Brackets or balls . . either way, mine are busted

President BracketThere’s a good reason I’m not a college basketball fan. I don’t understand the sport. There are too many teams with funny names in too many conferences with funnier ones. The coaches all behave like used car salesmen and the players don’t stay with their programs long enough to catch a cold. And those mascots? Yikes.

For all the critics who bashed President Obama for spending his time on brackets instead of more important business? Lay off the man. Hey, if he wins? He can use that billion dollars for his healthcare website. Big picture, kids, big picture.


Anyways, I pay attention to college basketball once a year. At tournament time. And this year I was actually excited about the prospect of filling out my bracket thanks to Big Daddy Buffett and his billion dollar promise. Buffett promised to dole out a billion bucks for a perfect bracket. Easy peesy mac and cheesy.

The odds were stacked against me, but I knew that when I got married and that didn’t stop me. Okay, bad example.

Hours into the tournament . . .Easier said . . met done. I’m not gonna be a billionaire, thanks to Pitt and Dayton, Stephen F. Austin, Gonzaga, Baylor, UCLA and last but not least, Mercer. The reason I won’t be joining Michael Moore’s Most Wanted List is because I went with the other guys. Here were my reasons for going with the vanquished.

-I figured Colorado was a slam dunk since Susie Lindau lives there.
-Ohio State has a marijuana leaf for a logo. How timely is that?
-VCU is located in Richmond, Virginia (A hop, skip and fist bump from Richmond U.- My son’s school.)
-The Oklahoma State Cowboys have a billionaire alum in T. Boone Pickens! I mean, what ref in his right mind isn’t contemplating a European vacation when he’s calling that game?
-I went with Nebraska because I admire a school that has the balls to take a name like Cornhuskers into the 21st century.
-Tulsa’s club is known as the Golden Hurricanes. I had a couple of those in New Orleans and from what I was told, I had a lot of fun on that trip.
-I chose Duke because, well . . they’re Duke.

As you can see, I went all scientific with my choices and I got screwed. Thanks science!

ray mercer

If you’re wondering where in the hell Mercer U is located, so was I. Mercer is a Georgia school with three locations, the most physically gifted of which beat the vaunted Dukies. I had to Google that information, seeing as how I was curious as to how a retired boxer had taken out a college basketball behemoth all by his bad self. I mean, Ray Mercer was a hell of a boxer in his time, but five on one hasn’t been a fair contest since that renowned lady killer, Wilt Chamberlain, skipped town and took his voluminous black book with him.

ESPN’s Joe Lunardi is known as the Father of Bracketology. He even teaches a class on the subject at St. Joe’s University. This joins UCLA’s Tupac 101 and Richmond University’s course on The Wire as the biggest reasons why parents should take that college money and move to Cabo.

Alas, money doesn’t buy happiness. It just buys everything else. And really, what was I gonna do with a billion dollars anyway? Okay, a top five list.

1-A fully functioning, solid gold Aston Martin. That runs on gold
2-Pay off my hacked Target card
3-Buy partial season tickets to the Yankees
4-Sign Mr. Vera Farmiga up for the Mars Mission
5-Buy the Guinness Brewery, and move in immediately

I was living the dream, until tip-off happened on Thursday night. After which I had to go back to work, and apologize to my boss for the “Cheap imitation of Joan of Arc” reference. He was really pissed about that.

My Final Four picks- Louisville, Michigan State, Oregon and Florida- have been rendered mooter than John McCain’s take. On anything. But I shouldn’t complain since my abrupt removal from college basketball business allows me to focus on baseball. The only brackets those guys concern themselves with are related to taxes.

Play ball.


32 thoughts on “Brackets or balls . . either way, mine are busted

  1. You see? You did it again… Writing about winning a billion bucks and then posting a video where a girl, in this case Courtney Cox, has a billion to one shot of dancing with Bruce Springsteen and then go on to star in 4,000 episodes of Friends! Nicely tied together..

    Well done Cayman!!

  2. Wish I were a basketball fan. I used to hang with some rabid fans and never got it. I do wish all the bracketeers the best though. The ticket for Mr.Vera Farmiga to Mars could be done with a Kickstarter campaign. I know I would sign up if one of the incentives was to attend the farewell party in person. Great post.

