For those who doth protest too much? Duck!

Duck DynastyYanno, I was dubious on the name of this show to begin with. Duck Dynasty seemed just a tad bit incongruous. I mean, the idea that a back woods business that strikes oil gets to be called a dynasty? Hell, the creators of The Beverly Hillbillies knew better than to throw dynasty into the title, and they were writing fiction.

Ming had a dynasty. The Celtics, Canadiens and Yankees . . them too. The Corleone Family, now that was a dynasty. At least until Fredo met Johnny Ola and Michael went heavy on the brill cream and Georges Sorel. Even the Clintons can be considered a dynasty, seeing as how Hil and Bill are still a powerful brand on the political street.

The dudes of beards and ducks? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a finely gotten place these boys have achieved. It’s good stuff, the American dream stuff, even. And it might be a good show we’re talking about here. A friend of mine insists that it’s “a great show”. Personally, I think my friend needs to get a hobby that doesn’t have anything to do with television viewing.

Whatevs, since the numbers tell me I’m wrong enough. The mind boggling ratings for Duck Dynasty are keeping the Nielsen Family off the couch (or is it on the couch?). Viewers can’t get enough of whatever it is these people are doing. And while I have no blessed idea what this show is about, I’m thinking ducks. I’m also fairly certain that every day is Casual Friday. And I know they don’t talk like Yankees, and judging by all the facial hair, they don’t work for the Yankees either.

That’s all I know, and that’s all I was ever gonna know. Until Phil Robertson decided he was going to disparage gay people in his GQ interview.

My first reaction to this story was that it must be a slow news month if the best interview GQ could score looks as if he’s a ZZ Top roadie. What? Tom Brady was still Christmas shopping for Giselle? Robert Downey was too busy counting his money? Christian Bale was still rebounding from that Dark Knight thing? Johnny Depp was trying to communicate with the spirit of Keith Richards via Skype?

Of course, I shouldn’t damn someone for looking different. Just as Phil Robertson shouldn’t be shocked by his suspension from A&E when he says stupid shit, like this . . .

“It seems like, to me, a vagina . . as a man . . would be more desirable than a man’s anus. . . That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

Okay, so he ain’t Shakespeare. But oh wait, there’s more . . .

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine,  . . .  Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” 

Are you light headed yet? It’s okay, that just means your brain cells are committing suicide. So here’s more . .

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says it’s unfair how Miley Cyrus can twerk on national TV, but poor Phil gets the boot just for speaking his mind. I like Bobby, but this is a piss poor comparison. Miley’s ass dance is suggestive in nature, whereas Robertson’s rant is quite declarative. And if that wasn’t enough, Sarah Palin came down from her tree-house (great view of Russia, by the way) long enough to declare that free speech is getting crapped on. Okay. Well this . . um, this ain’t a free speech thing. This is an ignorant speech thing.

Robertson wasn’t imprisoned for speaking his mind, so let’s not make him into the backwoods version of Nelson Mandela now. He was suspended from a television show. Shows rely on networks who in turn rely on sponsors. As such, Robertson’s starring role is a privilege, it’s not a right. He can believe in whatever the hell he feels like believing in, but if he wants to keep on cashing a TV paycheck, it’s really simple. Stop playing Bible bully with other people’s anatomy, and stop saying stupid shit!

Top 5 Bible Bullies whose piety had pimples

Jim Baker- The best thing about marriage? The mistress. 
Tammy Baker- Jesus died so she could buy cosmetics
Ted Haggard- He so detested homosexuals that he rubbed them out. 
Larry Craig- His stance on homosexuality? Wide. 
Jimmy Swaggart- “Dear God, I’ll never do it again. At least not today.”

It’s interesting to note that Robertson is a born again Christian. Which is another way of saying that back in the day, he fucked up big time. One of the perks of coming to the Jesus Party late is that you can proselytize as if you’ve had your 12 Apostle certification from the get. You get to warn others about sin, seeing as how you’re an expert on the subject. The Seven Deadly Sins? You used to call that Tuesday.

Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of Phil. Maybe he’ll gift the public one of those legally generated apologies that begins with “If I offended anyone . .”. Or maybe he’ll do the talk show circuit with his sensitivity coach riding shotgun. Or maybe he’ll just go rogue, ditch the TV gig and become a regular on the Rush Limbaugh show.

