Too many people, too little time for Pottery Barn

PopulationRemember when wide open spaces wasn’t a reference to a Dixie Chicks song, but a reality?

Well, I don’t either. But I hear stories about those simpler times, and it sounds like it was a pretty cool place to be. Highways where you could open up the engine, rather than a breakfast sandwich? Trips to the shore that didn’t factor in two days worth of travel? Hey, I’m there. I would gladly hand over all my modern conveniences if it meant I didn’t have to book a reservation to buy a cup of coffee.

We got a population problem and it goes like this: America’s BMI has nearly quadrupled in the last century and if we keep it up, we’ll hit the 1 billion mark some time in the next century. We won’t have to deal with the ramifications, but our grand-children’s children will, along with Hugh Hefner. You gotta admit, it’s scary shit when you look at it that way.

Never mind that air quality is being strangled by an orange crush of pollutants. Or that a huge portion of the population is unemployed or underemployed while the rest is working for ESPN. And never mind the cranky crime rates or the rising costs of living or the seeping dread of living it, at least in some places.

Despite all the evidence that says we should focus on improving humanity rather than making more of it, young couples remain unswayed on the matter of reproduction. And while they’re not having babies at the same meteoric clip as olden times, they’re still having 2.083 babies per couple (Give or take a point).  Hasn’t it occurred to these people that something is very wrong when they’re giving birth to fractions?

Enough with the baby making!

At least until we have a reasonable assurance that the Grand Canyon isn’t going to be filled in and sold to RE/MAX, or that the Redwoods aren’t going to be chopped into tree houses for McMansions, or that our wildlife won’t become the exclusive purview of genetic modification before long.

This generation of reproducers has a golden opportunity in the palm of their hands (Intentional? Meet pun.). They can have sex simply for the fun of it. No attachments, no nine month waits, no kidding. What’s not to love about that?

We’re running out of options here. Either we ease up on the gas pedal as far as reproduction is concerned, or we will arrive at the juncture where such decisions are made for us. Because really, our resources do not possess infinite stretch even if we’re grossly negligent in our consummation habits. Enough has to be enough, before it becomes too much.

As for teen pregnancy rates, here’s my solution. It has nothing to do with abstinence, since the Holy Spirit’s crossover appeal hasn’t proven very effective in back seat studies. My method doesn’t concern itself with a hopeful allegiance to prepossessed intermediaries. Nah. I would just give teenagers good paying jobs and then mug them. Every payday. Once kids learn what parenting entails, teen pregnancy rates will plummet and Trojan stock will soar.

The adults can downsize on the white picket fence blueprint and upsize on the fun. Imagine the possibilities! Having sex with the bedroom door open. In the middle of the day. Right before you hop a plane to Vegas. And if you’re not sold on the idea yet, chew on this. The in-laws wouldn’t have a built in excuse to camp out at your place for a week.

You’re welcome.

20 thoughts on “Too many people, too little time for Pottery Barn

    • Oh my Gawd! If it isn’t the lovely scribe out Jayhawk way. How goes it Ms B? Nice to see you here again. And yes, the boy knows of what he speaks. Anyone interested in relocating to Mars will only be allowed to take along one other person and reproduction will be against the law until they figure out what to do with the diapers.

    • Ms Thespian. I am so appreciative of you for re-blogging this, if only to further piss off the Heritage Foundation.
      PS- I had never seen an episode of “Royal Pains” until the other night, and I only watched it to see you. Your YouTube vid was quite entertaining as well…
      Thanks again, Red.

  1. Sadly, it was tried in China.
    They ended up with a river full of dead baby girls.

    I think you might have better results giving teens pictures of their parents having sex.
    If thtat doesn’t make sex traumatic for them, nothing will!

  2. When my friend’s teenage son kept saying he didn’t know what the fuss was all about becoming a father at 16, I suggested to him that he volunteer at a day care center from ten in the morning to six o’ clock in the evening. It took several weeks of challenging him to get him to eventually do it. But after the ordeal there, he texted his mom with this message: “On way to store to buy condoms. Never havin kids. They cry a lot & smell bad.” 🙂

  3. Don’t look at me. I did my part for humanity and only had one kid. His father and I gave him a good education and now he has a job that pays a living wage. You might want to send this to people like the Duggars who should soon have enough of a brood to populate a state all on their own. Or the sleeze-bag reality tv producers who keep making shows about families with a shit-ton of kids.

    Sorry, I’ll stop now. I could go on and on. . . . (Can you tell how much I agree with you on this subject?)

    I like El Guapo’s idea to give teens pictures of their parents having sex. That might even work for the next generation of Duggars!

    • Mary, the Duggars impale my last nerve, they really do. It’s one thing to love kids, and a completely ‘nother thing to have so many as to create your own zip code. It’s irresponsible as all get out to have that many kids, at least I think so. I have two kids, one of which I am giving back. Okay, he’s going off to college…same diff.

  4. i have cats so i fit the bill of what you deem ok. As for the giving them jobs and robing them. LOVE IT! said with a twang to it.
    on serious note. This my dear is what tribulation i feel is like. There are to many of us and not enough resources. Just a thought but ask God to reveal this when you pick up His manual for life. This is why i am going to Him while there is still time. He provides All and Promises to do so during such feminist times to come.
    Get a cat(s) they act like permeate 2 year olds that will show them. Just ask my cats… my world revolves around them.

      • God uses my cats to show me how good i have it. For surly i am treated better than what i can provide for my kiddies. and trust me they have it good. Mahagony carved food dishes, to say the least. do know how i would live without them though. It’s like furry examples of unconditional love.

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