What’s with all the Bracket?

March MadnessOffice pools suck.

That’s the conclusion I came to yesterday afternoon while filling out an NCAA tournament bracket as if it were an Iranian presidential ballot.

Office pool people engage in what I like to call soft communism. Their participation in every conceivable office pool while on the company dime leads to the inevitable slump in productivity; which leads to downsizing, reorganization and eventually, liquidation of all assets. So remember, you’re not winning an office pool. You’re contributing to the fall of capitalism.

Take it from me, once these people dig their red menaced talons into you with their merciless recruiting methods, you’ll be quoting Lenin as if he was a member of the Beatles. Be forewarned, the following exchange can be tough to take if you loved Rocky 4 as much as I did.

“Hey, did you fill out a bracket yet?”


“You want to?”


Evil commie bastards.

As far as college basketball is concerned, it went out of style with preppy jokes, Zubaz pants and Matt Lauer’s hair. This sport has become as irrelevant as Paris Hilton at a Mensa convention.

Back in the day, players stayed in school for four years. This produced the kind of familiarity that breeds both romance and contempt. Head coaches were Rushmore- venerated titans who served as the face of a program. And teams wore two uniforms- home and away. Today? You might as well print the players names on the side of a milk carton, and head coaches are more committed to their sneaker contracts than their programs. As for the uniforms, college basketball teams resemble corporate travel teams.

Soooo . . .  I filled out my bracket whilst cursing under my breath, after which I handed over five bucks as if it were kidney stones. It’s the principle of the thing, yanno?

Top 5 better choices for my 5 spot  . . .

5-Five Below Gift Card
4-1985 Yugo
3-Minority ownership in Miami Marlins
2-Ultimate Matrix Collection on DVD
1-Cap’n Crunch Berry Frap

YugoAs for my picks, I chose Louisville and Miami to meet in the title game- the former because The Return of the Living Dead took place there, and the latter because I believe LeBron James is great enough to deliver TWO titles to South Florida this year.

It took me about three minutes to complete my bracket, and this was due to the fact there are more tournament teams than California gubernatorial candidates. I wasn’t as political as President Obama (who went for battleground kiss up), nor as scientific as the ‘experts’.

An opening round sampling? Ooookay . . .

I chose Michigan for their cheerleaders . . I had UNC because Chapel Hill is a cool town . . Notre Dame for the guilt . . I chose Pitt because Dan Marino went there . . I chose against Oregon because I don’t like Phil Knight. And in my upset special, I took Southern U. to beat Gonzaga after I learned that a 16 seed had never defeated a 1 seed in the tournament. (And I came thisclose to being the darling of my office pool when it almost happened).

It doesn’t make me a communist that I had fun with that, does it?


22 thoughts on “What’s with all the Bracket?

  1. Your choices are almost as bad as the reasons I liked certain college basketball teams when I was dating a guy who was a huge fan of the sport. I couldn’t pick the ones he liked because I needed to be my own woman, but on the flip side I didn’t want to pick losing teams either. So, I went by baseball hat logos. True. Walked into a sports store, looked at all the hat selections, picked the coolest looking hats, and voila! My “favorite” teams were decided.

  2. Dude nice post. I love all the bracket action when I was working at the newspaper. I worked in sports and it seemed that most of the time someone from another department would win the cash. It was too funny. So I think your strategy may work. And I was hoping on Gonzaga, Duke, CAL, and Michigan. Where the hell did FGCU come from … I had to look it up. Happy Madness 🙂

    • Guat- So you worked in the toy department of the newspaper, huh? I like sportswriters, even if they make absolutely no sense at all. You . . umm, weren’t a sportswriter, I’m hoping.
      As for my picks, I went chalk with Indy and Louisville in the final four. Not sure if Miami is considered ‘chalk’ since LeBron isn’t suiting up for them. I always root for Duke to win because I love Coach K and that whole Durham scene. As for FGCU, all I gotta say is that it’s a refreshing change of pace when the gulf coast is headline news and an oil spill has nothing to do with it.

  3. How can you know for sure? Maybe it’s a ruse…okay, you got me. I’m really not a commie. Now if I could only convince my kids that I can be cool every now and then.

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