks are not cool. And reality stars ugh! They totally burn me out. They have no talent and cameras are following them around and the sad part is people are actually watching every week. They’re watching. Dude.

  2. Cayman, my man, thank you, thank you, thank you. For Ms. Flack, and…I thought it was just my family that always says “Must be nice.” I want to scream, or drink a big jug of moonshine, every time they do that. Maybe doing both will get me through the Family Thanksgiving Dinner.

    —send aid, or moonshine 😀 —

  3. I HATED Forrest Gump and was so upset that it won the Oscar over Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption, which is one of my favorites. And ribbon candy? Isn’t it just supposed to be a holiday decoration?

    • Petal- Shawshank is one of my favorites as well, and you’re right! I hadn’t even thought about the Oscar being stolen away from Morgan Freeman by Gump. As for the ribbon candy, I always thought SOMEONE was eating those things. Maybe not, huh?

  4. You will be very disappointed to learn that Forrest Gump is being taught in high schools. Thank God my son has a good old-fashioned task master for English that opted for To Kill a Mockingbird.

    • Freedom- I can understand where maybe Shakespeare doesn’t play so well with today’s kids. But really? We go from Hamlet right to Gump? There’s like, no other literature going on out there? Yikes….

  5. Dahlin’, I’m just glad you don’t feel the scratch when you hear a Southerner say “Bless Your Heart”…after all, it IS the only nice way we know how to say ‘Kiss my ass’… But ta say “Must be nice”….what ARE ya trying to say? That one scratches the chalkboard for me too.

    As for Snookie, and the othercommon street folk trying to act…taking jobs away from the trained and talented…please go fall off a cliff.


    • Hey K- I’ve never been on the receiving end of “Bless your Heart”, but then again, I’ve never lived in the South. But come on, referring to Snookie as “common street folk” is an insult . . . to common street folk.

  6. You are just like watching a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up routine..when he’s through and you’re on your way home home, the first thing you say to yourself is, “Wow! That’s so true!!”

  7. Fantasy Man- If you wanted me to buy you a beer, all you had to do was ask. That’s some high praise you got going on there, and while I don’t warrant it, I’ll take it and run. Thanks muchacho.

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