I did something last weekend that I’ve only done one other time in my life. Don’t worry, this post has absolutely nothing to do with that trip I took to Vegas as a born again bachelor back in ’05.
No, I went to see a movie by myself.
Seeing as how I can be quite the solitary individual, I should have no problem flying solo with my cinematic experience. It’s like going to a coffee shop alone. Or dining by myself. As cool as these things look when I see other people doing them . . I never do them.
If it wasn’t for Sandra Bullock’s timeless sexy and George Clooney’s soothing baritone voice, I wouldn’t have gone to see Gravity by myself last weekend, either. But I’m glad I did. Not only because I loved the movie, but because it opened up a whole new world to me. Going solo at the movies. Which . . I was going to treat myself to doing last night until I checked out the listings. After which I ended up staying home and watching Halloween . . . the one without Michael Myers.
And here’s why . . .
The Fifth Estate- I still can’t pronounce Assange. It’d be too awkward if someone asked me how it was and I kept referring to him as “That Julian guy with the hair,”
Machete Kills- I didn’t read the book. I would be soooo lost.
Captain Phillips- I already know the whole story. Tom Hanks’s character WISHES he could find a deserted island.
Runner Runner- This isn’t a movie, it’s a reality show starring Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck. Right?
Grace Unplugged- An inspirational movie about a Christian singer who goes to LA. Because . . that never happens.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs- A grown man doesn’t go to a kid’s movie by himself unless he’s Chris Hansen.
Carrie- Eh, I can’t help thinking the best thing about this one will be that sensational coffee shop promo.
Escape Plan- Wait a minute . . I’m supposed to believe Stallone’s character is the ‘world’s foremost authority on structural security’? I’m still trying to warm up to the idea Stallone wrote Rocky.
See what I mean?
Anyways, I thought I would imagine the Kanye West/Kim Kardashian engagement as per the silver screen. And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll stop reading this post right now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Kim is a businesswoman (according to her) whose life consists of family drama, five hour lunches and a Coach bag collection the size of Montana. Kanye is the biggest rock star in the world (according to him) whose Q rating is in the tank after losing an ill advised war with a late night talk show host.
In a crazy attempt to win the girl of his dreams (according to his publicist), Kanye rents out AT&T Park in San Francisco and presents Kim with a flawless 15 carat diamond ring.
Will Kim say yes, or will she hold out for a real diamond? Will Kanye remain faithful through dinner? Will America ever forgive the Giants for not making it to the World Series and thereby canceling out this over the top proposal? Will Lamar Odom show up to the reception? With Kobe or without? Will Bruce Jenner’s face make it to the big day? Will the FED be forced to print more money in order to keep up with the wedding registry? Will Jimmy Kimmel’s writers send the biggest gift? Will the divorce have any chance of living up to the proposal?
For everyone who believes that love conquers all, this story will change your mind.
Kanye- Robert Downey Jr.
Kim- Seymour Hoffman
Kris Jenner- Michael Shannon
Bruce Jenner- Joan Rivers
Jimmy Kimmel- Himself
Kourtney- Meg Griffin
Piers Morgan- Captain Morgan