I sit in the living room of Miley’s Studio City rancher and take in my surroundings, sinking into an expansive white leather sofa that requires a GPS. I slip off my shoes and run my toes in the marshmallow fluff-style rug as I look out over the pool.
My big toe catches on to something soft and wet and for a brief, torturous moment, I believe I’ve hooked a condom. It’s a marshmallow. The entire rug . . made of marshmallows. Well, color me Willy Fucking Wonka. I grab a couple and sit back to munch on them when a piece of artwork on the far wall grabs my attention. Its earth toned contrast to the stark white walls pulls me in and I’m almost certain it’s a Diebenkorn. Upon closer inspection, I discover its true identity: Graham crackers. I break off a chunk and lay the marshmallows inside of it before moving back to the sofa where I add a chocolate bar from the bowl on the coffee table.
I’m enjoying what is likely to be the best part of the Miley interview when I notice a life size mannequin of Larry King in the corner. Or at least, I think it’s a mannequin . . .
Miley: Hey bitch! Yer eating my artwork!
CT: I’m sorry.
Miley: Chillax . . .that’s what it’s there for, dude. Hold on . . .
Miley returns with an EZ-Bake Oven.
CT: Thank you?
Miley: Munchies are an important part of my diet.
CT: Lemme guess, weed is the other important part.
Miley: HOW . . . didyouknowthat?!
CT: It’s my job.
She plops down on the sofa in her olive green tankini with a neon colored marijuana leaf and snatches a couple of marshmallows from the rug to munch on.
Miley: What am I thinking right now?
Miley: Holy shit! Thisisparanormalscaryshitcrazy! Okay, rightnow!
CT: Monster trucks.
Miley: Yes again! Now?
CT: Rasslin’ matches at the local armory.
Miley: You are seriouslyfreakingme . . . . . . out! Like Jesus in a cape! Can I buy you?
CT: Only in my nightmares. But seriously, Miley . .thank you for the sit down.
Miley: Wait. I thought this was an interview.
CT: It is.
Miley: (Laughing) You call it a sit down? Where are you from?
Miley: Americans talk fun-EE.
CT: You’re an American.
Miley: Wrong. I was born in Nashville.
CT: I stand corrected.
CT: It’s an expression.
Miley: Wait, no . . an expression is where you drive when you’re in a hurry.
CT: That’s an express lane.
Miley: Bro, puh–leeze.
CT: I’ll be sure to keep things painfully literal . . for you.
Miley: What’s literal mean?
CT: Its . . .
Miley: An expression they use in America, am I right? I sooo want to learn to speak American.
CT: Try Rosetta Stone.
Miley: Who’s she?
CT: Let’s talk about your career?
Miley: Yeah, I have been doin’ a lotta thinkin’ about that. Maybe I can be a pilot for flying saucers, or I could solve crimes with Abby at NCIS . .
CT: You have a career, Miley . . the singing one?
Miley: Oooooohhhh yea. You mean the one I have now. Is that what you mean when you say you’re gonna be literal? Like, right now is literal? So what’s later?
CT: Doesn’t matter.
CT: Close enough and let’s move on. Gloria Steinem recently came out in defense of the methods you have used in furthering your brand. In light of the criticism you’ve endured, does it help to know that a feminist icon is on your side?
Miley: (Her giggle turns snort and then guffaw) Duuuuuuude–aahh! I have NO idea what you’re talking about . You are seriously harshing my mellow.
Miley disappears momentarily before returning with a smoldering blunt in one hand and an astronaut helmet in the other. She places the helmet on her head and flips the shield up before going all Marley.
CT: What’s up?
Miley: Well Mr Smart Talker, not me. You’re forcing me to get my Sandra Bullock on with a ‘lil gravity gravy. Hey! Wanna be George Clooney? I got another helmet!
CT: I’m keeping my feet on the ground and away from TMZ, but thanks anyway.
Miley: Yer loss, boss.
CT: Okay, let’s switch gears. Growing up, your musical influences read like country music royalty. Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn. Tell me about that.
Miley: Yeah, I was definitely under the influence a lot as a kid.
