My Bologna Has a First Name . . . It’s Oscar!

oscarOkay, I jived for the catchy title. Got me! It was catchy, wasn’t it? Or was it just a tad more age specific than CBS? As in, the only people who understood my come-on know that New Coke has absolutely nothing to do with a Scarface reboot. They consider Pong to be one of the best video games ever. They are the folks who pine for the days of pay phones, Foghat, table-top Jukeboxes, water fountains they can take for granted, redeemable bottles that didn’t exist under the purview of an online merchandising program borne of third world product (2K Coke reference),  and last but certainly not least, Uma Thurman’s original face.

Whew! That was Holy Shit in a hand basket, huh? Those voices in my head, they’re hard to wrangle sometimes. Anyways, if you’re one of those peeps whose drivers license photograph no longer contains a smug countenance (Hint: You’re not telling the mirror to go fuck itself just yet ), then please read on. If you’re younger than all that hilarity, this post becomes an “at your own risk” proposition. Which us forty somethings like to call, waking up.

Back in the day, the Academy Awards had the feel of a ritzy after hours joint. It was a Vegas handshake, a mysterious amalgam of impossibly glamorous chain smoking celebrities whose personal lives were, well, personal. Nowadays it’s a pedantic enterprise whose results are forecast with more precision than a Presidential election.

Of course, I’d be lying bigger than Benny Hinn if I told you I won’t be watching, cause I will be (excepting for my weekly dose of The Walking Dead). I do the Oscars the way I do basically everything else, with verve and a great deal of wing and prayer. So rather than bore you with serious projections, I’ll give you my top five Bests. The fact they have absolutely nothing in common with tonight’s ceremony doesn’t mean they are not worthy of acclaim.

As for Ellen, I’m happy she’s in the drivers seat for this year’s show. She exhibits the class that McFarlane wouldn’t and the beauty that Crystal couldn’t. Not to mention, she prevents Jay Leno from latching onto another twenty two year gig.

Best Picture- Sharknado. Sharks swirling around inside a tornado in downtown LA is the most genius idea since the Spielbergs decided to make whoopee sixty seven years ago.

Best Actor- Mark Consuelos. He plays happy husband inside of misery like nobody’s business. He IS acting, right? Gotta be.

Best Actress- Vera Farmiga. Thanks to a certain loyal reader(John Howell), I feel compelled to place a Vera reference in as many posts as possible. Which makes John a bigger genius than Spielberg’s parents. So there’s that.

Best Director- Shia LaBeouf’s publicist. It’s the celebrity equivalent of combat pay, so whatever his publicist is making . . ain’t nearly enough.

Best Song- If I ever write an Oscar winning screenplay, well then . . Gladys Knight’s Midnight Train, which just so happens to be one of my favorite songs of all time, is gonna have to kick me off the stage. Unless Halle Berry is willing to smooch me outta front and center.

And no, Adrien Brody as Halle’s understudy ain’t gonna cut it.



18 thoughts on “My Bologna Has a First Name . . . It’s Oscar!

  1. I’ve been so busy and away from the WP reader all week. I was so happy to see something waiting from you–you are super talented and so much fun to read.
    I’m glad that you’ll be breaking away for the Walking Dead (24 minutes from now) and extremely curious how you’ll work Vera into your next post 🙂

    • Why thank you Mama, I’m thrilled to be thought of so highly by such a talented writer, it always makes me feel that much better. I haven’t been on here all week but I figured I had to get an Oscars post on here…even if it has little to do with the Oscars.
      I’m watching Ellen right now and she is tearing it up. Such a funny lady. But yeah, I’ll be turning things over to Sheriff Rick and the gang in twenty minutes.
      Vera in my next post? Ooookkkaaayyy, if I must.

    • John,

      I completely overlooked Vera in this morning’s post. I blame it on the time change. And I thought Ellen did a great job, I hope she’s back again and again.

    • Handsome, don’t you dare. As for Novak’s plastic surgeon, I think it was one of those “As Seen on TV” jobs. She got the first plastic surgeon for 19.95 and got the second one absolutely free! And yeah, she was robbed.

  2. The highlight of the evening for me, was listening to Pink singing “Somewhere over the rainbow” If you weren’t moved by her rendition along with clips from the now 75 year old film in the background, then you haven’t got a pulse. Simply amazing!! And she so deserved that standing ovation when it was over!!

    And as for the emcee, no one does it any better than Ellen!

  3. HA! This cracked me up! Yeah that Consuelos dude definitely deserves something for being hooked up with that chic. And dude I so thought about you because your lady was on the Today Show on account of The Bates Motel premiering tonight. I know you watched, right?

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