I got 99 problems, and a dress ain’t one . . .

The DressWhen asked what color I was seeing in that picture, silly me responded with 1996. Seriously, I thought Monica Lewinsky was back in town when I heard that a dress had gotten busy on gossip. I realize that I’m dating myself, but that’s coo. So long as Fleetwood Mac is riding shotgun . . .

. . . #cleancutrick is a real thing, and it’s a real thing for good reason. My man Andrew Lincoln looks good sans the Ulysses S. Grant face rug. He’s back to the Love Actually Andrew Lincoln. And it’s a much better place, for everybody. The ladies get their eye candy back, and I feel so much younger than I did before he shaved it off.

. . . Is Walking Dead inside a re-boot whilst wearing the same old boots? Just wondering.

. . .Here’s a fun fact. If you order waffles at International House of Pancakes, they have 341 varieties to choose from. But . . . if you order pancakes at Waffle House? They shoot your ass.

. . . Speaking of Love Actually, was there some kind of secret menu postscript agreement forged inside the production of that classic flick that we’re not privy to? Whereby Andrew Lincoln and Liam Neeson agreed to sell their romantic souls to blood lust and mayhem in their next IMDB lives? Cause these brothers have gone more cold blooded than Clay Morrow in their latest character incarnations.

. . . And oh yeah, when Starbucks ‘fesses up to having a ‘secret menu’? It’s not about being clever for the discriminating customer. They’re simply ‘fessing up to the fact they’re too lazy for the other 99 percent of the population that ain’t got time to Google search a secret menu in the first place.

The “No one was giving a shit until you asked them to” Top 5 Cayman TV Crushes 

5- How I Met Your Mother- My official bodyguard for the zombie apocalypse, Ashley, turned me onto this one. I should have known she’d be spot on, seeing as how she’s funnier in her sleep than I am wide awake. 

4- Continuum- Time travel, advanced weaponry, hot chica couture and gamboling with Bradbury. What’s. Not. To. Like?  

3- Bates Motel- Two words. Vera Farmiga. 

2- Gotham- It’s funky, sexy coolness. It’s as if the comics went cable. 

1- Sons of Anarchy- This one was a late clubhouse entry, but it climbed with a bullet. Many bullets. 

. . . It’s funny how professional football got all horned up on the LA market again, after completely ignoring it for the last couple decades. And it’s even funnier how the teams being mentioned in this move, all have one thing in common; cranky landlords (in three different cities) who ain’t had a sniff of a Super Bowl since George Bush was learning how to spell terror.

. . . You know a football team that ain’t moving? The New England Patriots. Four Super Bowl titles since 2001. Just? Meet saying.

. . . I am in big love with Gatorade for bringing this classic back for 50.

. . . I loves it because, in my humblest of opinions, Michael Jordan was the greatest player I’ve ever seen play. Any sport. Ever.

. . . My second choice is Barry Bonds. But hey, that’s another post for another time.

. . . I pray the Department of Homeland Security doesn’t go away. Shit, if they fold, what happens to late night TV monologues?

. . . Okay, you got me. I don’t believe in this whole ‘War on Terror’ thing in the least bit. It’s all bullshit. How do I know? Because not once in all this time has John Carpenter been brought in for questioning. That’s how.

. . .If there was a war on terror happening, the terrorists would be winning. Since, yanno . . gas prices are on the rise again. But seeing as how Humvee owners would be losing big time, I’d be torn.

. . . The only way I buy a “3 Way Parka” is if Vera Farmiga and Fiona Apple are included. I know, that one came out of nowhere, but I felt like I needed something to mellow all that terrorism harsh. And Vera just so happens to be a mighty tonic, and Fiona just so happens to be mighty hot. I’m a simple man.

. . . I’m not gonna lie. This simple man is just a tad bitter that self-service check out lanes waited so fucking long to be invented. I really could have used them back in the day, when I was buying porn mags and condoms on a semi-daily basis.

. . . Thanks technology! You’re almost as lazy as those assholes at Starbucks!

. . . If you would have asked me what the show The Chew was all about, my guess would’ve started and ended with Chewbacca. After watching a couple minutes of the show recently, I’m pretty sure I was right.


18 thoughts on “I got 99 problems, and a dress ain’t one . . .

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