The Walking Dead Halftime Show (Terry Bradshaw not included)

walking deadI was drawn to Walking Dead from the get. A television series with zombies, and Bruce Jenner isn’t starring? Count me in! So, as I look ahead to season five, I’m thinking up some dirty deed story lines, done discount. Don’t worry, there’s not a spoiler alert to be had in this post. Just some ideas on what I’d like to see happen in the best end of the world television series since Joe Millionaire. 

I knew this show was missing out when it came to cool rides when Dale was driving around in a ’73 Winnebago back in season one. Shit, you’re not making it out alive if you try bringing a ’73 Winnebago on the Jersey Turnpike right now. What made these people think it was a good idea to tug around a mobile strip center on wheels with flesh eating motorists riding their bumper? It’s a Zombie Apocalypse people . . . trade up!

And so what happens when they take my advice? A Hyundai Tuscon. Which is fine if you live in Stamford, Connecticut. Sooo . . . next season, Rick trades up by jacking Ted Turner’s bulletproof Hummer. He beheads Zombie Jane Fonda in a gruesome twenty minute battle sequence that is scarier than Monster In Law. Carl has an extensive gun collection and he’s not afraid to use them, but that doesn’t mean he gets to take the Hummer out on Saturday nights.

Carol returns in a VW bus replete with a Peace emblem affixed to the front and a “God Bless the Whole World, Except Zombies” bumper sticker on the back. A gun turret in lieu of a sun roof . . done. The sexy zombie slayer opens a youth camp. After which the homicide rate in the area drops precipitously.

Seeing as how I’m not ready to let go of Spaghetti Tuesdays on Wednesdays, we find out that Herschel had an identical twin, Ned. A former hitting coach for the Atlanta Braves, Ned possesses an uber important skill set for the zombie apocalypse. He can swing a bat, and he’s familiar with no win situations.

Meanwhile, Daryl is in a funk without Carol around. This is a good dude and he deserves a Barry White collection, and a reason to use it. While out scavenging for new and exciting ways to make jerky, he meets the lovely Katniss (Why not?). They shack up at a Bass Pro Shops store.

And hey . . remember those murderous little rascals who took out Alicia? We find out their blood lust wasn’t all Carol’s doing, after all. They’re Kate Gosselin’s kids! Which would explain why they’re so pissed off.

Maggie opens a Dojo and gains a huge following (with the living). She teaches Zombiato- a martial art which specializes in displacing an attacker’s brain from the rest of their body without using a weapon. Glenn becomes one of the first tycoons of the zombie apocalypse by introducing a simple yet unique currency which draws speculators in droves thanks to its ability to stand the test of time- the McDonald’s french fry.

And as fellow Walking Dead fan Christie from Words for the Weekend pointed out, we never did see the Governor actually die in the mid-season finale. If he does return at some point (Read: Morrissey’s pilot doesn’t catch on), that means his gal pal Lily let him off the hook. So you better believe he put a ring on it, after which we learn the one thing that can tame a beast. Marriage. And that’s where the Governor becomes Brian for good, and Brian ain’t gonna have time for zombie aquariums is what I’m saying. (Personally, I knew the Governor was too hot headed to last very long. Nihilists are better suited to big time sports and Congressional positions than to playing boss at the end of the world.)

The group meets up at a Stuckey’s and heads to Washington, where it comes face to face with its next conflict: Obama-care.


37 thoughts on “The Walking Dead Halftime Show (Terry Bradshaw not included)

  1. I love your take on Carol. Man, she has evolved as a character, hasn’t she? From timid mouse to zombie (and soon-to-be-zombie) slayer. I think they definitely left the door open for the guv’nor to come back–he probably asked the producers for a raise. “Raise? You want a raise? We can just off you off instead…”

    I was going to ask you to write a little something for our zombie theme, but you beat me to it. The show returns Sunday, Feb. 9, so I think Jennie and I will time the post (and playlist) perfectly on Feb. 8.

  2. You know I’m a total TV Junkie, but I hope I don’t disappoint you when I tell you I have yet to watch it. I know. I know. It’s on my No.#1 Network too. I didn’t catch it when it first came out because like the McFly that I am … I am not too fond of horror/scary shows. They freak me out. I can deal with mobsters, biker gangs, and SVU crime shows, but for some reason Zombie type shows scare the crap out of me. I haven’t seen Exorcist and I still haven’t seen American Horror Story and I hear that one is amazing. But since you gave it your thumbs up, I might be brave on this one and put it on my Netflix.

    • Cali,

      Are you kidding me? You’re talking to the master of horrible considering the traffic jam of ‘Must See’ varietals I have shushed away. I would never push you to face your fears. Believe you me…it took almost thirty years before I was ready to face down Linda Blair and her pea soup devilish diva act.
      Go there, don’t go there. As far as I’m concerned, you’re a rock star either way.

    • If zombie shows creep you out, skip The Walking Dead. Seriously. I’m not easily creeped, but I still avert my eyes a minimum of three times every show. And, honestly, the acting sucks, but people don’t watch for the acting. I watch for research purposes and Georgia scenery. And the music. The music is outstanding.

  3. Not only am I not into the zombie craze, I didn’t know this show existed. Oh well … cheers to your Fins are taking care of the Steelers …. (although the ending was something) …. good luck on the Wild Card push.

  4. I have no time for television that isn’t appropriate for children under the age of 10. 😉 But love the post. If I had time to watch it, your post convinces me to give it a try.

    • Bahstan- You are such a brat. The TV and movie fare for the 10 and under sect is way more fun in 2013 than it was back when I was thinking on such a thing. I remember going to a Pokemon movie. To borrow from Mark Twain? It was the longest lifetime I ever spent inside of an hour and a half.

  5. Oh my god, the Governor better not come back. Why would Christy even SAY such a thing. NO. Though secretly I love him; I love to loathe him. Shhh, don’t tell anyone.

    I LOVED this! Katniss and Daryl, I’d like to see that version! Make it so! 😉

    • C.K.- You are the perfect partner in crime for that Georgia gal, tell you what. Hey . . I love the idea of the Gov returning. And not for the one eyed monster jokes I can scavenge out of such a thing. Well . . not entirely.

      • Oh yes! You should really entertain us with the tale of Daryl and Katniss every Sunday until Feb. when the show returns so us Walking Dead fans don’t go nuts with no zombie tales! 😉

        • Well, I like Daryl and I love the Katniss character being as how I’m a big Hunger Games fan. I never fancied myself a matchmaker, but I think I hit a . . . bulls eye . . . with this one.

          • Bulls eye, very punny 😉 I adore the thought of Daryl and Katniss, that’s a brilliant match in my opinion!

            I love the Hunger Games as well. I figured the series for just another “teen” story when they first came out until my older daughter shoved the first book in my face and said, “No seriously, Mom, this you’ll LOVE. It’s your type of story”. It’s good when your kids know you lol

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