I’m gonna serve up a sexy list that puts SI and the Clinton Archives to shame. (Hey Bill . . holmes . . I’m not hating, so chill bro. I know the only reason you ran around was for the love. Of silence.)
While Maxim and AskMen are brimming with college talent, ‘me ladies are big league. So you won’t find Jennifer Lawrence on account of the fact she is twenty three. Sorry, but the last time I found twenty three interesting? I was eighteen.
The inspiration for this hot list comes from its namesake. She’s the place where sexy goes to learn more about sexy.
And a special shout out to my special someone, whose input made this list possible. The woman possesses all of the qualities I find most sexy in a woman. Her fashion sense is funky, she sports a mean pair of spectacles and while she doesn’t curse lots, her placement of swear words is brilliant. That’s hot.
Amy Adams- It took American Hustle to change my mind on her. Two hours and ten minutes. Yep . . that’s about right. Re-invention? . . . Meet low cut. Hey, you guys mingle while I grab a snack. By mingle I mean kiss.
Ellen DeGeneres– She made me laugh out loud the first time I saw her. Nothing has changed. She’s beautiful and she’s dorky, which is hot. Like girls in glasses.
Thandie Newton- The way she throws that come hither look out there should be illegal. But I’m really glad it’s not.
Demi Moore- Am I the only one who finds it impossible to believe that Ghost will celebrate its 25th anniversary next year? The only reason that fact isn’t totally depressing is because Demi is waaay hotter now than she was then. Way.
Melissa McBride- Carol from The Walking Dead is back! Just in time for an intervention with her fledgling little Piece Corps. McBride plays the hottest adoptive mama of a murderous scoundrel since, yep . . Vera Farmiga in Orphan.
Lolo Jones- She could make paper airplanes and I would watch. Boz Scaggs would have written a song about her back in the day. ‘Nuff said.
Claire Forlani- As if I needed another excuse for loving Scotch? Hey umm . . Dewars? Fuck you but . . . keep the spots coming. Coo?
Chelsea Peretti- Crazy sexy AND the kind of sense of humor that tells me you are plenty fine with killing me in my sleep? Hey, it’s just another reason to love pancakes.
Julie Bowen- Sofia gets all the press. But Julie is my ‘Hot Mom’. Soccer mom by day and purring minx by night? Oh yeah . . .
Sunny Hostin- She is just, well . . she is just easier to fall in deep sexy love with than whatever Joaquin Phoenix is falling in love with in Her. *Spoiler Alert-Joaquin is in love with an outside the box thinker of an OS, played by Scarlett Johansen . . who is twenty nine and therefore ineligible for this year’s list. **Spoiler Alert within a Spoiler Alert- Guess who makes my list next year . . and no, it ain’t Joaquin.
Cate Blanchett- You ever notice how this classic beauty’s eyes follow you? Wow.
Julia Roberts- She isn’t that box office stunner no more, she’s better. Okay, here’s how I look at sexy. Let’s take a hypothetical “Road Trip Test” . . Kate Upton vs. Julia Roberts. Upton is gonna introduce you to the latest drinks, clubs and apps. Roberts is simply going to teach you what it means to hold a woman. The former will rock your world, but the latter will change it. If your idea of sexy is bikinis, you’re doing it wrong.
Natasha Leggero- She has the Susanna Hoffs vibe going strong. And a great sense of humor. Maybe it’s not the “I’ll kill you in your sleep” sense of humor, but you can’t do that every night anyways. It’s tiring.
Jane Seymour- When the hell is she gonna start acting her age? I have no idea but I’m not complaining.
Natalie Portman- She gets more interesting, and more beautiful, every day. And she makes the cut since she’s 32.
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the reach Vera possesses, which goes far beyond acting and directing. See, Vera has a wildly talented younger sister by the name of Taissa. You may know her as Violet Harmon in American Horror Story. As if Vera wasn’t amazing enough . . . she has a farm system.
What a woman.