There’s a good reason I’m not a college basketball fan. I don’t understand the sport. There are too many teams with funny names in too many conferences with funnier ones. The coaches all behave like used car salesmen and the players don’t stay with their programs long enough to catch a cold. And those mascots? Yikes.
For all the critics who bashed President Obama for spending his time on brackets instead of more important business? Lay off the man. Hey, if he wins? He can use that billion dollars for his healthcare website. Big picture, kids, big picture.
Anyways, I pay attention to college basketball once a year. At tournament time. And this year I was actually excited about the prospect of filling out my bracket thanks to Big Daddy Buffett and his billion dollar promise. Buffett promised to dole out a billion bucks for a perfect bracket. Easy peesy mac and cheesy.
The odds were stacked against me, but I knew that when I got married and that didn’t stop me. Okay, bad example.
Hours into the tournament . . .Easier said . . met done. I’m not gonna be a billionaire, thanks to Pitt and Dayton, Stephen F. Austin, Gonzaga, Baylor, UCLA and last but not least, Mercer. The reason I won’t be joining Michael Moore’s Most Wanted List is because I went with the other guys. Here were my reasons for going with the vanquished.
-I figured Colorado was a slam dunk since Susie Lindau lives there.
-Ohio State has a marijuana leaf for a logo. How timely is that?
-VCU is located in Richmond, Virginia (A hop, skip and fist bump from Richmond U.- My son’s school.)
-The Oklahoma State Cowboys have a billionaire alum in T. Boone Pickens! I mean, what ref in his right mind isn’t contemplating a European vacation when he’s calling that game?
-I went with Nebraska because I admire a school that has the balls to take a name like Cornhuskers into the 21st century.
-Tulsa’s club is known as the Golden Hurricanes. I had a couple of those in New Orleans and from what I was told, I had a lot of fun on that trip.
-I chose Duke because, well . . they’re Duke.
As you can see, I went all scientific with my choices and I got screwed. Thanks science!
If you’re wondering where in the hell Mercer U is located, so was I. Mercer is a Georgia school with three locations, the most physically gifted of which beat the vaunted Dukies. I had to Google that information, seeing as how I was curious as to how a retired boxer had taken out a college basketball behemoth all by his bad self. I mean, Ray Mercer was a hell of a boxer in his time, but five on one hasn’t been a fair contest since that renowned lady killer, Wilt Chamberlain, skipped town and took his voluminous black book with him.
ESPN’s Joe Lunardi is known as the Father of Bracketology. He even teaches a class on the subject at St. Joe’s University. This joins UCLA’s Tupac 101 and Richmond University’s course on The Wire as the biggest reasons why parents should take that college money and move to Cabo.
Alas, money doesn’t buy happiness. It just buys everything else. And really, what was I gonna do with a billion dollars anyway? Okay, a top five list.
1-A fully functioning, solid gold Aston Martin. That runs on gold
2-Pay off my hacked Target card
3-Buy partial season tickets to the Yankees
4-Sign Mr. Vera Farmiga up for the Mars Mission
5-Buy the Guinness Brewery, and move in immediately
I was living the dream, until tip-off happened on Thursday night. After which I had to go back to work, and apologize to my boss for the “Cheap imitation of Joan of Arc” reference. He was really pissed about that.
My Final Four picks- Louisville, Michigan State, Oregon and Florida- have been rendered mooter than John McCain’s take. On anything. But I shouldn’t complain since my abrupt removal from college basketball business allows me to focus on baseball. The only brackets those guys concern themselves with are related to taxes.