One of the fun features of that blog I used to call my playground were the fake interviews I used to ‘conduct’ with real celebrities. Britney Spears was our unofficial poster girl, and this post quickly became a fan favorite back in the time of W. Anyways, I edited out the old blog name and replaced it with CT, but truth be told . . I don’t believe Cayman would ever have stooped this low. It’s not his style. Not any more it ain’t.
I’m busy getting lost inside the gated community of Summit Circle in search of Britney Spears’ Tuscany style Beverly Hills mansion. As I cruise along, out of the corner of my eye, I spot Gwen Stefani. No, it’s a mail carrier. This is why you live in Summit Circle, or someplace like it. Not for the Jacuzzi in every bathroom, or the indoor tennis courts. You live here because your mail is delivered up by someone who looks like Gwen Stefani. It’s even money the newspaper delivery girl is the spitting image of Shania Twain. This is Shangri-La.
I spot Britney’s place. I know it’s Britney’s because it’s the only mansion with a couple of recliners and a wading pool sitting in the front yard. She has the place up on the market after only owning it for a couple of months. Oh, to be a rich young hillbilly.
CT: You’ve had quite a week. Three times detox, a shaved head, a few tats. Do you ever think to yourself, there just aren’t enough hours in the day?
Spears: I did the twelve steps.
CT: How is that going?
Spears: It’s really confusing. Did you know the twelve steps aren’t actually steps at all?
CT: No WAY!
CT: I feel like a drink.
Spears: Me too. I have wine coolers.
CT: What about the steps?
Spears: Wine coolers and beer don’t count.
CT: Bring me two, please.
Britney brushes past me, leaving a mysterious residue on my sleeve. I notice she isn’t wearing panties. I wonder if STD’s can bleed through a shirt and enter your bloodstream.
Spears: Two wine coolers for you.
CT: And what is that you’re drinking?
Spears: Mmmmm, a screwdriver. Want one?
CT: In a few minutes. But I thought you said wine coolers and beer only.
Spears: No, I said wine coolers and beer don’t count. Neither does any drink that goes with a breakfast beverage. By law, bars and restaurants can’t serve you up anything that is harmful to you.
CT: Tell that to Applebee’s.
Spears: You’re silly. I think I’m falling in love with you. Do you like kids?
CT: Speaking of, where are yours?
She rips her shirt open and her breasts come out to play. They are a curiously appealing blend of Mother Nature’s milk money and better living through science.
CT: I was talking about your kids.
Spears: With who?
CT: Where are your kids?
Spears: I don’t have kids.
CT: Yes, you do. You have two of them.
Spears: Do you still love me?
Spears: I sent them out for some beer.
CT: By themselves?
Spears: Now what do you take me for? Of course, by themselves. Like I’m gonna let them go with a stranger.
CT: Alright, aside from the fact they have no idea where they’re going and they can’t communicate with anyone to help them . . . say they did make it to the store before becoming Greta Van Susteren’s lead story for the next two months. They’re not legal.
Spears: Don’t you think the people at the store know that? That’s why they’ll sell them alcohol. They know the kids aren’t old enough to drink it.
I am beginning to see the Kentucky logic to this convoluted matrimony of thoughts and words. It’s like a playground game: Talent beats luck, trailer park beats talent.
CT: Justin Timberlake has referred to you as his own personal Vietnam. He says you were “a relationship malfunction” on his part and that if he would have stayed with you, he would have been the one doing that Nationwide commercial with the fry cook and not K-Fed. How do you respond to that?
Spears: Okay, first of all I think it’s horrible for him to talk about Vietnam when we’re in the middle of a war there. And I broke it off with him, not the other way around. I love Justin, but he’s a real asshole.
CT: So no hard feelings?
Spears: If I found out he died in a horrible car accident, I would have no hard feelings.
CT: Do you have any regrets as far as how your life has spiraled into this slow motion train wreck?
Spears: I love slow motion, I love trains. So I guess not.
CT: Is that actually an answer?
Spears: What are we talking about?
CT: It doesn’t really matter, does it?
Spears: (Blushing) Nah, I guess not. It’s time for breakfast, isn’t it?
CT: Yeah, in Hawaii. It’s closing in on one in the afternoon here.
Spears: Oh, not breakfast time yet. I’m usually never up this early. I wonder if I have any more pop tarts.
CT: Share with me the experience of being a part of that unholy trinity, along with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.
Spears: Paris is a whore and Lindsay’s an alcoholic.
CT: So what you’re saying is, you have taken a little something from both of those relationships.
Spears: I have.
CT: What do you think of Bush?
Spears: I don’t go that way anymore. It was just a growth spurt I was going through. I’m cured.
CT: President Bush.
Spears: I don’t trust her at all. I know it’s not fair to blame her for things her husband did, but I can’t believe she didn’t know about the cigars. I feel bad that her husband was killed in Dallas, though.
CT: It’s President George Bush, you know this.
Spears: Right, he’s the guy with the short cropped blond hair and the Hitler mustache.
CT: No, that’s Hillary.
Spears: Who was killed in Dallas?
CT: John F. Kennedy.
Spears: No, he was killed in that airplane by the Russians on 9/11.
CT: Your grasp of world events is frightening.
Spears: Thank you. I really try to keep informed, you know? I want to know more about the world around me. Like, did you know if you put a hair dryer in a breadbasket, it lasts twice as long?
CT: Isn’t that bread?
Spears: I’m hungry. Want something to eat?
CT: One last question and then I’ll let you get to your Spaghetti-O’s.
Spears: Hurry, it’s almost time for Oprah.
CT: If you could go back and do anything over, what would you do?
Spears: Barack Obama.
Hey, I never said we were writing Shakespeare all the time.
So now Britney is all grown up, again. And I’m still pretending I don’t listen to her stuff. But if I were to pick a song of hers that I might consider listening to this morning . . it probably would be this one right here. Yeah, I would probably go heavy rotation on it . . telling Britney to just hit me baby . . one more time.