Time honored these sayings, but you don’t have to . . .

Ben Franklin once said “Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see,”. Or was it Ryan Braun who said that? I get confused. Anyways, when it comes to time honored sayings, I’m a big proponent of the trust but verify philosophy. Reagan taught me that. He also taught me that chopping wood makes you look awesome, really awesome.

Anyways, here are a few ditties I don’t take so seriously . . .

Don’t drink alone- Drinking with others might be a cool blog name, but it also happens to be a problematic design. And yes, I speak from personal experience. Look at all the bad shit that happens as the result of drinking with others. Bar fights happen when you drink with others, and the worst part about it is they never happen at company parties. Unexpected pregnancies, they also tend to happen when you drink with others, and they lead to unexpected marriage proposals, and shotguns, loaded ones. Drinking with others can lead to reconciliation with relatives, which sounds great until you have to call them back and explain that you really didn’t mean to.

Date the bad girl but marry the good girl- If experience- in the form of a failed marriage- has taught me anything, it’s to hedge my bets when it comes to relationships. In other words, I would err on the side of bad girl if matrimony ever became a consideration. Sure, it would only last six and a half days, or as I would affectionately refer to it . . “The best damn marriage ever.”

Two wrongs don’t make a right- Maybe so, but I know this. The person who commits the second wrong is gonna feel more right than the person who committed the first one. Mostly because, yanno, he’s still standing.

Never burn bridges- Whoever came up with this gem never had an asshole boss or a bad romance.

Never go to bed angry- Remind me as to why makeup sex was invented again . . I forget.

Don’t say something you’ll regret- Thinking it is nine tenths of the universal law. Saying it just sets you free. Spoken by someone who has suffered his fair share of firings and “don’t ever call me again”s. Hey, I’m making this list up as I go along, it’s not to be taken as gospel.

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon- Okay, I cheated on this one. It’s a Winnie the Pooh quote, which should only count when it comes to party stationary and Jamie Lee Curtis. But as far as balloons being a guaranteed happy place? Tell that to the poor DEA agents who have to lube up drug mules, why dontcha?

Never leave for tomorrow what you can do today- Evidently, this was penned by someone who valued bill collectors over getting laid.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you- An outdated- and really dangerous- proposition inside the age of porn.

Everything happens for a reason- No, everything happens. The reason comes after everything has done it’s thing. Why? Because lots of times, the reason is too lazy to show up beforehand.

See kids, it’s like Sara says. Never let the words tell you what to do. They’re just words, after all, and there’s always more of ’em where those came from. So take the ones that matter and shake off the ones that don’t.

Go big on your brave.

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10 thoughts on “Time honored these sayings, but you don’t have to . . .

  1. Twice in a week! My cup runneth over!

    Everything happens for a reason has to be the stupidest explanation for anything ever.
    Great, then give me the reason. Not the damn platitude.
    Jackass.

    I’m also not particularly religious, so I take double offense at this. But if said, it is an excellent reason for burning a bridge, so…

    • Well handsome . . make it THREE times in one week! I guess what they say IS right . . . everything happens for a reason? Well, actually . . no. I just had some time and brain cells to kill.

  2. “Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon” add nitrous to the statement, and then you have a universal truth.

    If you own a boat, you don’t need bridges. If you burn them, then you can turn a profit from others. Also, I don’t think zombies can swim, can they?

    Never got in trouble drinking alone. So true.

    Sara… Nice!

  3. I love this dude!

    I absolutely hate it when people say “everything happens for a reason.” I give a half-assed smile when they say that, because all I want to do is punch them in the face. I’m so glad you have shed some light on why the hell reason never shows up on time 🙂 And it’s so funny you talk about “burning bridges” I completely agree. I just wrote a post on that where it was the main topic. Too funny, my friend 🙂

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