Yanno, I was dubious on the name of this show to begin with. Duck Dynasty seemed just a tad bit incongruous. I mean, the idea that a back woods business that strikes oil gets to be called a dynasty? Hell, the creators of The Beverly Hillbillies knew better than to throw dynasty into the title, and they were writing fiction.
Ming had a dynasty. The Celtics, Canadiens and Yankees . . them too. The Corleone Family, now that was a dynasty. At least until Fredo met Johnny Ola and Michael went heavy on the brill cream and Georges Sorel. Even the Clintons can be considered a dynasty, seeing as how Hil and Bill are still a powerful brand on the political street.
The dudes of beards and ducks? Not so much. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a finely gotten place these boys have achieved. It’s good stuff, the American dream stuff, even. And it might be a good show we’re talking about here. A friend of mine insists that it’s “a great show”. Personally, I think my friend needs to get a hobby that doesn’t have anything to do with television viewing.
Whatevs, since the numbers tell me I’m wrong enough. The mind boggling ratings for Duck Dynasty are keeping the Nielsen Family off the couch (or is it on the couch?). Viewers can’t get enough of whatever it is these people are doing. And while I have no blessed idea what this show is about, I’m thinking ducks. I’m also fairly certain that every day is Casual Friday. And I know they don’t talk like Yankees, and judging by all the facial hair, they don’t work for the Yankees either.
That’s all I know, and that’s all I was ever gonna know. Until Phil Robertson decided he was going to disparage gay people in his GQ interview.
My first reaction to this story was that it must be a slow news month if the best interview GQ could score looks as if he’s a ZZ Top roadie. What? Tom Brady was still Christmas shopping for Giselle? Robert Downey was too busy counting his money? Christian Bale was still rebounding from that Dark Knight thing? Johnny Depp was trying to communicate with the spirit of Keith Richards via Skype?
Of course, I shouldn’t damn someone for looking different. Just as Phil Robertson shouldn’t be shocked by his suspension from A&E when he says stupid shit, like this . . .
“It seems like, to me, a vagina . . as a man . . would be more desirable than a man’s anus. . . That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”
Okay, so he ain’t Shakespeare. But oh wait, there’s more . . .
“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong. Sin becomes fine, . . . Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”
Are you light headed yet? It’s okay, that just means your brain cells are committing suicide. So here’s more . .
“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal says it’s unfair how Miley Cyrus can twerk on national TV, but poor Phil gets the boot just for speaking his mind. I like Bobby, but this is a piss poor comparison. Miley’s ass dance is suggestive in nature, whereas Robertson’s rant is quite declarative. And if that wasn’t enough, Sarah Palin came down from her tree-house (great view of Russia, by the way) long enough to declare that free speech is getting crapped on. Okay. Well this . . um, this ain’t a free speech thing. This is an ignorant speech thing.
Robertson wasn’t imprisoned for speaking his mind, so let’s not make him into the backwoods version of Nelson Mandela now. He was suspended from a television show. Shows rely on networks who in turn rely on sponsors. As such, Robertson’s starring role is a privilege, it’s not a right. He can believe in whatever the hell he feels like believing in, but if he wants to keep on cashing a TV paycheck, it’s really simple. Stop playing Bible bully with other people’s anatomy, and stop saying stupid shit!
Top 5 Bible Bullies whose piety had pimples
Jim Baker- The best thing about marriage? The mistress.
Tammy Baker- Jesus died so she could buy cosmetics
Ted Haggard- He so detested homosexuals that he rubbed them out.
Larry Craig- His stance on homosexuality? Wide.
Jimmy Swaggart- “Dear God, I’ll never do it again. At least not today.”
It’s interesting to note that Robertson is a born again Christian. Which is another way of saying that back in the day, he fucked up big time. One of the perks of coming to the Jesus Party late is that you can proselytize as if you’ve had your 12 Apostle certification from the get. You get to warn others about sin, seeing as how you’re an expert on the subject. The Seven Deadly Sins? You used to call that Tuesday.
Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of Phil. Maybe he’ll gift the public one of those legally generated apologies that begins with “If I offended anyone . .”. Or maybe he’ll do the talk show circuit with his sensitivity coach riding shotgun. Or maybe he’ll just go rogue, ditch the TV gig and become a regular on the Rush Limbaugh show.
I pray to God he doesn’t end up in a mug shot wearing a mini-skirt. Who among us could tolerate that?