I understand it’s impolitic to trash talk a famed theoretical physicist whose works will last longer than a McDonald’s french fry. I also understand that honesty seems to be de rigeur among scientists. But for the love of Sheryl Crow, I’m okay with being lied to. Because black holes are one seriously cool shit idea whose fantasy shouldn’t be compromised simply because you have facts to back you up. What’s not to love about taking a spin into my calendar’s back pocket and re-arranging my cosmic furniture, or at the very least, being able to sit in it again? Wormhole covers under which swim galactic do overs? Bazinga!
A Top Five Do Over (Or Do Again) List from Yours Truly
1 through 4- would deal with my kids.
5 - I would have told my History teacher she was the hottest thing on two heels when we shared a moment back in high school. The moment was innocent, since I was seventeen and she was terrific at her job and well adjusted to what right and wrong meant.
But maybe if I would have let her know what I was thinking inside that moment, it would have laid the groundwork for some future tryst. At her place, with some Barry White grooving up the turntable. And maybe there would have been a nice bottle of Chianti involved. Maybe she would have excused herself so that she could slip into something more comfortable than that sophisticated rhapsody of a black skirt she used to wear so well. And maybe I better stop talking about this, because it really makes me want to kick Stephen Hawking’s ass, which would be wrong on so many different levels, if not completely satisfying.
Anyways . . here are a few mysteries of my universe.
Why does the Weather Channel have a porn soundtrack?
Why do I mourn the death of pay phones despite not missing them in the least?
And phone books. We’re still doing that?
Is it rational to believe in elves without believing in Santa?
Why do I have a fear of wicker?
When did the news become something out of a Coen Brothers flick?
Why extended replay for the MLB when games already last longer than the average ’80’s hair band?
Why did I watch Life as We Know It with Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel? And what’s even more unforgivable than that question is this one . . How did I end up loving it? I mean, seriously laughing at the funny parts- like when Simon tells Messer, “You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and they don’t change anything.” . . . and yeah, I grabbed the Kleenex during the hospital scene with Holly, and really . . I just knew Messer was going to be at home when she got there. Oh, and if I gave anything away? Blame Stephen Hawking.
Not for nothing but the soundtrack for Life as We Know It is nothing short of sensational. And well, I guess I figured any flick that could deal up Ray LaMontagne, Roberta Flack and Amy Winehouse couldn’t be all that bad.
And why’d you have to leave so soon, Amy? I’m always gonna miss the so much more of what you never got to give to us.
Why do people still need to be told what a dumb password looks like?
Am I the only one who remembers John Stamos as Blackie Parrish?
Why NOT bring the AMC Gremlin back?
And no, I never had one. But IF black holes did exist, I would definitely have one at some point.
Why the continuing fascination with Born in the USA? Not to be unpatriotic, but it doesn’t even make my Springsteen Top 50.
Why do I absolutely despise Flo, from the Progressive Insurance commercials?
I could do this all day, but since Stephen Hawking killed infinity, it doesn’t seem like such a great idea.
What does qualify as a great idea is coming up on Wednesday, January 29th when I will be featuring the inimitable John W. Howell on this here blog. So look for that and go check out his business when you can. It’s way more interesting than anything Stephen Hawking has to offer.
And that’s no lie.