I pray to God he doesn’t end up in a mug shot wearing a mini-skirt. Who among us could tolerate that?


21 thoughts on “For those who doth protest too much? Duck!

  1. For the life of me I could never understand how a pack of ignorant, hairy people who hit it with duck calls captured the American fancy. What a joke. Your observation on ignorant speech is dead on. I’ll just bet if someone got up and said three weeks ago Phil was a dirty looking, born again, back woods hippy the outcry would have been thunderous. So Phil, you should take a big cup of shut the fuck up and simply go away. Mr. Thorn, you’ve done it again. A rant worth the digital code with which it was written. Merry Christmas, happy holiday, and New Year too.

  2. I love your rants because, not only do I agree with you, they are funny as hell. I’ve never seen Robertson’s show, nor do I plan to. Hell, I didn’t even know who he was when the buzz about him started. And even though I eventually stumbled upon the quotes you include, but I had no idea they came from an interview for GQ. GQ?!? WTF.

    I’d forgotten about Larry Craig and his “wide” stance. Heheheheh. Good one.

    Does anyone not see the irony in the fact that A&E originally stood for Arts and Entertainment when most of the crap it shows now are neither?

    Quack, quack and happy holidays, Mr. Thorn.

    • And that was another thing that made me shake my head . . . of all the networks, from Discovery to Outdoor to the Beef Jerky Channel (There’s a beef jerky channel, right?) . . how in the hell does this show wind up on Arts and Entertainment? What? C-Span turned it down? I don’t get it.

  3. Although you’re probably right I really hope we have heard the last of this idiot Phil. He’s a self centered, ignorant. low life who’s getting way too much attention. If all those who watch this inane excuse for entertainment STILL tune in to watch after what this hollow, assinine moron had to say, then they (the viewers) and Phil deserve each other.
    Frankly Cayman, I’ve spent way too much time talking about him… I’d rather have a root canal than discuss him any further!!!

    • He did this interview with the idea that he was going to be a wise guy, and that he was going to say a few provocative things and everyone was going to laugh, the same way they do at this junkyard show of his. The problem with that idea, is that he doesn’t have anything interesting to say. Hateful and ignorant, yeah, but not interesting.

  4. Mostly I’m just saddened that Duck Dynasty is now a household world.

    And I’m not sure how a&e got to be the bad guy in this. I mean, besides airing the show in the first place…

  5. I tuned in not long ago and the show was off the wall hilarious! They are natural deadpan funny men.
    I am so against anything homophobic and I can see where A&E doesn’t want the views of their reality show to compromise others that may be offended, but I gotta believe this is a first. I think it’s because it boarders on racism.
    There has been a lot of personal damage done on reality shows. One time, I tuned into Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the ex-wife of Kelsey Grammer made a comment about the correlation between a man’s shoe and penis size. She added that in his case they were wrong. He has big feet. OUCH!!!!

  6. Love the difference between free and ignorant speech. I never heard of this show until the recent news … thus the popularity of it is a commentary in itself.

    Reminder … there’s a gift with your name on it at my place.

  7. When you write posts like this, Cayman, I want the subject to stumble across and read it. In this case, Duck Man.

    I get so pissed off at the free speech claim. Free speech does not entitle people to insult others, no matter what his/her opinion might be. He is free to think and say whatever the hell he wants, but if he’s going to do it publicly he needs to do it respectfully. He only did it publicly because of who he is. Does anyone really think he would have said that crap publicly before he was famous? Hell, no. I’m sure he didn’t think his show would be on the line. Wonder what he’s thinking now.

    • Now see? This is where Bahstahn Red Sawx and New York Yankees meet and agree and leave all of the on the field stuff to the statisticians (To which I have been updated that the Red Sox lead 3-1 in the new millennium, thanks for hitting the snooze . . Bambino!).
      Anyways, yes . . and yes some more to your thoughts. Tonight is not about Ducks or distasteful thoughts or any of that other nonsense. Tonight is about thanks. And thank you Bahstahn. For being you. And for being here. And for being a place I come to. Thanks, for all of that.
      And Merry Christmas

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