Thanks to the wildly popular 2012 NFL predictions post, I’m doing it again! Okay . . maybe I’m exaggerating on the wildly popular part. But seeing as how I was going to celebrate the new NFL season by purchasing a handgun or frequenting a strip club, this seems a bit more reasonable. I needn’t remind you these predictions are purely for entertainment value. If you choose to use them for the purpose of wagering your hard earned money, seek help immediately by sending the money to me instead.
This season, I have individualized things so that every team is covered. Expert analysis suffered as a result. Enjoy!
New England- Tom Brady suffers a season ending injury to his neck as the result of admiring himself in the mirror.
Miami- The team’s 4-12 campaign sparks PETA protests citing “Cruel treatment of Dolphins”.
Buffalo- A search party is called after the Bills go missing during a December home game. GM Doug Whaley admits the all white home uniforms may have been a mistake. On a positive note, the search party defeats the Jets with a field goal in OT.
NY Jets- After throwing 11 interceptions vs the Patriots, QB Mark Sanchez tells reporters “I feel like an ass,”
Pittsburgh- The Steelers trade places with the Pirates by missing the playoffs.
Cleveland- Falling on hard times after an 0-8 start, the entire team moves into Coach Rob Chudzinski’s basement.
Baltimore- Joe Flacco admits to being in the Witness Protection Program.
Cincinnati- The Bengals become the first NFL team to win a playoff game and an Oscar (Life of Pi)
Jacksonville- The Jaguars application for Division I status is rejected.
Houston- The Texans unveil the world’s largest remote control to go along with the world’s largest jumbo-tron. It gets lost in owner Bob McNair’s sofa cushions.
Indianapolis- Hiring a former veterinarian as team doctor proves fatal when an offensive lineman is euthanized after breaking his leg.
Tennessee- Elvis is found alive! Professional football in Tennessee . . not so much.
Denver- Peyton Manning suffers a neck injury. The result of admiring Tom Brady’s mirror posing.
Oakland- City officials charge the team with squatting.
San Diego- QB Phillip Rivers retires to a foolproof gig as a San Diego weatherman.
Kansas City- The team shows little progress on the field but local fast food restaurants enjoy a spike in business with Andy Reid’s arrival.
Dallas- Javier Bardem performs the coin flip for the home opener, delaying the start of the game by three hours when the Giants refuse to call it.
NY Giants- See above. Yes . . I happen to think it’s funny enough to carry over.
Philadelphia- Chip Kelly’s high octane offense scores at will. In practice.
Washington- RGIII purposely re-injures his ACL in a curious attempt to break Adrian Peterson’s comeback record.
Chicago- Jay Cutler suffers a concussion as the result of listening to White Sox announcers.
Minnesota- The Vikings go missing in the Mall of America.
Green Bay- Aaron Rodgers promises to be kinder to his WR’s . . . as soon as former teammates Greg Jennings and Donald Driver promise to redact all the TD catches he gave to them.
Detroit- Ownership decides to outsource in a desperate attempt to procure talent.
Carolina- Cam Newton admits he took a pay cut when he left Auburn to go to the NFL.
New Orleans- Tim Tebow is signed as a backup, achieving . . . (wait for it) . . . Sainthood.
Atlanta- Coach Mike Price wins local radio contest for “Least Recognizable Citizen”.
Tampa Bay- The Bucs sign free agent Vince Young, who becomes the first professional athlete to get paid in Play-Doh. He loses it all during his first play date.
Arizona- They invite Javier Bardem to perform the coin flip at their home opener.
St Louis- Have you ever seen Coach Fisher and Chuck Norris in the same room? You haven’t, have you?
San Francisco- Coach Jim Harbaugh pens a children’s book which never makes it to press on account of its offensive title, “Stop Wetting your Diaper and Buck the Fuck Up!”. QB Colin Kaepernick forgets how to throw TD’s after wearing this cap. The team goes 12-4 but finishes second to . . .
The Seattle Seahawks- Who win their first Super Bowl since Tecmo Bowl was popular. The afterglow is short lived as Pete Carroll’s squad is forced to vacate the title on account of numerous recruiting violations. The team is given ten years probation, otherwise known to Seahawks fans as the ’90s.