5:31 am- My cat wakes me up with those eyes. I feel like I’m raising a furrier version of Criss Angel. He’s an unrelenting little ninja, with OCD. If he could talk, it might go something like this . .
Mr. Speaker- Wakey wakey, old man! It’s feeding time and this tiger is famished!
Me- What’s with the old man crap? I’m your life line till the girl gets back. And no more Life of Pi for you. Tiger is a little over the top, don’t you think?
Mr. Speaker- I coulda gone with ‘Your Highness’ but it’s a little over the top. Don’t you think?
Me- Sarcasm isn’t your best option here.
Mr. Speaker- Well, Confucius say Empty bowl make for empty words
Me- I’m pretty sure you made that up. Here’s the deal . . . I fix breakfast early, and you don’t bug me for dinner ’till 5 pm sharp.
Mr. Speaker- You won’t hear a peep from me till then . . .
6:30 am- Hmm, steak and eggs or a brisk morning run?
7:04 am- The steak was spot on, I feel like a nap.
8:40 am- My son tells me the iPhone screen protectors I got him aren’t the right ones. I get to go back to the mall tomorrow . . yay me. This wasn’t the best gift idea I’ve ever had.
9:44 am- Skyping with my daughter, who’s in New Mexico for Christmas. She wants to watch Mr. Speaker ‘unwrap’ his presents. Of course, he’s on his best behavior . . . until I sign out of Skype.
11:35 am- Go to see American Hustle. Since I ditched a morning run, I decide to double down with a bucket of popcorn. My son spares me the guilt because after I pass the bucket to him, I never see it again.
Quick Review of American Hustle
There’s the hair, the cars, the clothes, the drinks and smokes and disco and a soundtrack that is something to fall in love with. The logic of such a beautifully flawed time as the seventies is on full display. And if that isn’t enough? There’s Robert DeNiro throwing a perfecto in the cameo I didn’t see coming, Christian Bale’s weighty performance, Jennifer Lawrence moving into the next big thing, Jeremy Renner almost stealing the movie, Bradley Cooper’s slow burn and Amy Adams throwing sexy into fifth gear . . .
1:57 pm- I text my girlfriend since she’s my Amy Adams.Which means to say, tasty.
2:41 pm- Should I really be chasing American Hustle with Insidious?
3:08 pm- Holy shit but Tyler Perry couldn’t mess up a horror movie this badly . . .
3:15 pm- Hmm, Bloody Mary or a brisk afternoon run?
3:30 pm- Just a suggestion, but the only thing I would add to Bobby’s Bloody Mary is a ‘lil horseradish.
4:14 pm- Mr. Speaker lies . . .
4:29 pm- . . . And I’m a pushover.
6:18 pm- The NBA fashionistas did what NBA teams can’t: Make Lebron look silly. Is this ping pong or basketball?
. . . LBJ reminds me it’s still basketball they’re playing. If he’d have stayed in the air any longer, he would have needed clearance to land from LAX.
7:30 pm- My father has to let me know he loves the book I got him- That’s a Fact Jack!. It’s a collection of useless information, and now it’s gonna be the gift that keeps on giving.
7:31 pm- Alright, I knew Charlie Chaplin failed to win a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. But I didn’t know that humans swallow a quart of snot a day and sea slugs have disposable penises. Just goes to prove that a little knowledge is a stupid thing.
7:33 pm- Giving the old man this book AND a bottle of Chivas Regal wasn’t one of my best gift idea moments, let’s put it that way.
8:02 pm- Hey, Mr. Speaker . . you think maybe I can sleep in tomorrow mor . . . ah shit, never mind.
8:40 pm- Ghirardelli’s Intense Dark Hazelnut Heaven? Will you marry me?
9:21 pm- Chasing Insidious with Snowmageddon is not the way to go.
9:44 pm- Turning off the TV before I hurt myself . . is.
10:38 pm- Doris Kearns Goodwin’s The Bully Pulpit should go straight to the National Archives.
11:16 pm- My girlfriend calls to thank me again for the gift I got her. She loves the whole Amy Adams thing and I love that she loves it. As Irving Rosenfeld would say, Hey . . play your part.