Father Knows Text

I recently entered the modern age when I added texting to my plan. With my son away at Richmond U., it’s a good thing I did since it’s the easiest (only) way to get in touch with him sometimes.

Here are a few of my favorite exchanges from his first month in school.

Son: Don’t tell Ari but I had six slices of pizza tonight!!!
Father: You’re THAT scared of your little sister! Wuss!  Btw . . don’t tell her about the sub I had for lunch, cool?

Father: Why am I watching Va Tech v Bama?
Son: Because you have no life?
Father: No, that’s not it.
Son: Because you’re drinking?
Father: Nope.
Son: Because you want something to bitch about?
Father: Bingo! 

These texts happened during the Richmond Spiders home opener vs VMI

Son: VMI has a case of arachnophobia!
Father: Did school paper go to press yet! That’s front page headline b’ness baby!
Son: Umm, maybe not.
Father: Are you kidding me? It’s gold . . gold!

Son: You should hear the obscenity filled chants. No imagination.
Father: How fucking ignorant! I hate fucking obscenities! 
Ha ha, It reminds me of the family Christmas parties we used to have!

Father: Hope u have a good day.
Son: Thanks! Hope you learn how to spell
Father: Don’t hate on the brevity thing.
Son: I’m not hating on brevity. I’m hating on “U”
Father: Ur funny.
Son: I won’t recognize “U”
Father: Ur loss! 

Father: I’m thinking I made my best mac and cheese yet
Son: You tell me this why?
Father: To elicit melancholy
Son: I want a divorce
Father: Read Macaulay Culkin’s auto-biography for reference, Amazon’s selling it for a quarter

Father: Slept on recliner. . .  Shhhh . . .IT!
Son: Why?
Father: Cat was hogging the pillows
Son: Who owns who?
Father: I’ll get back to you on that

Son: I did my own laundry and it turned out perfectly!
Father: And they say kids aren’t learning anything in college….pfft! 

Father: Made a wager with Big Papi that he couldn’t find Syria on a map
Son: What was the wager?
Father: A six of Sam which I am presently enjoying

Father: Hey, haven’t heard from you in a few days. Everything good?
Son: Sorry, been too busy experimenting with drugs to call

With all the texting I’ve been doing lately, the dreams I’ve been having as a result? Not good . . .




18 thoughts on “Father Knows Text

  1. You have given me an excellent idea! I’ll just ‘text’ my blogs into WordPress! Be like:
    OMG! Sanchez has just had a buttfumble! WTF! U really can’t make this up..Well, cya Mark. Ryan is bringing in Geno Smith next week..lol TTYL readers.

    So, what do you think Cayman? Think it’ll work?

  2. I’m not very adept at the key striking and it’s impractical to tote my computer keyboard around sooooo, I’m down with the whole brevity thing.

    PS Back- I know this, Christy. It doesn’t mean I have to LIKE it. Oh wait, Mr Speaker says I have to like it. Well then, of course I like it.

  3. So….it runs in the family does it? I can imagine family gatherings are rich! 😉
    He sounds sharp Cay, looks like you’ve done a good job.

    PS: Melancholy only results for the loser…we don’t have lot of that down here these days. #GoBama
    U rock @ Cay

    • The family Christmas parties were amazing. Things have toned down over the last several years, with Dad out of the equation (No, he’s not dead, he just lives somewhere else). Mom is a tranquil bird in her golden years. Me? I’m not a host, I’m the guy who comes in from the bullpen to provide late inning antics.
      Yep, the kid is sharp as all get out. He’s my Superman.
      And as for the whole ‘Bama thing, I’m okay with the idea of three straight. Actually, I’m rooting for it. As a Dolphins fan who got Saban for a couple seasons before he realized his way back to the wheelhouse of NCAA ball, this is as close as my Dolphins are getting to titles, so it’s a vicarious, sick love going on. And that’s fine, it still works. So . . . Roll Tide
      #Khamillion is a sexy punk

      • So…just how does a upper east coaster become a Dolphins fan? No Giants? No Jets? I know they’re NFC East…but still so soouuuuuth for NY Patriots. Just wondering. Bored on Sunday I guess. 🙂

        • I spent several years in Miami as a boy. Back when the Dolphins were the ONLY game in town, and I do mean only. I wasn’t interested in football back then, but when it came time to choose sides later on, I went with mangos over snowballs.

    • Handsome,

      Ari has a full weekend going on, which spills into a crazy week. So, when she does get around to checking in on this blog, she won’t bother scrolling back to the archival puss in the rear view. And if the worst case scenario DID happen? I’ll be taking her out to eat every night for a week. Ignorance really IS bliss, ain’t it?

  4. I can so relate to this post. I, too, added texting when my son went to college. I’ve become a big fan of texting. It’s quick, it’s easy. There’s something different about the gestalt of texting. Most recent text between the Boy and I:
    Mother (at 2:51 AM): Can’t sleep. Random thought/ question – have you heard of or use the expression, “fuck that noise?”

    Son: (several minutes later): Yes, don’t reply til morning or you’ll wake me up again and FUCK THAT NOISE.

    The mom in me was reticent. The smart-ass in me wanted to text back and say: Oops. Sorry. My bad.

    The “mom” fortunately won that round.

    I love the dialogs between you and your son. You have a smart and witty boy, but I think you already know that. In another era you two would have made a great vaudeville routine.

    • I agree on texting. It has the back and forth of a conversation and the satisfaction of a word search, all in one. It IS so convenient too. I love that exchange with you and your son. I haven’t heard that expression, I don’t think.
      Now I have a new refrain for the alarm clock going off in the morning, thanks!

      • Where I grew up (northern NY state, near Canada) everyone used that expression. I hadn’t thought about it in a long while, and then Le Clown wrote a piece entitled Fuck That Noise and it reminded me that I hadn’t heard anyone use that term in a years. Then I wondered if maybe it was a regional thing. So I asked my son, while I was thinking about, figuring he’d get that text in the morning. I forgot that he keeps the phone by his bed because and that it buzzes when he gets a text – and keeps buzzing until he reads it.

        I’m thrilled to have added something to your person lexicon.

        • Hey Wild Words,

          I used it one morning when my cat knocked over my coffee mug. Which happened to be brimming with fresh roasted goodness. The cat was fine, my coffee (and mug), not so much. So I belted it out, “Fuck that noise!”. It helped salve the loss.

          Thanks for gifting me an addition to my verbal wardrobe.

  5. Awesome stuff, Cayman. I’m not a big texter, myself. I still use email as my main mode of communication. I think it’s because I have trouble navigating phone keypads. I’m too accustomed to typing the traditional way. I have so much to learn.

  6. These are awesome. What a great post! It sounds like you have such a good relationship with your son. Your sense of humor, and his, definitely come through. I love it! I’m sure you’d prefer actual conversations, but with kids these days sometimes texts are a conversation. My youngest cousin is in her second year of college and 99.9% of the time texts are all I get.

    • Guat,

      I am so the texter now. I never imagined I would be feeling it, but I do. I just imagine the voices I’m texting at, and it works fine. You’re right, in this new world, you either get used to texting or you find a deserted island and bring a volleyball named Wilson.

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