New Year’s resolutions are like fruit. It’s beautiful company for a few days, after which it becomes an ugly reminder of your alarming deficiency as far as healthy, positive habits are concerned. So in honor of these little slices of hope, I jotted down a few resolutions for yours truly.
I hope you like. But . . if you don’t, well . . the first one is just for you.
Stop giving a shit what other people think- Hey, nothing personal.
No more late night calls to Vera Farmiga’s house- Alright, what about no more calls after eight o’clock? Eastern Standard Time? Or, no weekend calls?
Stop negotiating with myself- It’s embarrassing. And I never win.
Learn what an HDMI cable actually does- I realize, it’s 2015.
No Dunkin’ Donuts- Sure, I can’t stand the shit. Technically, it still counts as a resolution.
I’ll paint something- Finger painting is perfectly acceptable.
Use chopsticks (Correctly)- Every time I use them, I feel like the chopsticks are going “Hey dude, you have NO idea what I’m about!”
No more cursing- Who the fuck am I kidding?
Stop telling people how adorable their kids are- Believe it or not, this is actually a positive resolution. Because I’m promising not to lie.
No more cow tipping- Okay, I’ve never tipped a cow. I only include this one because I gotta ask . . . who in the fuck tips a cow? And, for fun? If I tipped a cow accidentally. it would be a bad day. I want to come back as a cow in my next life and I want someone to try and tip me. . .
Be a Walmart greeter- Without actually, yanno, working there.
Get a video store membership card- I miss video stores.
Run a marathon
Set realistic goals- Okay, a half marathon.
Don’t lie- See what I’m saying about resolutions? It took me fifteen seconds to break one. Because there’s no way in hell I’m running twenty six miles, unless OJ Simpson is chasing my ass. And he’s a zombie.
Eat whatever the hell I feel like eating- When it comes to resolutions, this one is way more satisfying than say, running a marathon.
Tell Forrest Gump fans what I really think- The next time someone quotes that flick, I’m going to issue a harsh retort. Something along the lines of “Fuck Forrest Gump, and fuck you for bringing his ass up!” Sorry mom.
Stop sending hate mail to Wolf Blitzer- Okay, I just broke another resolution. Because there’s no way in hell I’m gonna stop sending hate mail to Wolf Blitzer, unless OJ Simpson is chasing my ass. And he’s a zombie.
Write a porn that has an actual story AND a killer soundtrack- It’s the dream.
Be more understanding of stupid people- No. It felt wrong when I was writing it. Reading it, it’s even worse. And no, I won’t be more understanding of stupid people.
Welp, I hope this post made you think. And by ‘think’, I mean not think at all. Let’s make the most of 2015, seeing as how there are only 355 shopping days until Christmas.