Feline Ninjas, Useless facts and Disco lemonade

Amy AdamsThe following takes place on Christmas day.

5:31 am- My cat wakes me up with those eyes. I feel like I’m raising a furrier version of Criss Angel. He’s an unrelenting little ninja, with OCD. If he could talk, it might go something like this . .

Mr. Speaker- Wakey wakey, old man! It’s feeding time and this tiger is famished!

Me- What’s with the old man crap? I’m your life line till the girl gets back. And no more Life of Pi for you. Tiger is a little over the top, don’t you think?

Mr. Speaker- I coulda gone with ‘Your Highness’ but it’s a little over the top. Don’t you think?

Me- Sarcasm isn’t your best option here.

Mr. Speaker- Well, Confucius say Empty bowl make for empty words

Me- I’m pretty sure you made that up. Here’s the deal . . . I fix breakfast early, and you don’t bug me for dinner ’till 5 pm sharp.

Mr. Speaker- You won’t hear a peep from me till then . . .

6:30 am- Hmm, steak and eggs or a brisk morning run?

7:04 am- The steak was spot on, I feel like a nap.

8:40 am- My son tells me the iPhone screen protectors I got him aren’t the right ones. I get to go back to the mall tomorrow . . yay me. This wasn’t the best gift idea I’ve ever had.

9:44 am- Skyping with my daughter, who’s in New Mexico for Christmas. She wants to watch Mr. Speaker ‘unwrap’ his presents. Of course, he’s on his best behavior . . . until I sign out of Skype.

11:35 am- Go to see American Hustle. Since I ditched a morning run, I decide to double down with a bucket of popcorn. My son spares me the guilt because after I pass the bucket to him, I never see it again.

Quick Review of American Hustle

There’s the hair, the cars, the clothes, the drinks and smokes and disco and a soundtrack that is something to fall in love with. The logic of such a beautifully flawed time as the seventies is on full display. And if that isn’t enough? There’s Robert DeNiro throwing a perfecto in the cameo I didn’t see coming, Christian Bale’s weighty performance, Jennifer Lawrence moving into the next big thing, Jeremy Renner almost stealing the movie, Bradley Cooper’s slow burn and Amy Adams throwing sexy into fifth gear . . .

1:57 pm- I text my girlfriend since she’s my Amy Adams.Which means to say, tasty.

2:41 pm- Should I really be chasing American Hustle with Insidious?

3:08 pm- Holy shit but Tyler Perry couldn’t mess up a horror movie this badly . . .

3:15 pm- Hmm,  Bloody Mary or a brisk afternoon run?

3:30 pm- Just a suggestion, but the only thing I would add to Bobby’s Bloody Mary is a ‘lil horseradish.

4:14 pm- Mr. Speaker lies . . .

4:29 pm-   . .  . And I’m a pushover.

6:18 pm- The NBA fashionistas did what NBA teams can’t: Make Lebron look silly. Is this ping pong or basketball?

. . . LBJ reminds me it’s still basketball they’re playing. If he’d have stayed in the air any longer, he would have needed clearance to land from LAX.

7:30 pm- My father has to let me know he loves the book I got him- That’s a Fact Jack!. It’s a collection of useless information, and now it’s gonna be the gift that keeps on giving.

7:31 pm- Alright, I knew Charlie Chaplin failed to win a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. But I didn’t know that humans swallow a quart of snot a day and sea slugs have disposable penises. Just goes to prove that a little knowledge is a stupid thing.

7:33 pm- Giving the old man this book AND a bottle of Chivas Regal wasn’t one of my best gift idea moments, let’s put it that way.

8:02 pm- Hey, Mr. Speaker . . you think maybe I can sleep in tomorrow mor . . . ah shit, never mind. 

8:40 pm- Ghirardelli’s Intense Dark Hazelnut Heaven? Will you marry me?

9:21 pm- Chasing Insidious with Snowmageddon is not the way to go.

9:44 pm- Turning off the TV before I hurt myself . . is.

10:38 pm- Doris Kearns Goodwin’s The Bully Pulpit should go straight to the National Archives.

11:16 pm- My girlfriend calls to thank me again for the gift I got her. She loves the whole Amy Adams thing and I love that she loves it. As Irving Rosenfeld would say, Hey . . play your part.


14 thoughts on “Feline Ninjas, Useless facts and Disco lemonade

  1. I am resisting sleep for worry because I have somewhere to go very early in the AM. I do not like having to get up early. Mr. Speaker is far better off in your care than in mine. He wouldn’t get food from me at that hour. Tell him I said that. Maybe then he’ll appreciate you more.

    I knew about Charlie Chan and the snot thing, but not the penis thing. I will forever picture a sea bed littered with cast off sea slug penises. They should be good for something. (There’s a study someone should undertake.)

    I can’t wait to read about what you get up to on New Year’s Day!

    • He IS lucky that I have morphed into a morning person….I tell him that all the time, but he doesn’t listen. I do think he appreciates me in his own way, but being as he is a cat, I never get to see what way it is.
      As for the sea slug penis graveyard, I KNEW there was a reason I like to swim out until I can’t touch the floor. I never did like having my toes dredge through sand and I refuse to wear any kind of footwear into the water.
      For New Year’s Day, some friends want to go catch a bowl game. I think it’s Michigan State against somebody or other. I’m pretty sure that ain’t happening since it’s not a major game…as in, for the whole enchilada. There are too many bowl games anymore.
      Hope you make it safe and sound to your destination.

  2. I haven’t caught up yet. 5 or 6 hours a night. Today, I was so exhausted, I left half the gourmet treats I made for Christmas in the fridge when we traveled to the mountains. Back to the grocery I go. I’m drinking green tea and hoping for a good night’s sleep. …yawn…
    I hope you had a fab Christmas with everyone! How’s your mom? You didn’t get her slippers, did you?

    • I don’t think I have caught up with sleep since my daughter left for New Mexico. It’s still lapping me, way off in the distance. The other thing is, you make EVERYTHING- from cards to candies to decorations. I get exhausted just thinking about what you do for the holidays.
      Green tea, the more regular consumption of…that is a resolution of mine. Good stuff. I used to really be into it back in the day. A cousin of mine worked at the trade center, and he would venture into Chinatown after work and pick up this fantastic batch of green tea before he came to see me. Good stuff indeed.
      I had a very nice, relaxing Christmas. Tonight, I make the Cuban sandwiches from the leftover pork, can’t wait.
      Thanks for asking on Mom. She’s really good. And no…I didn’t get her slippers. I got her a Mr. Coffee machine (It’s a thing with her) and some Green Bay Packers stuff.
      Have a great weekend.

  3. Lucky…Amy Adams…..lucky. Mr. Speaker sounds like my kind of cat. If I were he I would say I’ll let you sleep and then come sit on your chest and purr like a buzz saw. Sounds like a full day.

  4. So American Hustle was worth seeing then? It’s on my list, as soon as I kick my bug. (Yeah, Santa brought me a cold/plague, but it looks like I’ll live. I’m sure I’m way over the one quart thing–thanks for that info, seriously, LOL) Glad you enjoyed Christmas, and enjoy a Cuban sandwich for me too later.

    • I enjoyed one for you alright, it was delicious. Sorry to hear about your yucky mess of a state, I guess it comes with the calendar. And yes, American Hustle is a good one. I’m not much for the Hobbit movies and Ron Burgundy is someone I can catch on video.
      Get well soon!

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