Bring me the head of Frosty the Snowman!

Day After TomorrowIsn’t it ironic that when Al Gore can finally say ‘told you so’, he’s buried under three feet of snow?

This winter would’ve been a lot easier to figure out if they had only let us in on the fact Day after Tomorrow was actually a documentary. And it’s no use trying to contact Dr. Dennis Quaid cause he changed his number. Last I heard he was vacationing on the set of Castaway. 

You know how they say “We’ll laugh about this some day?”. Well, this . . ain’t that. This is so bad that my daughter’s high school graduation was pushed back another week as a result of all the school closings. At this rate, she’s going to be part of the class of 2015. This is so bad that we no longer measure snowfall in inches or feet, but in vehicle height. I really shouldn’t bitch about the Range Rover we’re digging out of seeing as how the peeps in Massachusetts got a Mack truck dumped on them.

Jack Frost’s routine is no longer a cheery proposition. So forget about breaking the ice, don’t ask someone “Is it cold enough for you?” and you don’t want to be caught dead in a t-shirt that says “I Survived the Winter of 2014!”, because you almost assuredly will be caught, dead. Deservedly so. See, we’re past the point of playing around with terms when it comes to our weather.

Since Mother Nature is giving us (back) hand when it comes to blaming her, I’ve decided to do some investigating in the hopes of finding a real live Dr. Evil we can pin all this shit on. The results were forgettable. Share them with you? Why not . . .

Weather Channel- It’s always the quiet ones. Pretty soon we’re all going to be walking around in black and blue parkas and rambling on about barometric pressure and low visibility.

Linda Hamilton- This one’s a reach but at this point, no one can be ruled out.

Darrin Kenneth O’Brien- He was the first name that came up when I Googled ‘snow’. His stage name is snow, but here’s where it gets interesting. He’s a reggae singer . . . from Canada. I say we bring his ass in for questioning. No coffee or smokes until he gives us a name.

Bill Murray- Absofuckinglutely.

Roger Goodell- So let’s get this straight Mr. Commissioner. You host a gazillion dollar outdoor party on the East Coast  . . in February . . in the middle of one of the worst winters on record . . and somehow the game time temps feel like a fucking pool party? And five minutes after your traveling circus bounces, the stadium looks like a Currier and Ives postcard. I ain’t buying it . . .

This winter has sucked on so many levels that the idea of visiting Kim Jong Il is starting to make sense. It sure beats the hell out of standing outside the Today show and losing your extremities while you wait for Al Roker to tell you it’s going to snow. Hey Al! Why don’t you just predict whether A-Rod is going to lie about something today!

Listening to meteorologists deal the extended forecast is like accompanying Dick Cheney to the Heart Attack Grill for lunch. I think meteorologists should just take the rest of the winter off because really, what purpose are they serving? Weather forecasts are becoming like self serve checkouts. Anybody can do it!

Cayman Thorn’s Weather Forecast 

Expect a shitload of snow when you wake up tomorrow. It’s going to be colder than Bethany Frankel on a Saturday night, so if you’re venturing outside? Good fucking luck!

And if the snow, ice, freezing rain and sub-zero temperatures weren’t enough . . in nine months time we’re going to experience a population explosion the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the premier of that Duggar reality show. Popular names will include Richard and Sherman, Sochi and Nika, Rodman, Christie, George and of course, Washington.

That’s cold, I know.

33 thoughts on “Bring me the head of Frosty the Snowman!

    • Oh shit! I think he is! I probably should change that, but then again . . it’s more interesting this way. Let’s see if anyone else notices. Thanks for the heads up on the dead guy.
      And the Canadians are right, we’re amateurs when it comes to winter- well, except for the peeps in the Midwest anyways. But I have to say, I don’t mind being an amateur, as long as it involves 85 degrees and a (dare I say it?) cold one . .

      • I remember seeing a pic of Buffalo where a guy was lying on his belly in the snow to reach down to use a payphone that had been dug out a bit.
        That’s just wrong.

  1. Holy Crap! Dude I am so sorry that you’re freezing your ass off but I’m sure Al Gore is on that I told you so trip. Most definitely. But I do like your list of suspects and yeah … Bill Murray. He definitely has power to manipulate that groundhog 🙂

    • Guat- You KNOW Bill Murray has to have his mitts in this cold soup. I think the whole Cubs fan thing is his cover. We always feel sorry for Cubs fans . . . to our detriment.

  2. I had to pick myself up off the floor to reply to this — I fell off my chair from laughing so hard. In terms of comic brilliance, you’ve outdone yourself with this post, Cayman. On SO many levels. I am with you on the weather forecasters. Every time one opens his/her mouth, I yell Fuck you! at the TV. My husband says I shouldn’t be allowed near the TV until the thermometer hits 70.

    On the Kim Jong II comment, I thought it was purposeful, because by now, you’re looking at a visit to hell as a good thing!

    Also, I never realized how tall Chevy Chase is. For the record (I looked it up), he’s 6’4”, while Paul Simon is 5’3”. Love the video.

    P.S. You couldn’t work Vera Farmiga into this post somewhere? 😉

    • Mary, comedy comes out of tragedy . . but freezing your ass off works just as well. I can just see you and your husband sitting there and you screaming out “Fuck you!” at the weather forecaster, that’s classic. Maybe the Kim thing was subconscious, I’m not sure. Just so long as he doesn’t start visiting my dreams, I’m okay with that.
      And Vera didn’t get in here somewhere . . . fucking cold weather, it’s getting the best of me!

  3. Loved this. I am sitting here on the Texas coast with a 24 degree wind chill. I am burning money like it is free. I tried to get the family to pretend it was 70 degrees like the day before yesterday, but they are not buyn’. I HAVEN’T SEEN THE SUN FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS. *slap* Oh thanks I needed that. WTF who pissed of the frost god anyway. Might be the North Koreans. They love this shit after all, quilted uniforms don’t go in the summer. (notice I did not mention the Kim thing) I’m with Marypierce where is Vera?

  4. It’s even snowing in Texas. WTF? In two days it will probably be 101 degrees, but right now there’s 2 inches of snow on the ground.

    I blame Canada. That’s where all this cold stuff originated — go to the source. Is Linda Hamilton Canadian?

    • I looked into Linda’s bio and it seems she’s a Maryland girl (wink wink). I did a little snooping around and I came up with a few inconsistencies to the story, after which I received a phone call that basically told me to drop it. I had no idea Canadians . . err, I mean people from Maryland were so aggressive.

  5. Here in Birmingham we clear the shelves of bread and milk at the hint of Flurries…this snowmageddon hit while the weathermen were out to lunch saying WTF is that white stuff on my car…our interstates and highways looked like an episode from The Walking Dead. But God whispered in my ear 2 weeks prior as I traded my 2 wheel drive in for a 4wheel Jeep Wrangler and I got through the apocolypse just fine…picking up as many walkers as I could fit in my Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! I’ve never loved an automobile quite like I love this one.

    PS: We stoned our weathermen as soon as the ice melted….

    • K, that’s another thing. How comes we’re supposed to steer clear of bread, milk and eggs UNTIL there’s impending doom in the forecast? Do our cholesterol levels go on holiday when snow makes the scene? Just an observation. I’m glad you have your ride for the apocalypse, you DO have the cowboy hat to finish the ensemble, I hope.
      Stoning the weathermen . . . genius!

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