Cayman Thorn’s Not So New Years Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are like fruit. It’s beautiful company for a few days, after which it becomes an ugly reminder of your alarming deficiency as far as healthy, positive habits are concerned. So in honor of these little slices of hope, I jotted down a few resolutions for yours truly.

I hope you like. But . . if you don’t, well . . the first one is just for you.

Stop giving a shit what other people think- Hey, nothing personal.

No more late night calls to Vera Farmiga’s house- Alright, what about no more calls after eight o’clock? Eastern Standard Time? Or, no weekend calls?

Stop negotiating with myself- It’s embarrassing. And I never win.

Learn what an HDMI cable actually does- I realize, it’s 2015.

No Dunkin’ Donuts- Sure, I can’t stand the shit. Technically, it still counts as a resolution.

I’ll paint something- Finger painting is perfectly acceptable.

Use chopsticks (Correctly)- Every time I use them, I feel like the chopsticks are going “Hey dude, you have NO idea what I’m about!”

No more cursing- Who the fuck am I kidding?

Stop telling people how adorable their kids are- Believe it or not, this is actually a positive resolution. Because I’m promising not to lie.

No more cow tipping- Okay, I’ve never tipped a cow. I only include this one because I gotta ask . . . who in the fuck tips a cow? And, for fun? If I tipped a cow accidentally. it would be a bad day. I want to come back as a cow in my next life and I want someone to try and tip me. . .

Be a Walmart greeter- Without actually, yanno, working there.

Get a video store membership card- I miss video stores.

Run a marathon

Set realistic goals- Okay, a half marathon.

Don’t lie- See what I’m saying about resolutions? It took me fifteen seconds to break one. Because there’s no way in hell I’m running twenty six miles, unless OJ Simpson is chasing my ass. And he’s a zombie.

Eat whatever the hell I feel like eating- When it comes to resolutions, this one is way more satisfying than say, running a marathon.

Tell Forrest Gump fans what I really think- The next time someone quotes that flick, I’m going to issue a harsh retort. Something along the lines of “Fuck Forrest Gump, and fuck you for bringing his ass up!” Sorry mom.

Stop sending hate mail to Wolf Blitzer- Okay, I just broke another resolution. Because there’s no way in hell I’m gonna stop sending hate mail to Wolf Blitzer, unless OJ Simpson is chasing my ass. And he’s a zombie.

Write a porn that has an actual story AND a killer soundtrack- It’s the dream.

Be more understanding of stupid people- No. It felt wrong when I was writing it. Reading it, it’s even worse. And no, I won’t be more understanding of stupid people.

Welp, I hope this post made you think. And by ‘think’, I mean not think at all. Let’s make the most of 2015, seeing as how there are only 355 shopping days until Christmas.





24 thoughts on “Cayman Thorn’s Not So New Years Resolutions

  1. Duuuuuuuuude i love waking up and being able to laugh on a Sunday morning. Starting out 2015 with a smile is a good thing. That whole marathon thing….yeah even I’m not that crazy but what about a triathlon? And as far as the whole chopsticks thing as an adult I really need to learn how to do that. What the hell is a matter with me still ordering a fork at Vietnamese restaurants? And no … You don’t know need to me more understanding of stupid people. They just need to step it up … Law of the Universe and all. Good list, and good tune at the end.

    • I edited the comment for you, so it won’t drive you crazy 😉 As for the laughs, I guess I DO have a NY resolution after all- the same one each year. Laugh. Lots.
      As far as marathons go, I would NEVER say never (Hey! That’s a post…hmm). Triathletes are amazing people, and of course I speak of you. To commit yourself to it and then to get it done, big props to you. I am taking on chopsticks sometime this week or next. I got this! I think…..
      By the way, I know I’ve told you before…but when you write about family? Damn, it’s strong and it’s true. It’s really, really beautiful writing.

      Peace and love Cali.

  2. I mostly don’t make New Year resolutions. But if I were going to, I’d just steal (I mean, borrow) from this list. They’re that good. Especially the Forest Gump one. I liked the movie fine when I saw it, mostly because I’m a Tom Hanks fan, but I fucking hate that line – “Life is like a box of chocolates . . . ” No, Forest, life isn’t like a box of chocolates, shut the hell up about the stupid chocolates.

    The only resolution I’m entertaining, is to get my writing mojo back. It ran off about five months ago. I have no idea where it went.

    Here’s wishing us all a swell 2015!

    • And the thing about Forrest Gump that’s most maddening, is that you NEVER hear the one quote in the movie that I always come back to. It’s a sensational quote, really. It’s when Jenny is throwing rocks at her old house and Forrest says “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks”. Fucking amazing line. I love picking on Forrest people, mostly cause I can.
      And YES. Get that writing mojo back. You inspire me.

      Peace and love, Wild Words.

  3. My dear, Cayman…one night out cow-tipping with me and you’d be hooked.
    Remember, I’m from Kansas and that’s all we had to do there on Saturday nights when I was growing up.
    And, once the cows were tipped it was off to gig frogs and snipe hunt.
    You think I’m kidding?

    • The way you put it, cow tipping sounds like the sexiest damn thing ever. Your husband is a lucky man, tell you what.
      Okay now, I know gigging, but I had to look up snipe hunt. And you do all three things in one night? I just might dig Kansas.

      Peace and love to you and your beautiful fam, Mama.

  4. I have no idea how to use chopsticks, either, and it is less embarrassing to eat with a fork in a Chinese restaurant when I compare it to my lack of skill with chopsticks. I also agree with the cow tipping. I’m not sure what that’s all about and I would love it if you came back as a cow. Teach those dumbass cow tippers a lesson!

    Great resolutions all around!

  5. I am gonna try my hand at it every time I go, if only because I love to laugh at myself. And yes, I will come back as a cow in my next life. It will be a short one, but at least I might get some cow tipping vengeance out of it….

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