Jesus Wept . . . Again

I go out to watch a championship game, and a Mel Gibson Jesus movie broke out. So, my college football smarts is as extensive as my Tyler Perry movie collection. I had a bad feeling during introductions when I mistook the Crimson Tide linemen for iceberg stunt doubles.

In boxing, when someone gets punched in the mouth like that, they stay lip locked to the canvas; after which you go have scotch and steaks and say a prayer for the poor bastard. In football, you’re locked into three more hours worth of commercials, countless shots of Nick Saban’s hair, and Brent Musburger’s best Hemingway impersonation.

Cayman’s Day Late Confessional

I lost five bucks in a pool. I don’t wager, so this pissed me off, since I could have gotten two iced coffees with that dough. The last time I wagered? I lost twenty bucks on the Lions in the ’92 Fiesta Bowl, even though they won. The moral of the story is, never help out a friend whose start-up business is bookmaking.

As a Dolphins fan, it was strange watching Saban win a title in Miami. I found myself squinting in a pathetic attempt to transform the moment into aqua marine. It was no use. The Dolphins haven’t run the ball like that since Mercury Morris retired to his annual champagne toasts.

I knew it was Fait accompli when I called my daughter up to ask about dinner plans for the week . . in the first quarter. Then I tried consoling my son who was pulling for the Irish, poor kid. He doesn’t quite grasp the infinite joy of suffering. Maybe he thought I was joking when I explained Catholicism as a parking ticket you receive when you’re born and pay for until you die. Personally, thanks to vodka, nicotine and the Three Stooges, I was able to navigate those life lessons until I found a therapist who didn’t advertise on a matchbook.

Christopher Walken’s take on the BCS title game: This was a massacaaa! Why did the Irish even show up? . . Were they under the impression there was gonna be a Sainthood induction at halftime? . . It reminded me of the time I showed up to accept a Razzie Award!  . . And who goes into Miami after dark? The last time I tried that, a Filipino midget sold me a bad batch of Viagra and airport security detained me . . . . for thirty six howaaas! It made the gold watch story look like a dental cleaning!

As for that lost cause bookmaker, I’ve a mind to look him up and settle a score on a college game that I got right. If I were to tack on the interest to that ’92 wager, I could score tickets to next year’s title game. But really, I would settle for coffee money.



16 thoughts on “Jesus Wept . . . Again

  1. Now THAT’S the best Christopher Walken impersonation I have ever heard! Uhhh…I mean read…And Mercury Morris….haven’t heard that name in decades! Just saying his name makes me want to hop on a tread mill..

    And us bloggers get this entertainment for free!! What a deal..

    • I use Walken’s voice in my head whenever I’m in need of a pick me up. And it’s strange to think there is an entire generation of kids out there who think Mercury Morris is just some dude who gets together with his buddies to celebrate when the last undefeated team goes by the way side.

  2. I’m with Hank on both points! I loved watching Morris glide along, putting great distance between himself and anyone foolish enough to chase after him. However, the saddest part of everything you wrote of was that coffee money…

    Oh yea, I thought I saw Musburger with a blonde after the “game.”

  3. Steven, what I failed to mention was that coffee money- by 2013 standards- would net me a couple hundred bucks. Old Brent still has plenty of tiger in his tank. Maybe next year they should pair him up with Charlie Sheen for the game coverage.

  4. Oh and by the way…Hank and Steven…..where were you two when I was doing my Rex Ryan’ish guaranteeing all last week? All’s I’m saying is, you could’ve let me know the Irish had about as much of a chance as an ice cream cone in July. You’re my sports guys, I depend on you for that kind of 411 since my sports predictions are usually about as accurate as a Stevie Wonder weather forecast.
    As for the 2013 baseball season, I was gonna pick the Pirates and Royals to meet in the World Series. Any thoughts?

  5. I used to follow football, but with kids it got to be too difficult. Then when I started researching my novel (my protag is a college football quarterback), I was able to get in a lot of football time. I used to record the games and then study the game based on the commentator’s remarks. It was tedious, but I learned a lot that way. I ended up having favorites and rooting them on, even though I originally only wanted to learn the sport!

    As I’m a New Englander, I am automatically a Patriots fan, but I also used to love the Cowboys when Troy Aikman and Emmit Smith played. Those were good years.

  6. 4am- This last game was sorta like an ‘event’ since I really don’t follow college football. Who knows? In another ten years, maybe I’ll see my football shadow again. Sooo, as a New Englander, I’m guessing your team is the Red Sawx when you have a spare moment to catch a baseball game? That’s okay if you are. I won’t hold it against you.

      • 4am- I only censor comments when I deem them to be ‘too clean’. It’s funny how success works, isn’t it? Before 2004, Sawx fans wanted to see the team win one before they died. I think the Sox were in need of a ‘correction’ as far as their blueprint was concerned. As solid as Theo was, in the last few years he was simply throwing money at people to get them to come there. Ben Cherington earned his paycheck last year by engineering that mass exodus, because the team needed to change course dramatically and he nailed it. My Yankees find themselves in an ironic spot as well. Now that they’ve gone frugal, all the people who used to complain about how the Yanks played checkbook baseball are asking “Why ain’t they spending any money?!”. Personally, I would give A-Rod away and grow the farm system, which is barren. Yankee fans are too spoiled to deal with their team missing the postseason for several years while they got younger, but too bad. I say we go the way of the Giants and Cards. Grow our own, fill in with key veteran free agents. Hey, it worked for us in the ’90s.

  7. I can remember watching Mercury Morris and the perfect season (which I actually predicted). That aside, the game was a good example of a good, old-fashion butt whoopin’. Men against the boys. I like the Irish, but for the way Brian Kelly left my town, a part of me was smiling.

    • Frank- I was a boy, living in Miami during that time. I don’t remember a thing about the team, but I guess enough of the glory stuck. Which has put me in my current predicament. Waiting for the next Mercury shot. As for Brian Kelly, if he leaves for the Eagles? You Bearcats fans can enjoy two or three more years worth of comeuppance, cause it will be ugly for BK.

      • I still amazed that BK talked to the Eagles … Then again, it wasn’t that long ago that he said he had the best job and wasn’t looking. Still just don’t think the Eagles will bite.

        BTW – That Dolphins team was very good … balanced on both sides of the ball.

  8. Cayman, you really didn’t have to Crimson on the blog site but baby… that shows class! I salute you… And honestly, I did not expect the game to be so one- sided… by the end of the first quarter someone had to come over and close my jaw. Anyway, now I can go back to my ever true and lately losers orange and blue…hoping a new coaching staff can bring us out of the shitter.

    By the way, do you think the Irish would have played better with more COW BELL?

    • Hey K,

      No such thing as a poor sport in my family. I was raised catholic mafia. You cried, you got shot. It was such an innocent time. I remember thinking ‘Oh shit’ when the Tide went up 7-0, mowing through the ND line as if it were me and my pals defending. And well, it only got worse from there. My next wager is gonna be against the Mayans end of the world prediction. So, yanno . . . kiss your ass goodbye while you still can.
      And for what it’s worth, I always thought the Auburn team had better uni’s. Who knows? Maybe they can trade with Carolina and bring Cam back into the fold….
      The Irish definitely would have played better with more COW BELL, as long as it was attached to about three tons worth of linemen.

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