I recently entered the modern age when I added texting to my plan. With my son away at Richmond U., it’s a good thing I did since it’s the easiest (only) way to get in touch with him sometimes.
Here are a few of my favorite exchanges from his first month in school.
Son: Don’t tell Ari but I had six slices of pizza tonight!!!
Father: You’re THAT scared of your little sister! Wuss! Btw . . don’t tell her about the sub I had for lunch, cool?
Father: Why am I watching Va Tech v Bama?
Son: Because you have no life?
Father: No, that’s not it.
Son: Because you’re drinking?
Son: Because you want something to bitch about?
These texts happened during the Richmond Spiders home opener vs VMI
Son: VMI has a case of arachnophobia!
Father: Did school paper go to press yet! That’s front page headline b’ness baby!
Son: Umm, maybe not.
Father: Are you kidding me? It’s gold . . gold!
Son: You should hear the obscenity filled chants. No imagination.
Father: How fucking ignorant! I hate fucking obscenities!
Son: Ha ha, It reminds me of the family Christmas parties we used to have!
Father: Hope u have a good day.
Son: Thanks! Hope you learn how to spell
Father: Don’t hate on the brevity thing.
Son: I’m not hating on brevity. I’m hating on “U”
Father: Ur funny.
Son: I won’t recognize “U”
Father: Ur loss!
Father: I’m thinking I made my best mac and cheese yet
Son: You tell me this why?
Father: To elicit melancholy
Son: I want a divorce
Father: Read Macaulay Culkin’s auto-biography for reference, Amazon’s selling it for a quarter
Father: Slept on recliner. . . Shhhh . . .IT!
Father: Cat was hogging the pillows
Son: Who owns who?
Father: I’ll get back to you on that
Son: I did my own laundry and it turned out perfectly!
Father: And they say kids aren’t learning anything in college….pfft!
Father: Made a wager with Big Papi that he couldn’t find Syria on a map
Son: What was the wager?
Father: A six of Sam which I am presently enjoying
Father: Hey, haven’t heard from you in a few days. Everything good?
Son: Sorry, been too busy experimenting with drugs to call
With all the texting I’ve been doing lately, the dreams I’ve been having as a result? Not good . . .