I was drawn to Walking Dead from the get. A television series with zombies, and Bruce Jenner isn’t starring? Count me in! So, as I look ahead to season five, I’m thinking up some dirty deed story lines, done discount. Don’t worry, there’s not a spoiler alert to be had in this post. Just some ideas on what I’d like to see happen in the best end of the world television series since Joe Millionaire.
I knew this show was missing out when it came to cool rides when Dale was driving around in a ’73 Winnebago back in season one. Shit, you’re not making it out alive if you try bringing a ’73 Winnebago on the Jersey Turnpike right now. What made these people think it was a good idea to tug around a mobile strip center on wheels with flesh eating motorists riding their bumper? It’s a Zombie Apocalypse people . . . trade up!
And so what happens when they take my advice? A Hyundai Tuscon. Which is fine if you live in Stamford, Connecticut. Sooo . . . next season, Rick trades up by jacking Ted Turner’s bulletproof Hummer. He beheads Zombie Jane Fonda in a gruesome twenty minute battle sequence that is scarier than Monster In Law. Carl has an extensive gun collection and he’s not afraid to use them, but that doesn’t mean he gets to take the Hummer out on Saturday nights.
Carol returns in a VW bus replete with a Peace emblem affixed to the front and a “God Bless the Whole World, Except Zombies” bumper sticker on the back. A gun turret in lieu of a sun roof . . done. The sexy zombie slayer opens a youth camp. After which the homicide rate in the area drops precipitously.
Seeing as how I’m not ready to let go of Spaghetti Tuesdays on Wednesdays, we find out that Herschel had an identical twin, Ned. A former hitting coach for the Atlanta Braves, Ned possesses an uber important skill set for the zombie apocalypse. He can swing a bat, and he’s familiar with no win situations.
Meanwhile, Daryl is in a funk without Carol around. This is a good dude and he deserves a Barry White collection, and a reason to use it. While out scavenging for new and exciting ways to make jerky, he meets the lovely Katniss (Why not?). They shack up at a Bass Pro Shops store.
And hey . . remember those murderous little rascals who took out Alicia? We find out their blood lust wasn’t all Carol’s doing, after all. They’re Kate Gosselin’s kids! Which would explain why they’re so pissed off.
Maggie opens a Dojo and gains a huge following (with the living). She teaches Zombiato- a martial art which specializes in displacing an attacker’s brain from the rest of their body without using a weapon. Glenn becomes one of the first tycoons of the zombie apocalypse by introducing a simple yet unique currency which draws speculators in droves thanks to its ability to stand the test of time- the McDonald’s french fry.
And as fellow Walking Dead fan Christie from Words for the Weekend pointed out, we never did see the Governor actually die in the mid-season finale. If he does return at some point (Read: Morrissey’s pilot doesn’t catch on), that means his gal pal Lily let him off the hook. So you better believe he put a ring on it, after which we learn the one thing that can tame a beast. Marriage. And that’s where the Governor becomes Brian for good, and Brian ain’t gonna have time for zombie aquariums is what I’m saying. (Personally, I knew the Governor was too hot headed to last very long. Nihilists are better suited to big time sports and Congressional positions than to playing boss at the end of the world.)
The group meets up at a Stuckey’s and heads to Washington, where it comes face to face with its next conflict: Obama-care.