The No Normal, Four Lettered Pass/Fail and Peeling Onion

B StrongAfter my “new normal” post last week, I asked a few people in my life what ‘normal’ meant to them. My demographics consisted of a few adults and my kids.

The adult respondents forget what ‘normal’ is supposed to feel like. We’ve gone from hot dates to speed dating . . from vinyl to microchip . . from payphones to Bluetooth . . from Robert Young to Ozzy Osbourne. We brought our TV dinners to the Theater of War. Our Happily Ever After has reconfigured itself more times than a contortionist on muscle relaxants.

My kids live in the age of every clear and present danger brought to life. Born Post- Oklahoma City, they were drawing pictures of planes crashing into buildings when they were in Elementary School. They believe ‘normal’ to be as fictional an idea as Harry Potter. I wouldn’t trade places with them for all the big ideas and high tech gadgetry this age has to offer. Which is just fine with them. Cause they don’t scare easily . . .

. . . And neither does Boston. Hey, these people know how to roll the F-word like nobody’s business. It took Big Papi all of one minute to accomplish what Howard Stern hasn’t been able to pull off in thirty two years!

Here’s the Boston way of Four Lettering it . .

And here is FAIL . .

Yep, it’s time to get back to things. And since I cannot hope to honor the world’s city with the same class as those Londoners did yesterday, I’ll do it my way.

Ya know what they cawl Big Papi’s speech in Baastan? Church! And hey, maybe that pep tawk put some staach in the Celtics pants fah Game 2. You can’t take the last quawtah of the game off, this aint soccah! As fa the Red Sawx? If ya woulda played like this fah Bobby V, he wouldn’t be making wraps at Subway!

Just like riding a bike.

Anyways, once upon a time I wrote for a humor blog. We were big on lists, which is where I get my list habit from. So as promised, here’s my side of Onion.

NBC Exec: Leno’s retirement to work ‘seamlessly’ with hell freezing over

Cavaliers mull relocation to Miami in anticipation of LeBron James free agency

New Study Exposed! Drinking in moderation leaves more for doctors

McDonald’s expresses surprise over not being healthy alternative to plutonium

Fidel Castro’s secret to long life: Buy LOTS of green bananas

Ryan Lochte ends bid to prove he’s more than a “sex object”

Larry King takes top spot in”Dead or Alive” rankings

Wolf Blitzer said to have housed illegal aliens in beard

Likeness of Jesus found on English muffin reveals He suffered from acne

Nielsen Family Tell All Book: Parents made us watch TV all the time

Kate Gosselin contemplates career change as soon as she finds one

Earliest know use of term ‘hash-tag’ traced back to Woodstock

Kenny Rogers confesses to calling 911 on himself after looking in mirror

North Korea denounces “Abominable Hunger Games” Declares war on Panem

And in honor of Earth Day, I celebrated one year off the smokes today. I’ll post on my life without nicotine another day, preferably when I’m not so happy about the idea. It’s always more entertaining that way.

32 thoughts on “The No Normal, Four Lettered Pass/Fail and Peeling Onion

  1. Congrats on one-year smoke free. Very awesome! Also very awesome…. Neil Diamond! Heard he caught the red-eye flight from wherever he was just so he could come sing that day. Class-act.

    • Thanks on the one year props, I’m feeling good about it. And yeah…Neil Diamond came to Boston, unsolicited and called up the Sox when he got there. How cool is that?
      Hey, I read your “About Me” over at Running, and I want to congratulate you on keeping on.You’re an inspiration. God bless.

      • Aww thanks, you’re awesome! So happy to be connected with you here–God bless the internets… And God bless you too!

  2. Congrats on being smoke free for a year! I’ve been smoke free since the day after I got married. (Which is when I promised my husband I would quit – “just let me smoke until we get through the goddam wedding, and then I’ll quit.” The wedding is a tale I’m saving until the guilty parties are all dead.)

    I must say, I totally have a whole new respect for Neil Diamond after what he did for Boston and the Sox.