CT: What was the first record you had in your collection?
Miley: Bought or stolen?
CT: Okay, I’m game. Both. What was the first record you bought, and what was the first record you stole?
Miley: The first record I bought was Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time. And it was also the first one I stole.
CT: Did you buy it first?
Miley: Oh . . ma God ofcoursenot! I stole it first so I would know whether it was worth buying. Then I paid it forward.
CT: That’s an American expression, pay it forward.
Miley: I know some American! Waa waa wait! Lemme text Daddy! Okay, done. He’s gonna buy me a car, I just know it! I want that car Michael J. Fox invented in the time machine movie.
CT: A DeLorean.
Miley: Whaaaat? That’s my Aunt’s name! DeLorean Presley Phillips the Last. Do ya think she’s like tha owner of that company? Here I thought the only thing she owned was a double wide and a rap sheet.
CT: Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Miley: I wanna be President. I think it would be really fun to make speeches in a Rose Garden, help out superheroes and wear suits and be married to a woman. Plus, it would be super cool, traveling for free.
CT: While it hasn’t proved to be a requisite over the last twelve years, don’t you need to be well versed in domestic and foreign affairs to be President?
Miley: I know what domestic means, and I’m really good at board games. I can do laundry. And I had a foreign affair with Liam Hemsworth.
CT: Maybe you’re overqualified.
Miley: Is that another one of those expression thingies?
CT: It’s more like sarcasm.
Miley: Sarcasm . . . I laaaaaak that. America is smarter than the baby my Daddy would have with Einstein, if he was gay.
CT: If Einstein was gay?
Miley: Noooo! If ma’ Daddy was gay, silly head interview man! Einstein was not gay, he was born before gayness was invented. Anyways, I wanna visit America so . . bad.
CT: Can’t wait. And hey, we’ve got plenty of Thorazine on hand for the occasion.
Miley: Are you making fun of me?
CT: Currently? . . no.
Miley: Are you communist?
CT: Not since Reagan scared me straight.
Miley: I HATE communists. We used to hunt for ’em when I was a kid. Good times.
CT: You hunted communists? Like McCarthy? Or like Rambo?
Miley: Uh, McCarthy was in the Beatles, helloooo! We used to hunt communists like Rambo, yea.
CT: You shot them?
Miley: Deader ‘an disco.
CT: That’s illegal, you do realize . . .
Miley: To be a communist . . hell’s bells yes it is!
CT: How did you . . procure these communists?
Miley: (She tilts her head sideways) Umm, speak Tennessee when you’re in ‘ma house.
CT: Oh, sorry. How did you ‘git ’em?
Miley: We would look for ’em in coffee shops, bookstores. Lattes and learnin’, that’s how they roll.
CT: So Barnes and Noble was one stop shopping for you guys.
Miley: Wait. Is this on the record?
CT: You want it to be off the record?
Miley: What’s the one where if you repeat anything I say, I’m allowed to kill you?
CT: Well, off the record means your secret is safe with me.
Miley: Let’s go with that one then.
CT: Alright, some word association.
Miley: Word association . .is that how you say library in American?
CT: I give you a word, you tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Miley: I remember my momma telling me about this! Like, when she told my Daddy she was pregnant with me? OhmaGod . . .
CT: What was the first thing that popped into his head, did she tell you that?
Miley: Well, first thing he said was Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Then he blamed himself for buying condoms at a pawn shop. Then he said life was never gonna be the same with me around.
CT: I shall dub him Nostradamus of Nashville.
Miley: Who’s she?
CT: Alright, I’ll say a word and you go with the first thought that pops in your head. Just like you did on the SAT.
Miley: What’s that?
CT: A college admissions test.
Miley: Is that like where you admit all the crazy shit you did in college?
CT: Not even close.
Miley: How do ya spell it?
CT: Exactly. Okay . . . here we go. Government shut down.
Miley: (Giggling) Government shut up!
Miley: He really, really does. He’sarockstar.
Miley: (Snort giggling) Boner
Miley: Boehner! No, no wait! Obamacare!
CT: Ooohh, so close. The answer is both. Thanks for the time, Miley.