    • John- I already started the campaign for Mr. Farmiga. As for the tourney, now that I have no chance to win, I’ll probably forget about it until the winning team shows up at the White House.

  3. I’m soooo not a basketball fan but the hubby is so it’s been all basketball all the time right now. You’d think that since we’re born and bred in KS he’d be rooting for KU or K-State. Or that maybe he would jump on the Colorado teams in honor of our new home. Nope, he’s rooting for WSU from our hometown and where I took a good majority of my college classes before transferring away. And, man has he ever been excited!

  4. Not a basketball fan either (my son wrestles during basketball season). That said, I can hear the games in the background (hubby LOVES bball) and I have got to go with Wichita State like Emily up above. Our other two Kansas teams are already gone (though, I’m never sad to see the chicken hawks lose) and I’m counting the days until football season starts where I don’t have to act like a lady for 6 months (enter the rabid Kansas State fan with an NFL lean to the Pats–I broke up with the KC Chiefs years ago.)
    Another fun post Cayman!

    • Mama- Wichita State, of course! I was just talking about them the other day because this guy told me they were undefeated. They’re in a tough battle at the moment but I’ll wish you guys luck.

    • Mama- I used to follow the Duke Blue Devils rather intensely. This was back in the ’90s when my future wife’s sister was going there. It’s a great campus and lots of fun to visit, and her sister got me an autographed ball signed by every member of their title squad. Good stuff. And yes, I still have the basketball.

  5. Sorry about the billion!
    It was so sad to see the early score of the CU game. OUCH! They play so well and then look like deer in the headlights at the big show. It’s a young team, so there’s always next year!

    We saw the home opener pro soccer game yesterday! It was freakin’ freezing, but I’ve never seen talent like that. So much fun especially since the Rapid’s won.. 🙂

  6. I dated a guy who was a huge college basketball fan, and I thought I’d follow along, you know, ‘cuz that’s what loyal girlfriends do. I had such trouble believing some of the names of those teams that we got into a fight about it and we broke up. I’m sure there were other reasons, but I like to remember that one as the deal breaker.

    • Bahstan- Breaking up over a team’s name is completely understandable. Wish I would have thought of that. It REALLY would have helped me out when I was dating a girl who graduated from UCSB. The Gauchos? Are you kidding me?!
      I used to follow college grids, but it’s impossible to understand anymore. The players are in school for like, six minutes. The coaches are huge celebs that hop locations every couple years. And the announcers are annoying as shit.
      All that said, I’m hoping Kentucky wins tonight. If only because everybody seems to hate this Calapari guy. Naturally, I gotta root for him.

  7. I haven’t missed any on my bracket … well, I was so busy packing that I never got around to even thinking about it, let alone completing one. Meanwhile, the real Opening Day is on Monday, and good weather is could be in Cincinnati … so Play Ball … but I see the Reds as pretenders, not contenders this year. … and thanks for stopping by during my time packing and unpacking.

  8. Hey guess what? I’m actually watching basketball right now as I wait for The Walking Dead finale. Seems like just a few weeks ago we were waiting for the premiere. What’s up with the short seasons?!

    Of course I use the term “watch” loosely. It’s more like I look up at the screen every several minutes and think, “is this still on? What’s up with these long games?”

    • Runner- I hope you enjoyed the Walking season finale. I did, but of course . . now I cannot wait for next season. Which is a bittersweet proposition since that means the awesome weather will have passed and I’ll be ready to bitch about the chill in the air, again. As for these college basketball games? I could run a half marathon in the time it takes to play out the last two minutes of ’em. And no, I’m never gonna be mistaken for Usain Bolt. I’m more like Dead Bolt.

      • I finally caught the finale of Dead on Saturday. Whoa. Loved it.
        I’m a happy girl now though because my most favorite show EVER returned last night — Game of Thrones. It was really nice of the networks to conveniently schedule them like that for me. I’m sure I’ll be one big depressed blog when both Dead and Thrones are on break, but by then it will be almost football time. Always saying goodbye to something, but always saying hello to something else.

        Hope you’ve been well. Missed you!

        • Runner- I was thankful to see Continuum was back again….I found out late Saturday night and I watched it on demand. Outside of that, my girl has me watching Bates Motel. I’ll have more thoughts on this one later. And I love that thought about always saying goodbye to something whilst saying hello to something else. Because that is life, babe. Toughly sweet thing of it. It is.

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