This winter would’ve been a lot easier to figure out if they had only let us in on the fact Day after Tomorrow was actually a documentary. And it’s no use trying to contact Dr. Dennis Quaid cause he changed his number. Last I heard he was vacationing on the set of Castaway.
You know how they say “We’ll laugh about this some day?”. Well, this . . ain’t that. This is so bad that my daughter’s high school graduation was pushed back another week as a result of all the school closings. At this rate, she’s going to be part of the class of 2015. This is so bad that we no longer measure snowfall in inches or feet, but in vehicle height. I really shouldn’t bitch about the Range Rover we’re digging out of seeing as how the peeps in Massachusetts got a Mack truck dumped on them.
Jack Frost’s routine is no longer a cheery proposition. So forget about breaking the ice, don’t ask someone “Is it cold enough for you?” and you don’t want to be caught dead in a t-shirt that says “I Survived the Winter of 2014!”, because you almost assuredly will be caught, dead. Deservedly so. See, we’re past the point of playing around with terms when it comes to our weather.
Since Mother Nature is giving us (back) hand when it comes to blaming her, I’ve decided to do some investigating in the hopes of finding a real live Dr. Evil we can pin all this shit on. The results were forgettable. Share them with you? Why not . . .
Weather Channel- It’s always the quiet ones. Pretty soon we’re all going to be walking around in black and blue parkas and rambling on about barometric pressure and low visibility.
Linda Hamilton- This one’s a reach but at this point, no one can be ruled out.
Darrin Kenneth O’Brien- He was the first name that came up when I Googled ‘snow’. His stage name is snow, but here’s where it gets interesting. He’s a reggae singer . . . from Canada. I say we bring his ass in for questioning. No coffee or smokes until he gives us a name.
Bill Murray- Absofuckinglutely.
Roger Goodell- So let’s get this straight Mr. Commissioner. You host a gazillion dollar outdoor party on the East Coast . . in February . . in the middle of one of the worst winters on record . . and somehow the game time temps feel like a fucking pool party? And five minutes after your traveling circus bounces, the stadium looks like a Currier and Ives postcard. I ain’t buying it . . .
This winter has sucked on so many levels that the idea of visiting Kim Jong Il is starting to make sense. It sure beats the hell out of standing outside the Today show and losing your extremities while you wait for Al Roker to tell you it’s going to snow. Hey Al! Why don’t you just predict whether A-Rod is going to lie about something today!
Listening to meteorologists deal the extended forecast is like accompanying Dick Cheney to the Heart Attack Grill for lunch. I think meteorologists should just take the rest of the winter off because really, what purpose are they serving? Weather forecasts are becoming like self serve checkouts. Anybody can do it!
Cayman Thorn’s Weather Forecast
Expect a shitload of snow when you wake up tomorrow. It’s going to be colder than Bethany Frankel on a Saturday night, so if you’re venturing outside? Good fucking luck!
And if the snow, ice, freezing rain and sub-zero temperatures weren’t enough . . in nine months time we’re going to experience a population explosion the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the premier of that Duggar reality show. Popular names will include Richard and Sherman, Sochi and Nika, Rodman, Christie, George and of course, Washington.
That’s cold, I know.