Since when is it a crime to play with your balls?

The Dark SideCall me silly, but the last time deflated balls were a big deal? Bruce Jenner was trading in his Olympic gold medal for estrogen treatments.

Hell if I can’t muster up the rage so many people are feeling over “Deflate-Gate”. I know, this isn’t the first time the Patriots have cheated the rules. And I know, over the last decade they have achieved a level of villainy right up there with the Yankees, Darth Vader and Cheesecake Factory serving sizes. They win with more regularity than Charlie Sheen’s little black book. They win with a coach whose reputation is shadier than the most ruthless Capo di tutti capi; with a quarterback whose life makes Brad Pitt’s look ordinary. And sometimes it seems as if they’re never going to stop winning, by whatever means possible.

The Patriots had the, umm . . . balls to try and gain a competitive advantage? Welcome to sports.

I don’t have to be a Patriots fan to appreciate the resonant quality of this organization, even with the most casual of fans. The Patriots are intriguing in a way most teams- my Dolphins included- can only dream of. All that winning amid all the questions as to how they went about their business, it engenders a deep seated enmity that will only grow more interesting as time goes on. Forget box scores, the Patriots are a political op-ed.

giseleIf a story came out tomorrow that the Jags deflated footballs, or the Jets spied on other team’s practices . . it wouldn’t even move the needle. Because those teams are the bottom of the food chain. And there ain’t no sexy in that. Tom Brady is the easy target, after all. He’s got the perfect smile, a Hall of Fame resume, and he wins the Super Bowl . . like, every night.

And am I the only one who finds irony in the fact that, of all these “Gates” New England has been linked to, they were basically given a pass for Aaron Hernandez? Which is precisely why I’m okay with applying some moral relativism to the New England Patriots of Brady and Bellichick when it comes to their on field shenanigans.

I could go all Chapelle on these NFL players who whine about the integrity of the game being compromised by deflated balls, but that’s too easy. Instead, I’d like to ask them one simple question: If Tom Brady is such a horrible guy because he didn’t fess up to his PSI preferences when given the chance to tell the truth . . why don’t they consider Ray Lewis a horrible guy for not fessing up to what he knew about a murder, when given a chance to tell the truth? Sanctimonious? Meet bullshit.

It strikes me, that if the proper PSI of a game used football was such a big deal, then the league probably should have been keeping tabs on it from the get. And all these players who are busy piling on the Patriots now should probably do what the league wasn’t doing.

Grow some balls.


12 thoughts on “Since when is it a crime to play with your balls?

  1. Have to agree Pilgrim. I can’t imagine anything more silly than a bunch of grown men sitting around bitching about underinflated balls after the fact. Hey NFL, listen up! You want all balls to be equal then you issue equal balls to all teams before each game or check the damn things before play. Don’t whine about it later. It’s too late.

    • EXactly right. Alas, it doesn’t have to make sense in order to be an issue under the shield’s warped sense of priorities. As for all these jokers who get so indignant over the Patriots latest ‘scandal’, me thinks this song might be a suitable enough explanation…

  2. I watched SNL last night for the sole hope of finding a spoof on Tom Brady’s balls. They did not disappoint…and neither did you 🙂

    (At least I own a Gronk jersey…I’ll get much less hell when I wear it next weekend!!)

  3. Yeah. I mean really, how else could they never fumble? Shocking! Horrifying! Let’s get on to the winter weather. Don’t get the Gronk reference, but appreciated the AC/DC video. “Everybody comes and comes again.” Things were getting maudlin around here, worrying about climate change, starvation in Africa and all, and you’ve set me straight.

    • J.B.- Here’s the thing. I’m gonna defend the Patriots, if for no other reason than I grew up in a mafia friendly household. What these peeps are charging New England with? It’s akin to deflating car tires. And where I’m from? That’s called Kindergarten. So I’m not feeling the shock and awe of this whole episode, clearly.
      The Gronk reference? Let’s see….hmm. It’s Old School’s Will Ferrell meeting up with North Dallas Forty’s Nick Nolte. Imagine they had a baby. That.
      The AC/DC video was my best guess on how to end the post. Too bad those boys aren’t playing the halftime show this Sunday….
      On your last count, regarding the maudlin feel ‘o things. I just felt like, hells. I should post on something that speaks to the red, white and blue way of prioritizing things. And hells, if it didn’t come back pigskin.

      Thanks J.B. Love your comment.

  4. This whole deflate gate is stupid, the name is stupid too. Sometime the media thinks they are being clever but all they are doing is annoying me more. It does not even compare to Watergate in the least … Balls dude. Balls that the refs held all game long, but I don’t care really my boy Manning is out so I’m just in it for the commercials. 🙂

    • Cali- Yeah, yanno…that’s a good point. When do we stop with the ‘gates’? Too bad Watergate didn’t happen inside the age of copyright infringement. You KNOW that Nixon would’ve owned ‘gate’ for all times. He would’ve been collecting from his crib in Cali whenever someone was too lazy to come up with an original name and decided to slap ‘gate’ onto a scandal. Before long, peeps would’ve moved on….
      As for your boy, I hope Manning isn’t done. Would like to see him back- healthy- for at least one more run.

  5. Well, up here, when they’re not talking about the balls, they’re talking about the fact Tommy Boy has a really bad cold. Waah. Maybe you’re hearing about it, too. As far as Deflate gate, all I can say is the Pats better play like it’s their last game, because everyone is watching…and waiting.

    • Hey Bastahhn, with Giselle nursing Tom Brady back to health, it’s his own damn fault if he’s not ready for today’s game. And as far as all this inanity regarding balls, I gotta admit, the Locker Room Guy skit with all those Bastahhn peeps made me laugh out loud.

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