    Also, I have a RI friend who once told me about being out with her husband and another couple on their boat and her husband and the other guy were playing cods. And I had to ask her, What the hell kind of game is cods? Is it like, Go, Fish?

    • I was smoke free for several years after I got married. Then I began to ‘social smoke’, which is another word for bullshit. This social smoking habit was carried from my early thirties into last year. I feel great for having collected a year’s worth of equity, because I realize now just how much power I was giving away to a habit that was giving nothing back.
      The Cods story is priceless. Love that New England accent something wicked.

    • Frank- The Dolphins reached with Dion Jordan at 3. He’s gonna be boom or bust, but I’m keeping things positive in the hopes we found a monster hybrid who can terrorize the QB and harass wide receivers as well. If it works, we’re back in the postseason. If not, Jeff Ireland is searching the jobs section of his local paper.

      • So uh how did that Dion Jordan guy work out for you?
        You said boom or bust, and considering he was suspending most of ’14 and all of ’15, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say “bust.” Miami will find out in late April if he will be reinstated, so…boom or bust? Funny how everything comes full circle.
        🙂
        (Watching Game of Thrones and just clicking through some old posts for the fun of it.)

        • I think Miami should try to get Dion and Johnny Foosball (No typo there) to room together. Being on the suspended list is the most production we’ve gotten out of our Number 3 overall draft selection since the Dolphins sent in the pick. If this was Mafia rules, Jeff Ireland would be sleeping with the fishes, rather than fucking up their chances.

          I’m on Episode 6, Season 2 of Games. Just got done watching a dragon come out of a vajayjay. . . otherwise known as must see TV. Seriously, when the dragon pops out of her, the first fifty five minutes could have sucked wet tennis balls and it STILL would have been a great episode. What I love about this show, one of the many things, is that you can’t predict what’s going to happen next. Like, ever.

          • Dion Jordan … Josh Gordon … Well their names rhyme. Oh and don’t forget Vonn Miller. Everybody wants to shack up with Johnny! I just hope Jerry Jones ain’t on the list too.

            Hey funny little thing on Jeff Ireland. Guess where he was born?
            Abilene, Texas.

            Guess what he’s doing now? College scout for the Saints.

            He probably wishes he was sleeping with the fishes.

            Though….wasn’t he doing that at Miami? Those cute wittle Dolphin fishies?

            I remember that episode. I couldn’t tell you ANYTHING else about it, but oh boy I remember THAT scene. Mellisandre sure knows how to heat things up.

            I love that you’re watching Thrones. I really really really REALLY love that.

            • It’s pretty bad when Drew Rosenhaus goes “No, I can’t deal with your shit Johnny.” Are you kidding me?
              As far as Josh and Dion go, Flash called. He wants his Gordon back.
              If Jeff (Abilene) Ireland is scouting for the Saints, their future looks bleaker than anything the WD gang is encountering.
              Mellisandre! Yes! She is the definition of what it means to have fire in your belly.
              I love Thrones. Even if Stark went way too soon. It’s impossible to predict what comes next. Alls I know is, I won’t be ready for it.

    • Thank you on the smokes! The only way I go back is if we find out an asteroid is ready to take us out, or in the event of a zombie apocalypse. I am gonna post something from my old blog, just to give you an idea….

  3. Duuuuuuuuuuuuude.

    “You know what they call Big Papi’s speech in Boston? Church” HA! That was awesome! Loved it. 🙂

    And congrats, my friend. Congrats on the whole tobacco free year. It is so awesome and in truth I don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking (never smoked) and stay ZEN like when people around the neighborhood or work smoke, but I imagine it may be pretty crappy at first and then pretty awesome later when you begin living smoke free months. So I give you a big high-five. Secondly Neil Diamond rocks! I saw the highlights on ESPN and that must have been awesome. B Strong indeed. 🙂

    • I don’t miss smoking. I realize this would change the moment I had a cigarette, which is why I steel myself from the get back. I’ve come too far now to go back. Unless a catastrophic event such as an asteroid happens….I would be on whiskey and smokes to the end in that event.

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